this is a scary post.
yesterday when senator and i went to target, i was admiring the adorable baby clothes (for my friends babies) when we got into a discussion about how they are ridiculous and the kids are uncomfortable and they outgrow the clothes etc. my response was "well, sure, but sometimes you have to let the fun side out of you and quiet the responsible part"
it was a silly discussion, but his response was, "that's why i want to make sure i'm stable in my career so i have enough money to provide for my kids"
or something like that.
first of all, holycowyou'retalkingkidswithme. second of all, isn't this the right route?
secondly. we've been looking at houses. our dream houses. he's super into "i want a strawbale house" which are cool. but the point is, we're looking at houses. we joke around about our future (together) without actually saying "one day when we get married"
and i really really really hope it happens, moreso because i wouldn't be able to handle the alternative. i know that i would always fall back on these conversations were we to break up, and be bitter about it my whole life (until i found someone new) because, this was supposed to be our future.
i have crossed the line from rational thinking to "i have these plans set up for my future" thinking and i can't go back, and it's really really going to suck if things don't work out. not saying they aren't, but i always have to look at both sides.
look at the facts
-he cooks, cleans, and does the dishes.
-he comforts me when i have a bad day
-he gives perfect bear hugs
-he's good, really good, in the bedroom
-he's got a great sense of humor
-he's smart... he's SUPER smart
-he's on a career path that will make him enough money to do what he wants, and to support a family eventually. more importantly, he's doing something he'll be good at and enjoy, and its the same as what my dad does
-he doesn't want to live where we currently live forever.
-he's got a great relationship with his parents
-we have very similar upbringings.
it's almost a little too perfect.
whatever. i'm happy with him. i just need to work on letting go of the little things. it's cuz i'm a girl. and a girl who is a wee bit jealous he's getting to be friends with the girl he sits next to in his classes, and who he has a study... session with later today. but we also have a fantastic date night planned tonight, so i guess i can't complain.
sometimes it's better to blogvomit everywhere. :)
i'm happy.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
i'm a bit resentful that i feel that i make dinner ALL. THE. TIME. at our house, and that i pay for everything. I enjoy making dinner for the two of us, and i enjoy making him happy and full. but tonight i was like, dude, i pay for ALL THIS STUFF and you get to eat it all and i make it all.
so instead of being a bitch or making a mean comment, i just mentioned, "hey next time we go to "insert our grocery store here" could you please buy "this" ? i really like making meals for us but it would be easier financially on me if you would buy this."
and he said " i'm glad you like to cook. i appreciate you cooking and yes, i'll get some of that for you"
that's all it took. instead of an argument.
wish i would have known that earlier.
i love this man more than i could ever love anyone. ever.
did i mention that i made dinner? and because i did, i don't feel bad about him doing all the dishes?
i would TOTALLY rather make dinner than do the dishes.
this man is totally a keeper. and i love him. so much.
so instead of being a bitch or making a mean comment, i just mentioned, "hey next time we go to "insert our grocery store here" could you please buy "this" ? i really like making meals for us but it would be easier financially on me if you would buy this."
and he said " i'm glad you like to cook. i appreciate you cooking and yes, i'll get some of that for you"
that's all it took. instead of an argument.
wish i would have known that earlier.
i love this man more than i could ever love anyone. ever.
did i mention that i made dinner? and because i did, i don't feel bad about him doing all the dishes?
i would TOTALLY rather make dinner than do the dishes.
this man is totally a keeper. and i love him. so much.
Monday, December 8, 2008
senator suprised me with flowers the other day on our anniversary, and a cute little snowman stuffed animal. it was precious. and he even put purple flowers in the bunch, which are my fav. instead of going out and spending money we don't have, etc, we just made dinner at home and watched a movie. death at a funeral. not quite a date/romantic movie, but it was there from netflicks, and it was funny.
this weekend he slacked on studying and we hung out all saturday. and last night we went to a city tree lighting ceremony and took the obligitory in-front-of-the-tree picture. it's my first one and i love it.
the other day he slipped and said, "when we have kids" and "i'm going to start saving for our house" and little things like that. i called him on it and he shut up, but i'm starting to think that he really truly is in this for the long run :)
now if only he didnt have a million dollars in student loans to pay back. ;)
this weekend he slacked on studying and we hung out all saturday. and last night we went to a city tree lighting ceremony and took the obligitory in-front-of-the-tree picture. it's my first one and i love it.
the other day he slipped and said, "when we have kids" and "i'm going to start saving for our house" and little things like that. i called him on it and he shut up, but i'm starting to think that he really truly is in this for the long run :)
now if only he didnt have a million dollars in student loans to pay back. ;)
Thursday, December 4, 2008
here's a novel idea: drinking sucks.
usually drinking every night, i stopped Friday. Until last night. and sheeeeet. i felt like crap ALL.MORNING. at work. where i had a LOT to do. figures.
just another reminder of why i need to cut back, or at least only do it on the weekends.
six months ago, i had a cold, senator came home early, and we watched short circut and he kissed me.
six months ago, i never would have guessed that six months later i'd love him like i do.
usually drinking every night, i stopped Friday. Until last night. and sheeeeet. i felt like crap ALL.MORNING. at work. where i had a LOT to do. figures.
just another reminder of why i need to cut back, or at least only do it on the weekends.
six months ago, i had a cold, senator came home early, and we watched short circut and he kissed me.
six months ago, i never would have guessed that six months later i'd love him like i do.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
i love love love senator. i like waking up in the mornings with him to his scruffy face and how his arm sleepily finds my waist.
he's such a goober. :)
our guests have been MIA... they show up after midnight, and leave during the day so I haven't seen much of them at all, 15 minutes at the most. it's obvious that we've grown apart. i don't even know what's going on with thier lives. but i think that's okay, for now.
i got a random text from them at midnight asking how long it took to get to vegas from my house. i figured that's where they went but when i woke up this morning, they were strewn across my house and liquor bottles were left everywhere, as well as the lights all on. i'm glad i don't live that lifestyle anymore (the random hours, etc). but whatev, they're on vacation.
in other news, we are getting a roommate. well, housemate to be exact. he's a friend of mine, and later his, but unfortunately he's my best friends ex. he's a nice guy, quiet, keeps to himself and clean, but senator and i have gotten so used to it just being the two of us, it might be hard to switch out of that. but we've had nearly 5 months of bliss, having the house to ourselves that it had to end sometime. plus it will save us nearly 500 bucks a month each. so that's a huge plus.
mmm. yeah. not much else to report. senator and i are celebrating six months of "officialness" tomorrow, but no clue on what we're doing. we went to dinner and a jazz concert last night, and we're going to a holiday party on friday. my friends are leaving tomorrow, i think. but i'm not quite sure.
on a side/personal note, i've noticed how much closer/better my relationship with senator is when i don't drink. i think that's an incredibly important realization.
he's such a goober. :)
our guests have been MIA... they show up after midnight, and leave during the day so I haven't seen much of them at all, 15 minutes at the most. it's obvious that we've grown apart. i don't even know what's going on with thier lives. but i think that's okay, for now.
i got a random text from them at midnight asking how long it took to get to vegas from my house. i figured that's where they went but when i woke up this morning, they were strewn across my house and liquor bottles were left everywhere, as well as the lights all on. i'm glad i don't live that lifestyle anymore (the random hours, etc). but whatev, they're on vacation.
in other news, we are getting a roommate. well, housemate to be exact. he's a friend of mine, and later his, but unfortunately he's my best friends ex. he's a nice guy, quiet, keeps to himself and clean, but senator and i have gotten so used to it just being the two of us, it might be hard to switch out of that. but we've had nearly 5 months of bliss, having the house to ourselves that it had to end sometime. plus it will save us nearly 500 bucks a month each. so that's a huge plus.
mmm. yeah. not much else to report. senator and i are celebrating six months of "officialness" tomorrow, but no clue on what we're doing. we went to dinner and a jazz concert last night, and we're going to a holiday party on friday. my friends are leaving tomorrow, i think. but i'm not quite sure.
on a side/personal note, i've noticed how much closer/better my relationship with senator is when i don't drink. i think that's an incredibly important realization.
Monday, December 1, 2008
well that whole no drinking thing is turning out to be easy, when you research how it eff's up your body when you're taking medicine.
in other news, i love senator with all my heart. he's a dofus and a jerk sometimes, but above all he loves me and cares about me, and helps me out more than i deserve. i freak out, he makes a joke, he's... a good match for me.
we're celebrating our six month anniversary on thursday.
and between then, we have four guests coming to stay with us and holy shit, i hate them. they' re my friends from high school and the rudest people i know. I CLEANED my house, scrubbed my house etc to get ready for them to be here, and they didn't even bother to tell me when their schedule changed. They didn't tell us that they decided to come a day early, and that they're staying a day longer. and that they wouldn't be here very much at all, since they want to go to disneyland the whole time. Um, hi, i work part time and have family members who work there and they didn't even bother to ask if i wanted to come along. they're just using me for my house. and they didn't invite me to go to the beach or anything, they could care less about me and spending time with me, they want to go hang out and come in and out at odd hours of the night.
punkassbitches.
i'm angry right now. it doesn't help that i got a nasty email from my oldest cousin accusing me of lying about my relationship with senator to our grandma, thinking that we are keeping that from her so we don't get reprimanded for living together in her house. Bah, i hate this.
i haven't written an angry rant in quite awhile and now that it's out of my system, i feel a little better.
in other news, i love senator with all my heart. he's a dofus and a jerk sometimes, but above all he loves me and cares about me, and helps me out more than i deserve. i freak out, he makes a joke, he's... a good match for me.
we're celebrating our six month anniversary on thursday.
and between then, we have four guests coming to stay with us and holy shit, i hate them. they' re my friends from high school and the rudest people i know. I CLEANED my house, scrubbed my house etc to get ready for them to be here, and they didn't even bother to tell me when their schedule changed. They didn't tell us that they decided to come a day early, and that they're staying a day longer. and that they wouldn't be here very much at all, since they want to go to disneyland the whole time. Um, hi, i work part time and have family members who work there and they didn't even bother to ask if i wanted to come along. they're just using me for my house. and they didn't invite me to go to the beach or anything, they could care less about me and spending time with me, they want to go hang out and come in and out at odd hours of the night.
punkassbitches.
i'm angry right now. it doesn't help that i got a nasty email from my oldest cousin accusing me of lying about my relationship with senator to our grandma, thinking that we are keeping that from her so we don't get reprimanded for living together in her house. Bah, i hate this.
i haven't written an angry rant in quite awhile and now that it's out of my system, i feel a little better.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Monday, October 27, 2008
i dont want to jinx it by writing about it, but despite losing my job, and having two people i knew die last week, this weekend was pretty fabulous.
knock on wood.
i am softly falling in love with senator. it's like, floating into a soft bed of flower petals with pink petals falling all over me.
i can't believe i wrote that.
he humors my adventures. he made me breakfast, i made him dinner. he survives my mood swings, and lets me complain. he's a soft shoulder to lie on and the arm that finds my body at night.
we went to the pumpkin patch this weekend, and even though it was hot and dusty he stood and took pictures and laughed at my desire for it to be absolutely perfect, when we both realized it was a tourist trap. he studied next to me on the couch for awhile before i left to go to a party saturday night, and people at the party seemed to finally accept that we are a couple and we care about each other. and the host made it clear that he's happy we're together, and while i don't need approval from anyone, it was nice to be validated. when i got home, i couldn't wait to be with him, and even though it was 3am when i crawled into bed, he still turned over and put his arm around me and fell back asleep. yesterday we were cuddly all day and i made him a halloween costume, from scratch. i sewed. SEWED. i dont sew. but it was fun. and his costume will be awesome on friday.
i hate mondays because it is the beginning of the week, and weekdays he's not always the most pleasant person to be around (because of school). i know to expect this, but i hope this week goes as well as last week did.
and for the first time since we've been together, i purposely x'ed out of the internet browser with dating advice and such. by not putting any ideas in my head, i totally avoid the mental war going on in my head, that doesn't need to be addressed. why didn't i think of that sooner?
on a side note, my halloween costume is awesome. AWESOME.
knock on wood.
i am softly falling in love with senator. it's like, floating into a soft bed of flower petals with pink petals falling all over me.
i can't believe i wrote that.
he humors my adventures. he made me breakfast, i made him dinner. he survives my mood swings, and lets me complain. he's a soft shoulder to lie on and the arm that finds my body at night.
we went to the pumpkin patch this weekend, and even though it was hot and dusty he stood and took pictures and laughed at my desire for it to be absolutely perfect, when we both realized it was a tourist trap. he studied next to me on the couch for awhile before i left to go to a party saturday night, and people at the party seemed to finally accept that we are a couple and we care about each other. and the host made it clear that he's happy we're together, and while i don't need approval from anyone, it was nice to be validated. when i got home, i couldn't wait to be with him, and even though it was 3am when i crawled into bed, he still turned over and put his arm around me and fell back asleep. yesterday we were cuddly all day and i made him a halloween costume, from scratch. i sewed. SEWED. i dont sew. but it was fun. and his costume will be awesome on friday.
i hate mondays because it is the beginning of the week, and weekdays he's not always the most pleasant person to be around (because of school). i know to expect this, but i hope this week goes as well as last week did.
and for the first time since we've been together, i purposely x'ed out of the internet browser with dating advice and such. by not putting any ideas in my head, i totally avoid the mental war going on in my head, that doesn't need to be addressed. why didn't i think of that sooner?
on a side note, my halloween costume is awesome. AWESOME.
Friday, October 24, 2008
screwed
so i dont know about everyone else, but i am SCREWED beyond belief in terms of finances.
i lost my job this week, and have way too many bills to cover without that paycheck.
it's like, i work hard, and i work a lot, and all of a sudden, thanks to our crappy economy, i am drowning. there's no way i can pay for christmas presents, or to travel, or to keep up with my bills.
how did our country get so in debt? i was FINE a week ago, but then my boss told me his company is not doing well and everyone is worried.
with my current bills, and about to change paycheck, i will be in the red over $1500 a month until i can find a new job.
oh, and did i mention, NOBODY IS HIRING? nobody. unless they want to pay me, like 8-10 bucks an hour. which just wont cut it for someone who has a house, student loans, and medical bills.
i lost my job this week, and have way too many bills to cover without that paycheck.
it's like, i work hard, and i work a lot, and all of a sudden, thanks to our crappy economy, i am drowning. there's no way i can pay for christmas presents, or to travel, or to keep up with my bills.
how did our country get so in debt? i was FINE a week ago, but then my boss told me his company is not doing well and everyone is worried.
with my current bills, and about to change paycheck, i will be in the red over $1500 a month until i can find a new job.
oh, and did i mention, NOBODY IS HIRING? nobody. unless they want to pay me, like 8-10 bucks an hour. which just wont cut it for someone who has a house, student loans, and medical bills.
Friday, October 17, 2008
friday surv
1:: What are your middle names?
lets play pretend. mine is sophia and his is michael
2:: How long have you been together?
we've known each other 5 years, been dating for... officially (i suppose) 4 months
3:: Do you have any children together?
haha no
4:: What about pets?
no. maybe a dog or a cat in the future
5:: Did you go to the same school?
yepp
6:: Are you from the same hometown?
nope. different states.
8:: Who is the smartest?
i'm people smart, he's book smart
9:: Who is the most sensitive?
ME. for sure.
10:: Where is the first place you went to eat as a couple?
chipotle. but that was like, "um, is this a date?" but our first "date" was at an indian restaurant. mmm.
11:: Do you wear matching clothes?
no. but we did to a wedding once. it was funny.
12:: Where is the furthest you have traveled as a couple?
halfway across the world.
13:: Who has the best group of friends?
Me for sure
14:: Who has the craziest ex[es]?
Me
15:: Who has the worst temper?
tie. we both get bad tempers sometimes.
16:: Who does the cooking?
we both do, though he claims he does. lies.
17:: Who's more social?
Me for sure
18:: Who is the neat freak?
i go in phases of needing to be a neat freak, but consistently it's him.
19:: Who is the most affectionate?
Me
20:: Who is the most stubborn?
him
21:: Who hogs the bed?
I do
22:: Who wakes up earlier?
ugh. him.
23:: Where was your first date?
an indian restaurant and it was supposed to be mini golf, but they closed early so we went for a drive, watched the sun set over the ocean from a hill, watched fireworks, and went in the hot tub.
24:: Who said "I Love You" first?
he did and it was totally unexpected.
25:: How did you spend your 1st year anniversary?
if we're still together at a year he better do something nice for me.
26:: Who has the bigger family?
me
27:: Do you give/get flowers often?
no, but he did give me flowers a few weeks ago for the first time
28:: How do you spend the holidays?
his parents live several states away, and mine live several hundred. i think we might stay at home for thanksgiving and invite people over for thanksgiving x 2 on friday, but we'll both go to our parents houses for a few weeks at christmas.
29:: Do you think you will ever get married?
yes. most of the time.
lets play pretend. mine is sophia and his is michael
2:: How long have you been together?
we've known each other 5 years, been dating for... officially (i suppose) 4 months
3:: Do you have any children together?
haha no
4:: What about pets?
no. maybe a dog or a cat in the future
5:: Did you go to the same school?
yepp
6:: Are you from the same hometown?
nope. different states.
8:: Who is the smartest?
i'm people smart, he's book smart
9:: Who is the most sensitive?
ME. for sure.
10:: Where is the first place you went to eat as a couple?
chipotle. but that was like, "um, is this a date?" but our first "date" was at an indian restaurant. mmm.
11:: Do you wear matching clothes?
no. but we did to a wedding once. it was funny.
12:: Where is the furthest you have traveled as a couple?
halfway across the world.
13:: Who has the best group of friends?
Me for sure
14:: Who has the craziest ex[es]?
Me
15:: Who has the worst temper?
tie. we both get bad tempers sometimes.
16:: Who does the cooking?
we both do, though he claims he does. lies.
17:: Who's more social?
Me for sure
18:: Who is the neat freak?
i go in phases of needing to be a neat freak, but consistently it's him.
19:: Who is the most affectionate?
Me
20:: Who is the most stubborn?
him
21:: Who hogs the bed?
I do
22:: Who wakes up earlier?
ugh. him.
23:: Where was your first date?
an indian restaurant and it was supposed to be mini golf, but they closed early so we went for a drive, watched the sun set over the ocean from a hill, watched fireworks, and went in the hot tub.
24:: Who said "I Love You" first?
he did and it was totally unexpected.
25:: How did you spend your 1st year anniversary?
if we're still together at a year he better do something nice for me.
26:: Who has the bigger family?
me
27:: Do you give/get flowers often?
no, but he did give me flowers a few weeks ago for the first time
28:: How do you spend the holidays?
his parents live several states away, and mine live several hundred. i think we might stay at home for thanksgiving and invite people over for thanksgiving x 2 on friday, but we'll both go to our parents houses for a few weeks at christmas.
29:: Do you think you will ever get married?
yes. most of the time.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
slow down everyone you're moving too fast
note to self:
you are retarded.
quit getting worked up over nothing, and talk to him before your head goes out of control.
i was wrong. dead wrong. he loves me. he loves me a lot. and he is thankful for every thing that i do, and for all the support i give him. he loves me for me, and i am so dumb for not realizing it. he doesn't know how to communicate this stuff, but it came out and my heart is happy. i wish i could have recorded it.
on another note, people who update thier statuses and relationship statues every hour in the middle of a break up are retarded.
you are retarded.
quit getting worked up over nothing, and talk to him before your head goes out of control.
i was wrong. dead wrong. he loves me. he loves me a lot. and he is thankful for every thing that i do, and for all the support i give him. he loves me for me, and i am so dumb for not realizing it. he doesn't know how to communicate this stuff, but it came out and my heart is happy. i wish i could have recorded it.
on another note, people who update thier statuses and relationship statues every hour in the middle of a break up are retarded.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
i know i sound like a broken record, and i really only write in this when im in a bad mood. but it's also why i started it.
the bottom line is that i'm bitter that i dont get to take weekend trips with my boyfriend, that i don't get to go out on regular dates. i always initiate them and then i feel like he's just doing it to appease me. we aren't "dating" if all we do is live with each other and say good morning and good night and i listen to his boring law speil. i am so, so supportive, yet i don't feel like I'm getting much out of this relationship other than good hugs and an occasional meal. he makes a good housemate, i suppose, but i'm getting frustrated at giving giving giving and not getting much in return.
and yeah, i know i should stop bitching about it and DO something about it, but im not going to break up with him and nagging him doesn't seem to be doing any good.
it's like i have a love tank, and mid week it gets really empty.
the bottom line is that i'm bitter that i dont get to take weekend trips with my boyfriend, that i don't get to go out on regular dates. i always initiate them and then i feel like he's just doing it to appease me. we aren't "dating" if all we do is live with each other and say good morning and good night and i listen to his boring law speil. i am so, so supportive, yet i don't feel like I'm getting much out of this relationship other than good hugs and an occasional meal. he makes a good housemate, i suppose, but i'm getting frustrated at giving giving giving and not getting much in return.
and yeah, i know i should stop bitching about it and DO something about it, but im not going to break up with him and nagging him doesn't seem to be doing any good.
it's like i have a love tank, and mid week it gets really empty.
Monday, October 13, 2008
bloggy blog i feel like it's been awhile, but I suppose it hasn't.
i need to get it through my head that monday-wednesdays are going to be awful 90% of the time. especially tuesdays, and this week will not be an exception, especially since he has his first midterm on wednesday. he'll probably be a basket case and i should be more understanding.
we're really good at hurting each others feelings. i'm working on this.
in other news, i got my halloween costume... i'm going to be bella cullen! i got contacts that black out my eyes (i'm going to be a thirsty bella). woo!
i need to get it through my head that monday-wednesdays are going to be awful 90% of the time. especially tuesdays, and this week will not be an exception, especially since he has his first midterm on wednesday. he'll probably be a basket case and i should be more understanding.
we're really good at hurting each others feelings. i'm working on this.
in other news, i got my halloween costume... i'm going to be bella cullen! i got contacts that black out my eyes (i'm going to be a thirsty bella). woo!
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
I spent most of today reading through Women's Heath magazine articles and spent all day convincing myself of the fact that I love him. that he's good enough for me. that he is a good person. that i should be grateful that he can cook. and clean. and is very smart. and one day will make money. and that he comes from a good family. and he has good morals, and good values and i respect him.
but maybe that's not enough. maybe i need more. maybe the fact that he makes me cry on a daily basis is reason enough to hate his guts.
i spent all day thinking about him, and thinking how great he is and how lucky i am. i spent all night next door babysitting thinking about him and how i just wanted to be NEAR him. between the houses, there was only 20 feet between us.
and when i got home, the first thing i did was walk in and come into the room he was studying in and say hello, and stroke his hair, stroke his chest, run my fingers through his hair as he talked about his day and the status of the school he goes to.
instead of a hug and and a kiss and a hello, i get a, "you can do that when i'm asleep" when i play with his ear.
with that, i turn away and say, "my day was great, thanks for asking" and he tries to hold on.
i don't want to accept the fact that he is wrong for me. i don't want to accept the fact that i deserve better. i talked to my best girl friend tonight and she was having issues with her sister and basically said, "i wont stay where i give and give and give and all i get is criticized and my feelings hurt. it's not worth it"
she stole the words right out of my mouth.
and yet, i still can't walk away.
instead i sit here and cry angry angry tears and have no one to turn to.
but maybe that's not enough. maybe i need more. maybe the fact that he makes me cry on a daily basis is reason enough to hate his guts.
i spent all day thinking about him, and thinking how great he is and how lucky i am. i spent all night next door babysitting thinking about him and how i just wanted to be NEAR him. between the houses, there was only 20 feet between us.
and when i got home, the first thing i did was walk in and come into the room he was studying in and say hello, and stroke his hair, stroke his chest, run my fingers through his hair as he talked about his day and the status of the school he goes to.
instead of a hug and and a kiss and a hello, i get a, "you can do that when i'm asleep" when i play with his ear.
with that, i turn away and say, "my day was great, thanks for asking" and he tries to hold on.
i don't want to accept the fact that he is wrong for me. i don't want to accept the fact that i deserve better. i talked to my best girl friend tonight and she was having issues with her sister and basically said, "i wont stay where i give and give and give and all i get is criticized and my feelings hurt. it's not worth it"
she stole the words right out of my mouth.
and yet, i still can't walk away.
instead i sit here and cry angry angry tears and have no one to turn to.
this election needs to be over already
so tired of politics. really.
i kind of feel like my life is falling apart a little bit. i had a major breakdown this weekend when my friends made it clear that senator is not the one for me, long term. and it was strange hearing that, because i've just had this path set out that we would get married and have a family and blah blah blah. and now, there's this other path, where i can stay with him until, well, something happens and we aren't together anymore, and well, that's just what's going to happen. it's inevitable, maybe. or maybe i'm just being pessimistic and awful, and it will work out in the end. when i say i had a breakdown, i did... and i was also pretty drunk when it happened and i very vaguely remember telling him this wasn't working the way it should... there was lots of crying and i honestly dont remember what i said. but whatever it was, it must have worked because the next morning i felt like crap and i thought maybe we had broken up, and when he got up we talked about it for a few minutes, him asking me if i was still upset and i just kind of stayed silent. he told me he loved me, and the rest of the day was pretty much amazing. he made me this awesome lunch (i made him breakfast) and we spent most of the day together, and that night we went to the fair and he paid for me to play carnival games. it was cute.
i dont know, it seems like there's too much going against me at this point, and im too tired to fight it so i'll just go along with the flow for now and see what happens. we keep having the same discussion about kids. which is SO. DUMB. it's not in our future and its nothing we need to discuss right now... but just thinking ahead, IF and that's a big IF we got married someday, he wants to move back to his home state, thousands of miles away from anyone i know. if we had kids, i'd want my family/friends around but he's convinced that you don't need them (his parents didnt have help) but i have so many friends having babies right now, i couldn't imagine not having family/friends around to help. whatever, i need to let it go because it's stupid.
oh yeah, happy 4 month anniversary to us... ir eally need to take a step back and stop being retarded about everything. 4 months is nothing (although, it IS the longest ive been in a relationship for, so...) and i'm being dumb. end of rant.
but on top of that, i just haven't seen much of my friends lately, i've been really busy, and i've still been drinking too much. i really want to get back into shape, but i get in this endless cycle of staying up too late, drinking too much, and then being too busy/tired during the day to find time to hang out or get some exercise. it seems like it should be the opposite, i joined the church choir, im working a lot doing things that i mostly enjoy, and i still see my friends when i can. i dunno, i think it's the fact that i saw some really awful photos of myself recently and got down on myself. not horribly, but in a reality-check kind of way. it's like, i feel myself and my support system slowly peeling away and i don't know where or who i am sometimes.
i suppose it's just a phase, changing of the seasons.
on a different note, on the twilight front, i officially finished the book this weekend. while i can't say i was pleased with the ending, i suppose it was better than some huge climax that left you feeling weird throughout the rest of the day. i went on her website and read all the explanations and supplemental material and it was interesting.
my life has significantly less drama nowadays, other than junk with senator. it's kind of nice, but i feel kind of cut off. how is it October already???
i can really tell im right handed today... i painted my nails last night and my left hand is immaculate, but my right is horrendous.
the end.
i kind of feel like my life is falling apart a little bit. i had a major breakdown this weekend when my friends made it clear that senator is not the one for me, long term. and it was strange hearing that, because i've just had this path set out that we would get married and have a family and blah blah blah. and now, there's this other path, where i can stay with him until, well, something happens and we aren't together anymore, and well, that's just what's going to happen. it's inevitable, maybe. or maybe i'm just being pessimistic and awful, and it will work out in the end. when i say i had a breakdown, i did... and i was also pretty drunk when it happened and i very vaguely remember telling him this wasn't working the way it should... there was lots of crying and i honestly dont remember what i said. but whatever it was, it must have worked because the next morning i felt like crap and i thought maybe we had broken up, and when he got up we talked about it for a few minutes, him asking me if i was still upset and i just kind of stayed silent. he told me he loved me, and the rest of the day was pretty much amazing. he made me this awesome lunch (i made him breakfast) and we spent most of the day together, and that night we went to the fair and he paid for me to play carnival games. it was cute.
i dont know, it seems like there's too much going against me at this point, and im too tired to fight it so i'll just go along with the flow for now and see what happens. we keep having the same discussion about kids. which is SO. DUMB. it's not in our future and its nothing we need to discuss right now... but just thinking ahead, IF and that's a big IF we got married someday, he wants to move back to his home state, thousands of miles away from anyone i know. if we had kids, i'd want my family/friends around but he's convinced that you don't need them (his parents didnt have help) but i have so many friends having babies right now, i couldn't imagine not having family/friends around to help. whatever, i need to let it go because it's stupid.
oh yeah, happy 4 month anniversary to us... ir eally need to take a step back and stop being retarded about everything. 4 months is nothing (although, it IS the longest ive been in a relationship for, so...) and i'm being dumb. end of rant.
but on top of that, i just haven't seen much of my friends lately, i've been really busy, and i've still been drinking too much. i really want to get back into shape, but i get in this endless cycle of staying up too late, drinking too much, and then being too busy/tired during the day to find time to hang out or get some exercise. it seems like it should be the opposite, i joined the church choir, im working a lot doing things that i mostly enjoy, and i still see my friends when i can. i dunno, i think it's the fact that i saw some really awful photos of myself recently and got down on myself. not horribly, but in a reality-check kind of way. it's like, i feel myself and my support system slowly peeling away and i don't know where or who i am sometimes.
i suppose it's just a phase, changing of the seasons.
on a different note, on the twilight front, i officially finished the book this weekend. while i can't say i was pleased with the ending, i suppose it was better than some huge climax that left you feeling weird throughout the rest of the day. i went on her website and read all the explanations and supplemental material and it was interesting.
my life has significantly less drama nowadays, other than junk with senator. it's kind of nice, but i feel kind of cut off. how is it October already???
i can really tell im right handed today... i painted my nails last night and my left hand is immaculate, but my right is horrendous.
the end.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
I LOVE JACOB!
TWILIGHT WHY MUST YOU SUCK ME INTO YOUR DARK DARK WORLD?
especially while i'm at work and am supposed to be working on a project. but i just cant put you down.
yes, i got the last two books. I'm nearly done with eclipse and breaking dawn could be finished by tomorrow... and then i will be very very sad that im finished.
PS... i feel like bella might go for jacob. *gasp.
especially while i'm at work and am supposed to be working on a project. but i just cant put you down.
yes, i got the last two books. I'm nearly done with eclipse and breaking dawn could be finished by tomorrow... and then i will be very very sad that im finished.
PS... i feel like bella might go for jacob. *gasp.
Monday, September 29, 2008
sorry blog, i've been MIA. actually, i was out of the state in a state that is WAY behind in technology. who uses dial up anymore? certainly not us southern california people who have targets and starbucks on every corner. the city i went to did not have a SINGLE starbucks.
which was kind of awesome, because i hate starbucks.
anyway.
mini update on senator: i was being a brat most of last week because i was tired of him being selfish and not realizing it, so i was impassively letting him know by pointing things out. like making dinner... would it kill him to make a little extra of whatever he's making? i do it a lot. on saturday morning i made him an awesome breakfast but ended up not feeling well so i didn't eat it. but i spent a good 45 minutes doing it. i also brought him some desert home from a party i went to, 2 for each of us and he ate all of them without so much as a thank you. anyway. after breakfast he knew i had thrown up but didn't bother to see if i was okay until he finished getting ready. then later i was saying i was hungry while we were cuddling on the couch. a little while later he got up and got himself some leftover pizza and salad and had lunch while i was in the other room. i wandered into the kitchen and was laughing to myself, both out of astonishment and bewilderment. he wanted to know what was up so i told him, "you're kind of clueless sometimes" and he didn't get it. AT ALL.
let me break it down: i made him breakfast. an awesome breakfast. he didn't say thank you until i prompted him to. i didnt get to eat my breakfast because i felt sick and by the time i felt better it went bad. a few hours later i say "i'm hungry." he gets food for himself and doesn't bother to ask if when he's microwaving his peice if i want him to stick another one in there for me. he eats in front of me and then wonders why i've got this look on my face.
stupid.
then later that night, i made a comment that i wanted to smoke. the last few times i did he didn't and said he was in school, so he couldnt so i just assumed he didn't want to. sunday morning it turned into this huge fiasco of me "deceiving him" and not including him. i had no idea he wanted to, he always seems like he doesnt want to or that he looks down on me doing it. whoops. so my feelings were hurt and so were his and it was lame.
i just wish he was better at noticing little things and basic manners, saying please and thank you and just KNOWING WHAT TO DO in a relationship. sometimes i'm like, you're five years old. why can't you do these things? you're in law school. where is the socially smart you? i've been in several relationships and i know what i want. he's never been in one and it shows. in our making up stage, he said, "you've been kind of hard to please lately" and i accepted that, it's true. but i hope he sees it as, "hmm, i'm doing something wrong" instead of "she's just being a bitch"
but then on the other hand, he totally made up for it later in the bedroom, haha. :) although, he slugged me in his sleep during a dream when i tried to wake him up and im going to have a fatty bruise there. i slept on the couch after that. ouch.
which was kind of awesome, because i hate starbucks.
anyway.
mini update on senator: i was being a brat most of last week because i was tired of him being selfish and not realizing it, so i was impassively letting him know by pointing things out. like making dinner... would it kill him to make a little extra of whatever he's making? i do it a lot. on saturday morning i made him an awesome breakfast but ended up not feeling well so i didn't eat it. but i spent a good 45 minutes doing it. i also brought him some desert home from a party i went to, 2 for each of us and he ate all of them without so much as a thank you. anyway. after breakfast he knew i had thrown up but didn't bother to see if i was okay until he finished getting ready. then later i was saying i was hungry while we were cuddling on the couch. a little while later he got up and got himself some leftover pizza and salad and had lunch while i was in the other room. i wandered into the kitchen and was laughing to myself, both out of astonishment and bewilderment. he wanted to know what was up so i told him, "you're kind of clueless sometimes" and he didn't get it. AT ALL.
let me break it down: i made him breakfast. an awesome breakfast. he didn't say thank you until i prompted him to. i didnt get to eat my breakfast because i felt sick and by the time i felt better it went bad. a few hours later i say "i'm hungry." he gets food for himself and doesn't bother to ask if when he's microwaving his peice if i want him to stick another one in there for me. he eats in front of me and then wonders why i've got this look on my face.
stupid.
then later that night, i made a comment that i wanted to smoke. the last few times i did he didn't and said he was in school, so he couldnt so i just assumed he didn't want to. sunday morning it turned into this huge fiasco of me "deceiving him" and not including him. i had no idea he wanted to, he always seems like he doesnt want to or that he looks down on me doing it. whoops. so my feelings were hurt and so were his and it was lame.
i just wish he was better at noticing little things and basic manners, saying please and thank you and just KNOWING WHAT TO DO in a relationship. sometimes i'm like, you're five years old. why can't you do these things? you're in law school. where is the socially smart you? i've been in several relationships and i know what i want. he's never been in one and it shows. in our making up stage, he said, "you've been kind of hard to please lately" and i accepted that, it's true. but i hope he sees it as, "hmm, i'm doing something wrong" instead of "she's just being a bitch"
but then on the other hand, he totally made up for it later in the bedroom, haha. :) although, he slugged me in his sleep during a dream when i tried to wake him up and im going to have a fatty bruise there. i slept on the couch after that. ouch.
Friday, September 19, 2008
out of the darkness
last night i went to an alumni event for my college and i left feeling like a pile of crap: ugly, worthless and underapreciated. so much schmoozing and fakers, and people trying to top each other or gossiping about so and so. afterwards I wanted to go home SO BADLY but senator had made plans with another couple and i was obligated to go.
we ended up having a good time, they're a recently married couple who have known each other for 10 years (since the 9th grade). their new apartment is AMAZING and i felt out of place and jealous, and the wife was this pretty delicate little thing. beautiful and the perfect hostess. thier place was impecable and it made me feel even worse.
when we got home i got into my "ugly clothes" aka my baggy pants and baggy sweatshirt and went into the living room. senator asked what was wrong and i instantly burst into tears but i couldn't tell him what was going on. i was embarrased and didn't know how to and after holding me for awhile, he said, "look. i've got two shoulders. you can pick which one to cry on. i dont know what's wrong but i'm willing to listen" and he did. and i felt so much better afterwards. he complimented me, he told me i was beautiful, he told me i looked pretty, that my hair looked nice and more importantly, he told me "people like you, you make people feel good about themselves, and they trust you."
for someone who has a hard time opening up and being... a person, he sure can light up my heart.
we ended up having a good time, they're a recently married couple who have known each other for 10 years (since the 9th grade). their new apartment is AMAZING and i felt out of place and jealous, and the wife was this pretty delicate little thing. beautiful and the perfect hostess. thier place was impecable and it made me feel even worse.
when we got home i got into my "ugly clothes" aka my baggy pants and baggy sweatshirt and went into the living room. senator asked what was wrong and i instantly burst into tears but i couldn't tell him what was going on. i was embarrased and didn't know how to and after holding me for awhile, he said, "look. i've got two shoulders. you can pick which one to cry on. i dont know what's wrong but i'm willing to listen" and he did. and i felt so much better afterwards. he complimented me, he told me i was beautiful, he told me i looked pretty, that my hair looked nice and more importantly, he told me "people like you, you make people feel good about themselves, and they trust you."
for someone who has a hard time opening up and being... a person, he sure can light up my heart.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
it felt so wrong it felt so right doesn't mean i'm in love tonight
It kind of sucks when I spend the first night in months sober and I wake up proud, only not able to share it with anyone because i'm a closet alcoholic and nobody knows that I get hammered every night because I hide it so well.
And it's kind of a pathetic thing to be proud about.
I want to take a "dry month" to keep my drinking in check, but that's impossible. All my friends drink. Not nearly to the extent that I do, but enough that there are parties coming up that are uninevitabely drunk-fests that I wouldn't mind partaking in. But this weekend will be sober, as I am going on a vacation! With people who have kids and don't drink. And that's a good thing. My body needs a break.
As far as things with Senator, they're pretty good. I'm really starting to get that he really never HAS been in a relationship and it's new, and he's trying. He's just very dense sometimes. But he also suprises me. Because I dont expect much out of him in the romance/thinking of me area because he can be a blockhead, this morning when he was making coffee, I asked if there was enough for me too because i was really groggy. he said not really, and in my head i got annoyed because it's my coffee and my coffee sweetner he's using. He's just got the maker. But i didn't say anything and let it go and twenty seconds later I see him walking towards me with two mugs. He was just messing with me, he'd made me coffee. :)
luckily, there hasn't really been much else going on. i need to think of nicknames for my friends who are around, because they're finally back in town and there will be stories, OH THERE WILL BE STORIES. my friends are awesome. and make awesome stories.
anyway, i think the only two people who read this blog are my doppelganger and vanessa, therefore, HI i hope you have a good week/weekend. Vanessa, hope things are not too stressful in school, and doppelganger... get rid of ketchup. he's staining your life. you're too nice to him.
that's all for now :)
And it's kind of a pathetic thing to be proud about.
I want to take a "dry month" to keep my drinking in check, but that's impossible. All my friends drink. Not nearly to the extent that I do, but enough that there are parties coming up that are uninevitabely drunk-fests that I wouldn't mind partaking in. But this weekend will be sober, as I am going on a vacation! With people who have kids and don't drink. And that's a good thing. My body needs a break.
As far as things with Senator, they're pretty good. I'm really starting to get that he really never HAS been in a relationship and it's new, and he's trying. He's just very dense sometimes. But he also suprises me. Because I dont expect much out of him in the romance/thinking of me area because he can be a blockhead, this morning when he was making coffee, I asked if there was enough for me too because i was really groggy. he said not really, and in my head i got annoyed because it's my coffee and my coffee sweetner he's using. He's just got the maker. But i didn't say anything and let it go and twenty seconds later I see him walking towards me with two mugs. He was just messing with me, he'd made me coffee. :)
luckily, there hasn't really been much else going on. i need to think of nicknames for my friends who are around, because they're finally back in town and there will be stories, OH THERE WILL BE STORIES. my friends are awesome. and make awesome stories.
anyway, i think the only two people who read this blog are my doppelganger and vanessa, therefore, HI i hope you have a good week/weekend. Vanessa, hope things are not too stressful in school, and doppelganger... get rid of ketchup. he's staining your life. you're too nice to him.
that's all for now :)
Thursday, September 11, 2008
another day
i think senator realized he was being a dumbass.
the other night i was super quiet and it's kind of well known that when i am quiet, something is wrong. So he pried and pried and eventually i told him i felt that we had moved from friends to roommates to live in boyfriend/girlfriend and we missed out on the dating and courtship stuff and that sometimes i felt more like his roommate than his girlfriend. i didnt sleep well and yesterday, as you saw, i flipped out.
i called my mom and cried about it and she told me some advice i'd heard before, that you have to train them. at the same time, i need to train myself to think of me instead of him, and to take care of myself first since this may or may not be temporary. after being angry and upset, i still had to go to my other job, which is working with kids, and my anger was totally gone by the end. when i got home, i expected a fight, an argument, something not good. so i just kind of came in, sat down, and started working on a project. senator came over and sat next to me and we chatted a little, him more than me, and he realized i was doing the same quiet thing again so i told him the basics of why i was being quiet... which was basically the same thing as the other night.
then i got an unexpected $300 medical bill and lost it... i am so broke right now that was the icing on the cake. he just came over and gave me a hug and held me until i stopped freaking out and let it go. he tried to make me laugh and he was a sweetheart. after awhile, he asked if i wanted to go on a walk. so we held hands and walked around our neighborhood talking about nothing in particular, mostly about what he's learning about in school. it's kind of boring, but i'm good at hiding it and i appreciate that he's sharing it with me.
when we got back i purposely didnt cuddle with him, and we sat on the couch and talked some more. again, i purposely didnt initiate anything and he grabbed my hand and held it the whole time. later he got me a popsicle and then he said he was off to study. the last two nights or so, instead of being a jerk when he's studying, he was a bit nicer because he realizes that im trying to give him time and quietness and space while he does what he needs to do, so that's better.
we fell asleep in each others arms last night and it felt better. i think if he makes some changes and i learn to put up a better wall and not be a doormat, things will get better. i think he really does genuinely like me, he just doesn't know how to express it and doesn't really know how to be a boyfriend. but from today on, the training begins and so far it's working, better for the both of us really.
it's not as dramatic as it sounds, i don't think. it's just... this is the real first "serious" boyfriend i've had who i might have a potential future with.
but on a stupid whim when i was upset the other day, i posted a rant on craigslist about all of this, asking if i was doing something wrong, and i got, no joke, over 40 emails from men giving advice. and 99.9% of it was GOOD advice. And helpful. And I realized that there are lots of fish in the sea and if this doesn't work out, then i have other chances. but if this is supposed to work out, then im willing to work with it.
sigh. so up and down. but hopefully getting better. we'll see.
the other night i was super quiet and it's kind of well known that when i am quiet, something is wrong. So he pried and pried and eventually i told him i felt that we had moved from friends to roommates to live in boyfriend/girlfriend and we missed out on the dating and courtship stuff and that sometimes i felt more like his roommate than his girlfriend. i didnt sleep well and yesterday, as you saw, i flipped out.
i called my mom and cried about it and she told me some advice i'd heard before, that you have to train them. at the same time, i need to train myself to think of me instead of him, and to take care of myself first since this may or may not be temporary. after being angry and upset, i still had to go to my other job, which is working with kids, and my anger was totally gone by the end. when i got home, i expected a fight, an argument, something not good. so i just kind of came in, sat down, and started working on a project. senator came over and sat next to me and we chatted a little, him more than me, and he realized i was doing the same quiet thing again so i told him the basics of why i was being quiet... which was basically the same thing as the other night.
then i got an unexpected $300 medical bill and lost it... i am so broke right now that was the icing on the cake. he just came over and gave me a hug and held me until i stopped freaking out and let it go. he tried to make me laugh and he was a sweetheart. after awhile, he asked if i wanted to go on a walk. so we held hands and walked around our neighborhood talking about nothing in particular, mostly about what he's learning about in school. it's kind of boring, but i'm good at hiding it and i appreciate that he's sharing it with me.
when we got back i purposely didnt cuddle with him, and we sat on the couch and talked some more. again, i purposely didnt initiate anything and he grabbed my hand and held it the whole time. later he got me a popsicle and then he said he was off to study. the last two nights or so, instead of being a jerk when he's studying, he was a bit nicer because he realizes that im trying to give him time and quietness and space while he does what he needs to do, so that's better.
we fell asleep in each others arms last night and it felt better. i think if he makes some changes and i learn to put up a better wall and not be a doormat, things will get better. i think he really does genuinely like me, he just doesn't know how to express it and doesn't really know how to be a boyfriend. but from today on, the training begins and so far it's working, better for the both of us really.
it's not as dramatic as it sounds, i don't think. it's just... this is the real first "serious" boyfriend i've had who i might have a potential future with.
but on a stupid whim when i was upset the other day, i posted a rant on craigslist about all of this, asking if i was doing something wrong, and i got, no joke, over 40 emails from men giving advice. and 99.9% of it was GOOD advice. And helpful. And I realized that there are lots of fish in the sea and if this doesn't work out, then i have other chances. but if this is supposed to work out, then im willing to work with it.
sigh. so up and down. but hopefully getting better. we'll see.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
changes.
Even though Senator and I had a talk last night about him needing to treat me better, and it was good and I think it will help, I think I know in my heart, he won't be "the one" which is really too bad because I had my heart set on it.
I am 23. i am too young to be this serious. I dont want to get married until I'm closer to 27 or 28. I don't want to put up with this for that long. I want to have fun and be loved and be HAPPY.
I need to make some changes. I've let myself settle my whole life. I need to make some new goals. I need to really make the commitment to losing weight. And I need to stop catering to him so much. He's getting used to me doing certain things for him and we aren't married. We are boyfriend/girlfriend. I am going to start going to bed when I want to go to bed, and I'm going to get up when I want to get up. He can learn to cater around some of my needs.
From this day on I am going to be better at not drinking, be more active and start going back to the gym, be nicer to my friends and be more available for them, and i am going to make myself healthy. I've fallen into this trap where I'm stuck in my own body and drowning if that makes sense... in my body, in my mind, it's really time to make some changes. I can't go on living like this, and if i make this commitment and keep it, i could be changing my life drastically. if he's going to treat me like a roommate rather than a friend, then i'm going to do the same and do my own thing.
but mostly, i want to get into shape. i want to be healthy and i want to be attractive. i want to be a catch, a prize. i want to be wanted. i already have the personality and everything else that goes with being a great person, but it would be a million times better if i had the body to go with it. i'm tired of the old me, the one who lets people walk all over me and i am determined to become the person i am meant to be.
I am 23. i am too young to be this serious. I dont want to get married until I'm closer to 27 or 28. I don't want to put up with this for that long. I want to have fun and be loved and be HAPPY.
I need to make some changes. I've let myself settle my whole life. I need to make some new goals. I need to really make the commitment to losing weight. And I need to stop catering to him so much. He's getting used to me doing certain things for him and we aren't married. We are boyfriend/girlfriend. I am going to start going to bed when I want to go to bed, and I'm going to get up when I want to get up. He can learn to cater around some of my needs.
From this day on I am going to be better at not drinking, be more active and start going back to the gym, be nicer to my friends and be more available for them, and i am going to make myself healthy. I've fallen into this trap where I'm stuck in my own body and drowning if that makes sense... in my body, in my mind, it's really time to make some changes. I can't go on living like this, and if i make this commitment and keep it, i could be changing my life drastically. if he's going to treat me like a roommate rather than a friend, then i'm going to do the same and do my own thing.
but mostly, i want to get into shape. i want to be healthy and i want to be attractive. i want to be a catch, a prize. i want to be wanted. i already have the personality and everything else that goes with being a great person, but it would be a million times better if i had the body to go with it. i'm tired of the old me, the one who lets people walk all over me and i am determined to become the person i am meant to be.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
sigh
i feel superstitious writing this, but i gotta let it out somehow. i am starting to have doubts about our relationship. i mean, nothing bad has happened, there have been lots of changes and we've settled back into a routine, but i think the core is that we were friends first, so we go back to being friends sometimes and forget there;s more. at least, sometimes that's how i think he feels.
it's not helpful that i'm reading a lot lately, mostly about relationships. Mostly fictional, but whatever. the key in both was to find someone who treats you like a prize.
i hate to say it, but i dont feel like he treats me like a prize. i think he treats me like a friend. like i'm someone he cares about a lot, loves even, but not the apple of his eye.
and it's disappointing because i've really tried throwing myself into this. i make him breakfast. i schedule my schedule around his. i make him dinner. i take him out to dinner. i clean up after him sometimes (he cleans up after me sometimes too). i bring him wine. i watch his dumb movies. i go to bed when he goes to bed. i get up when he gets up. i initiate cuddling and hugging most of the time.
at the same time, i appreciate his little things he does. he makes me coffee. he fixes things. he cuddles at night. he tries to get me to do what i need to do. he takes breaks and comes and sits on the couch with me. but sometimes when he does these nice things, he acts like its a chore, that hes humoring me.
i dont need flowers all the time. i dont need a cooked meal all the time. i dont need to be taken out to dinner all the time.
but once in awhile would be nice. once in awhile on a regular basis, i guess, i just want to feel special, like i'm more than just a friend, more than just the girlfriend that fell into his lap. i want to be able to not try so hard. i want to wake up one morning and see that he's made me breakfast, or get home after a long day and see dinner sitting on the counter. i want to come home one day and see flowers on the table. i want him to lie on the couch and pat the seat next to him. i want him to say thank you more often. i want him to realize that no, im not in law school, but i do have a life that has stuff going on in it too. i always ask him about his day, and only sometimes, what feels like obligation, does he ask about mine. sure, my job is a boring desk job, but i do have friends, family and another job on the side that gives me plenty of things to talk about. i get the feeling that he thinks my day is insignificant because im not in school and i dont have a high stress job.
it's part of my personality, to a fault, to give give give, and while i dont expect anything back, i hope. but then i pile it all up into a "look at all the stuff i gave you, now where's mine?" i don't mean to, and i sure don't try to do it on purpose, and it sounds selfish, but its not. its my way of showing that i care. i understand that hes not like that. but i feel like i'm wearing the pants, making plans, trying to plan dates, initiating things.
hes in school, which takes up 90% of his time and i understand that. and i feel like i'm doing my best to accommodate him, but at the same time i dont feel like he's been very appreciative of that. i purposely try to get home late during the weekdays so its quiet in the house, i dont invite people over, or if i do i try to go to a different part of the house and be quiet or go elsewhere, i keep the tv down, i read so its quiet, i give him his space, etc. i just wish he'd notice that, and say something so i know im not wasting my time.
it's like that grey's anatomy episode where meredith is dating finn and derek and she finally blows up at them, "i want romance. i want flowers and candy and random visits at work. i want this to be fun. THIS is not fun."
i guess i feel like i'm being cheated. that we just kind of fell into each other due to circumstances and feelings and it was all too easy, and we lived together so we skipped the whole dating and courting thing and went straight to marriage. not marriage per say, but buying things for our house, sleeping together every night, hanging out at home. we dont really go out and do things, and when we do, i feel like i pay for it most of the time.
two of our friends just started dating and it's taken the pressure/focus off of he and i, which is nice, but at the same time it feels old already. i've never been in a relationship longer than 3-4 months, all during the summer, and summers over and we're approaching 3-4 months. i guess i'm preparing myself for a letdown but at the same time, i dont think he'd break up with me. he's got too much riding on me... because of me his rent is cheap, he's got a great place to live, good roommates (eventually), support, dinner made for him regularly, etc etc. and i dont want to break up with him, but i need a little more. im a little jealous of our two friends who started dating because their facebook statuses are always like, "____ has an eternal smile on his face" and "____ is wishing she was with a certain someone"
I've never gotten that from Senator. in fact, he didnt even acknowledge we were in a relationship until a long time into it. the scary word here is settling. i feel like i might be settling. he's the perfect guy in so many ways. he's smart, very handsome, has goals and have a successful career. but at the same time i have to jump to the future and realize that from here on out, it will be like this: me secondary to his school/work/career. which is understandable to a point. but if we got married and had kids, he'd be at the office until LATE every night. I'd never see him. he'd be stressed, i'd be the one to calm him down. i'm realizing that its coming down to me taking care of him, catering to him, doing everything for him, and feeling like im not getting a whole lot in return.
i dont know where this is going, i just needed to emotional vomit everywhere and, well, this is where i do it. i need to feel loved, feel wanted, feel like someone needs me. not overwhelmingly so, but just at the same level that i feel for the other person. and i dont know how to convey this to him without him getting offended, hurt and annoyed. we're on two totally different levels emotionally, and i dont know what to do. its not a huge major thing that will blow up, but more like fizzle out/fade away and it's already hurting and nothing has happened. i wish i was better at being a bitch and requiring attention rather than giving it all away. the simple answer is to make him realize what he has and why he wants me around, and that usually involves distance and to stop coddling him. but i like being close, and i like coddling him. i just need it in return and im not getting enough of it. maybe i'm too clingy, but i kind of think not and i dont feel like i'm being unreasonable about this.
i need advice.
it's not helpful that i'm reading a lot lately, mostly about relationships. Mostly fictional, but whatever. the key in both was to find someone who treats you like a prize.
i hate to say it, but i dont feel like he treats me like a prize. i think he treats me like a friend. like i'm someone he cares about a lot, loves even, but not the apple of his eye.
and it's disappointing because i've really tried throwing myself into this. i make him breakfast. i schedule my schedule around his. i make him dinner. i take him out to dinner. i clean up after him sometimes (he cleans up after me sometimes too). i bring him wine. i watch his dumb movies. i go to bed when he goes to bed. i get up when he gets up. i initiate cuddling and hugging most of the time.
at the same time, i appreciate his little things he does. he makes me coffee. he fixes things. he cuddles at night. he tries to get me to do what i need to do. he takes breaks and comes and sits on the couch with me. but sometimes when he does these nice things, he acts like its a chore, that hes humoring me.
i dont need flowers all the time. i dont need a cooked meal all the time. i dont need to be taken out to dinner all the time.
but once in awhile would be nice. once in awhile on a regular basis, i guess, i just want to feel special, like i'm more than just a friend, more than just the girlfriend that fell into his lap. i want to be able to not try so hard. i want to wake up one morning and see that he's made me breakfast, or get home after a long day and see dinner sitting on the counter. i want to come home one day and see flowers on the table. i want him to lie on the couch and pat the seat next to him. i want him to say thank you more often. i want him to realize that no, im not in law school, but i do have a life that has stuff going on in it too. i always ask him about his day, and only sometimes, what feels like obligation, does he ask about mine. sure, my job is a boring desk job, but i do have friends, family and another job on the side that gives me plenty of things to talk about. i get the feeling that he thinks my day is insignificant because im not in school and i dont have a high stress job.
it's part of my personality, to a fault, to give give give, and while i dont expect anything back, i hope. but then i pile it all up into a "look at all the stuff i gave you, now where's mine?" i don't mean to, and i sure don't try to do it on purpose, and it sounds selfish, but its not. its my way of showing that i care. i understand that hes not like that. but i feel like i'm wearing the pants, making plans, trying to plan dates, initiating things.
hes in school, which takes up 90% of his time and i understand that. and i feel like i'm doing my best to accommodate him, but at the same time i dont feel like he's been very appreciative of that. i purposely try to get home late during the weekdays so its quiet in the house, i dont invite people over, or if i do i try to go to a different part of the house and be quiet or go elsewhere, i keep the tv down, i read so its quiet, i give him his space, etc. i just wish he'd notice that, and say something so i know im not wasting my time.
it's like that grey's anatomy episode where meredith is dating finn and derek and she finally blows up at them, "i want romance. i want flowers and candy and random visits at work. i want this to be fun. THIS is not fun."
i guess i feel like i'm being cheated. that we just kind of fell into each other due to circumstances and feelings and it was all too easy, and we lived together so we skipped the whole dating and courting thing and went straight to marriage. not marriage per say, but buying things for our house, sleeping together every night, hanging out at home. we dont really go out and do things, and when we do, i feel like i pay for it most of the time.
two of our friends just started dating and it's taken the pressure/focus off of he and i, which is nice, but at the same time it feels old already. i've never been in a relationship longer than 3-4 months, all during the summer, and summers over and we're approaching 3-4 months. i guess i'm preparing myself for a letdown but at the same time, i dont think he'd break up with me. he's got too much riding on me... because of me his rent is cheap, he's got a great place to live, good roommates (eventually), support, dinner made for him regularly, etc etc. and i dont want to break up with him, but i need a little more. im a little jealous of our two friends who started dating because their facebook statuses are always like, "____ has an eternal smile on his face" and "____ is wishing she was with a certain someone"
I've never gotten that from Senator. in fact, he didnt even acknowledge we were in a relationship until a long time into it. the scary word here is settling. i feel like i might be settling. he's the perfect guy in so many ways. he's smart, very handsome, has goals and have a successful career. but at the same time i have to jump to the future and realize that from here on out, it will be like this: me secondary to his school/work/career. which is understandable to a point. but if we got married and had kids, he'd be at the office until LATE every night. I'd never see him. he'd be stressed, i'd be the one to calm him down. i'm realizing that its coming down to me taking care of him, catering to him, doing everything for him, and feeling like im not getting a whole lot in return.
i dont know where this is going, i just needed to emotional vomit everywhere and, well, this is where i do it. i need to feel loved, feel wanted, feel like someone needs me. not overwhelmingly so, but just at the same level that i feel for the other person. and i dont know how to convey this to him without him getting offended, hurt and annoyed. we're on two totally different levels emotionally, and i dont know what to do. its not a huge major thing that will blow up, but more like fizzle out/fade away and it's already hurting and nothing has happened. i wish i was better at being a bitch and requiring attention rather than giving it all away. the simple answer is to make him realize what he has and why he wants me around, and that usually involves distance and to stop coddling him. but i like being close, and i like coddling him. i just need it in return and im not getting enough of it. maybe i'm too clingy, but i kind of think not and i dont feel like i'm being unreasonable about this.
i need advice.
Friday, September 5, 2008
on love
way back when, i had a boyfriend. he was the first boyfriend i ever had, and he was my best friend before he was my boyfriend. we didn't date all that long, and too many hard circumstances got in the way, but we remained friends for awhile afterwards until we lost touch.
once he sent me an email as a reply to a forward that i had sent to him, something like, "45 things girls want guys to know" or something silly. At first I thought it was another forward, but realized he had written 45 things he wanted ME to know. i was very touched and i found it today while looking for another email. in some ways, he has some similair personality/character traits as Senator and while I have no feelings for this previous boyfriend, I had Senator in my head while I re-read this (revising what it said and thinking of it coming from Senator) and smiled. first boyfriend was a good boyfriend, but Senator is perfect in my life right now. i like to think that he feels the same way as the things below.
side note: the way it formatted some of the words ran together and i'm too lazy to fix it.
You know that you hold the deepest part of my heart,but there are a couple other things that I want you toknow.
1.Even though I am a sceptic, you have my trust. Thisis one of the most important things I can give.
2. Although there are times when I say nothing, itdoesn't mean I have nothing to say
3. I wish you all the success in the world, in everyaspect of the phrase.
4. Quiet almost never means angry
5. I don't keep secrets
6. I wish you would hold the same philosophy
7. You are never a burden, or even a load to carry tome.
8. It hurts me more not to talk about things than tojust be frank, or even blunt at times.
9. If something is special enough to me, words candetract from it, so even though I don't say anything I still hold it very close to me.
10. Talking about you actually IS more fun thantalking about me.
11. It is really frustrating to ask girls what's thematter and find out that they are on their period forthe 20th day in a row
12.By the same token, it does nothing good to aconversation to have to pry to see whats wrong
13. No one likes being manipulated, so I'd never do itto you.
14. Don't keep stuff from me just because I can'tdirectly solve a problem, there are other ways ofworking with problems.
15. You're NOT always comlaining (Period)
16. Distance means nothing, I am always there in someform or another
17. Don't assume anything
18. I can always see when there are more intentions to words or actions.
19. I have never lied to you
20. Nor do I plan to
21. Your hugs mean a lot to me too
22. I think about you constantly
23. If you always dwell on the past, you will neverhave a future
24. If you always feel like the future is hanging overyour head you will never have a present day life
25. Live life in today, and you'll see that visitingmemories and future plans is ok as long as you don'tmiss anything that is happening now
26. Make plans, I know you'll achieve them
27. Then live those plans step by step, one day at atime, then you'll be able to appreciate things as theyhappen
28. Your time is precious to me, even when there is nodeadline
29. I actually do want to hear about what you have tosay
30. Never deny yourself of your own feelings, you havea RIGHT to them
31. I love the way that you forgive people so readily
32. It worries me that you think forgiving is simplyburring it in the back or your mind. Eventually, ifyou burry enough there won't be room in the back ofyour mind, and many little problems become one or twohuge ones.
33. Although I give it to you casually, the words "ILove You" mean the world to me.
34. Never beat yourself up, the world does enough ofit for you
35. People come and go, the memories last forever.
36. I love you in more ways than you know
37. I appreciate everything you do
38. Whether or not I take things for what they are, I at least see them as they lie
39. Life is an unfair game, you may as well break therules
40. Intimacy comes in higher forms than making love
41. Poolside was one of them
42. I'm sorry for anything I have ever done thatdidn't make you happy
43. When I try to be perfect, it isn't for me; it'sfor you.
44. I want you to know that I hold you in the highestrespect; you have the most trust; you have my deepest love; our souls are connected on a level higher than my comprehension, and for that matter by no compulsay means on either of our parts; and our memories are the most important thing I posess
45. I want you to know that I Love you and I'll never forget.
edit: for extra points, guess how old he was when he wrote that
once he sent me an email as a reply to a forward that i had sent to him, something like, "45 things girls want guys to know" or something silly. At first I thought it was another forward, but realized he had written 45 things he wanted ME to know. i was very touched and i found it today while looking for another email. in some ways, he has some similair personality/character traits as Senator and while I have no feelings for this previous boyfriend, I had Senator in my head while I re-read this (revising what it said and thinking of it coming from Senator) and smiled. first boyfriend was a good boyfriend, but Senator is perfect in my life right now. i like to think that he feels the same way as the things below.
side note: the way it formatted some of the words ran together and i'm too lazy to fix it.
You know that you hold the deepest part of my heart,but there are a couple other things that I want you toknow.
1.Even though I am a sceptic, you have my trust. Thisis one of the most important things I can give.
2. Although there are times when I say nothing, itdoesn't mean I have nothing to say
3. I wish you all the success in the world, in everyaspect of the phrase.
4. Quiet almost never means angry
5. I don't keep secrets
6. I wish you would hold the same philosophy
7. You are never a burden, or even a load to carry tome.
8. It hurts me more not to talk about things than tojust be frank, or even blunt at times.
9. If something is special enough to me, words candetract from it, so even though I don't say anything I still hold it very close to me.
10. Talking about you actually IS more fun thantalking about me.
11. It is really frustrating to ask girls what's thematter and find out that they are on their period forthe 20th day in a row
12.By the same token, it does nothing good to aconversation to have to pry to see whats wrong
13. No one likes being manipulated, so I'd never do itto you.
14. Don't keep stuff from me just because I can'tdirectly solve a problem, there are other ways ofworking with problems.
15. You're NOT always comlaining (Period)
16. Distance means nothing, I am always there in someform or another
17. Don't assume anything
18. I can always see when there are more intentions to words or actions.
19. I have never lied to you
20. Nor do I plan to
21. Your hugs mean a lot to me too
22. I think about you constantly
23. If you always dwell on the past, you will neverhave a future
24. If you always feel like the future is hanging overyour head you will never have a present day life
25. Live life in today, and you'll see that visitingmemories and future plans is ok as long as you don'tmiss anything that is happening now
26. Make plans, I know you'll achieve them
27. Then live those plans step by step, one day at atime, then you'll be able to appreciate things as theyhappen
28. Your time is precious to me, even when there is nodeadline
29. I actually do want to hear about what you have tosay
30. Never deny yourself of your own feelings, you havea RIGHT to them
31. I love the way that you forgive people so readily
32. It worries me that you think forgiving is simplyburring it in the back or your mind. Eventually, ifyou burry enough there won't be room in the back ofyour mind, and many little problems become one or twohuge ones.
33. Although I give it to you casually, the words "ILove You" mean the world to me.
34. Never beat yourself up, the world does enough ofit for you
35. People come and go, the memories last forever.
36. I love you in more ways than you know
37. I appreciate everything you do
38. Whether or not I take things for what they are, I at least see them as they lie
39. Life is an unfair game, you may as well break therules
40. Intimacy comes in higher forms than making love
41. Poolside was one of them
42. I'm sorry for anything I have ever done thatdidn't make you happy
43. When I try to be perfect, it isn't for me; it'sfor you.
44. I want you to know that I hold you in the highestrespect; you have the most trust; you have my deepest love; our souls are connected on a level higher than my comprehension, and for that matter by no compulsay means on either of our parts; and our memories are the most important thing I posess
45. I want you to know that I Love you and I'll never forget.
edit: for extra points, guess how old he was when he wrote that
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
too personal for myspace
How did it all begin?
we were friends for 5 years, lived together for one of them, and then all of a sudden it was like, 'hey, we have feelings for each other'
Where did you meet?
college, orientation
When did you meet?
August 2003
Was it love at first sight?
nope. we were friends for a long time before we started dating.
how old were you both?
He's one year and 8 days older than me
When did you have your first kiss?
June 5, 2008
Where was your first date?
an indian restaurant, then we drove around and watched the sunset, the fireworks went off, and we went in the hot tub.
How long until you met the parents?
i met them briefly at our college graduation, but we were just friends at that point
When was it official?
i dunno. he changed his facebook status a few weeks ago, but i guess since he kissed me. there's always that awkward phase.
The good...
Whats your happiest memory of him?
whenever he's in a good mood
Whats the sweetest thing he has ever done for you?
he takes care of me when i need to be taken care of, makes me dinner sometimes with wine, comforts me when i need comfort, and washed my car.
Does he buy you lots of gifts?
no. but he helps fix things, sometimes without me asking.
Whats your favorite thing to do together?
cuddle and talk
When did you know you were falling in love?
it's a process
Who said I love you first?
He did. when we took a trip away from everything... a few weeks ago, i suppose it was.
Is it true love?
i think it will grow into it, hopefully.
How do you know this?
i don't
The bad...
Whats his worst habit?
his moodiness, and sometimes he can be selfish. but he's learning.
What annoys you about him?
the unexpected moodiness, sometimes he's great and wonderful, sometimes i want to kick him.
Has he ever hurt you badly?
no. he hurts my feelings sometimes, but i'm sensitive and he ususally doesn't realize that he does it
Would he ever cheat?
i highly doubt it
Has he ever cheated?
no
Do you trust him?
im learning. but i trust him more than most, nowadays.
The ugly....
Best facial feature?
i like his face. his mouth is nice and his eyes are deep.
Favorite part of his body?
his back/chest/legs/arms/hands/shoulders :)
Hair colour?
brown
What does he smell of?
himself
Whats he wearing when you picture him in your head?
right now, what he was wearing this morning. but mostly either a blue shirt and jean shorts and his rainbows and sometimes his glasses, sometimes his contacts. i like his glasses.
Intimacy...
How do you feel when he holds you?
warm and happy
How do you feel when you fall asleep and wake up in his arms?
wonderful. sometimes he unconciously wraps his arms around me at night and it makes me happy
How does it feel when he touches you?
comforting
Does his touch give you goose bumps?
haha. inside joke, but yes, all the time.
Does he kiss your neck?
haha yes. more like eats it. he's like edward cullen. a vampire. haha, not really. growl.
Your tummy?
I'd never let him
Your forehead?
Yep
Deep and meaningfull...
Could you be without him?
at this point, i'd rather not. and the relationship would probably fall apart if we weren't together in proximity. but if we broke up it would be really hard and take awhile to get over. but i would, eventually. though i wouldn't want to.
Do you think about him constantly when your apart?
he crosses my mind a lot, but we're both busy.
How long have you been together?
since june, i suppose.
Can you see a future together?
yes
Would you like to get married?
yes. and all my friends are getting married so its hard not to have that on my mind.
Have children?
someday
Where can you see your relationship in a years time?
hopefully still together. law school is hard on relationships.
5 years time?
by then we'd be done with school, so hopefully married.
Do you know there is definatly no-one better out there for you?
no
How do you know this?
because i'm young
Are you scared he might find someone better?
That is always a possibility, but I hope not.
Is he your best friend as well as your lover?
yes
Does he come first over everyone else in your life?
no. my family comes first.
Would you die for him?
that's a scary question
On a lighter note...
Say something that only you two understand
refrigerator!
Do you have nick names for each other?
not really
Does he make you laugh?
haha. YES
Do you wrestle?
not really
Is he tickelish?
yes
Are you?
Yep
His Favorites...
Food?
he likes mexican and south american food a lot. anything from trader joes
Drink?
water, tea, white russians, coffee
Sport?
he's not really that into sports
Past time?
following up on politics, hanging out with his fraternity brothers, going to cultural events, being outdoors
Animal?
golden retriever.
Aftershave?
smells nice
Clothing style?
business casual for work and school (sometimes), otherwise rainbows (flip flops), t-shirt (usually something witty) and shorts
Band?
he likes jazz. and the Presidents of the United States
Music?
see above
Your things....
Song?
we dont have one... yet
DVD?
something political and funny
Place to hang out?
home, outside
Meal to cook together?
we don't really cook together, we usually cook seperately or for each other
Lasts...
Time you saw him?
8am
Kissed him?
he kissed me this morning before i left for work.
Spoke to him?
8am
When will you...
See him again?
whenever i get home, either after work or after i go hang out with some friends
Speak to him again?
whenever i get home
Tell him you love him again?
when i mean it
Have you ever?
Spent the night together?
every night
Celebrated a holiday together?
um, sure? 4th of july, i suppose is really the only one we've been together for
Made him cry?
not that i know of
Done anything spontaneous together?
sure
Is this love?
it's getting there
we were friends for 5 years, lived together for one of them, and then all of a sudden it was like, 'hey, we have feelings for each other'
Where did you meet?
college, orientation
When did you meet?
August 2003
Was it love at first sight?
nope. we were friends for a long time before we started dating.
how old were you both?
He's one year and 8 days older than me
When did you have your first kiss?
June 5, 2008
Where was your first date?
an indian restaurant, then we drove around and watched the sunset, the fireworks went off, and we went in the hot tub.
How long until you met the parents?
i met them briefly at our college graduation, but we were just friends at that point
When was it official?
i dunno. he changed his facebook status a few weeks ago, but i guess since he kissed me. there's always that awkward phase.
The good...
Whats your happiest memory of him?
whenever he's in a good mood
Whats the sweetest thing he has ever done for you?
he takes care of me when i need to be taken care of, makes me dinner sometimes with wine, comforts me when i need comfort, and washed my car.
Does he buy you lots of gifts?
no. but he helps fix things, sometimes without me asking.
Whats your favorite thing to do together?
cuddle and talk
When did you know you were falling in love?
it's a process
Who said I love you first?
He did. when we took a trip away from everything... a few weeks ago, i suppose it was.
Is it true love?
i think it will grow into it, hopefully.
How do you know this?
i don't
The bad...
Whats his worst habit?
his moodiness, and sometimes he can be selfish. but he's learning.
What annoys you about him?
the unexpected moodiness, sometimes he's great and wonderful, sometimes i want to kick him.
Has he ever hurt you badly?
no. he hurts my feelings sometimes, but i'm sensitive and he ususally doesn't realize that he does it
Would he ever cheat?
i highly doubt it
Has he ever cheated?
no
Do you trust him?
im learning. but i trust him more than most, nowadays.
The ugly....
Best facial feature?
i like his face. his mouth is nice and his eyes are deep.
Favorite part of his body?
his back/chest/legs/arms/hands/shoulders :)
Hair colour?
brown
What does he smell of?
himself
Whats he wearing when you picture him in your head?
right now, what he was wearing this morning. but mostly either a blue shirt and jean shorts and his rainbows and sometimes his glasses, sometimes his contacts. i like his glasses.
Intimacy...
How do you feel when he holds you?
warm and happy
How do you feel when you fall asleep and wake up in his arms?
wonderful. sometimes he unconciously wraps his arms around me at night and it makes me happy
How does it feel when he touches you?
comforting
Does his touch give you goose bumps?
haha. inside joke, but yes, all the time.
Does he kiss your neck?
haha yes. more like eats it. he's like edward cullen. a vampire. haha, not really. growl.
Your tummy?
I'd never let him
Your forehead?
Yep
Deep and meaningfull...
Could you be without him?
at this point, i'd rather not. and the relationship would probably fall apart if we weren't together in proximity. but if we broke up it would be really hard and take awhile to get over. but i would, eventually. though i wouldn't want to.
Do you think about him constantly when your apart?
he crosses my mind a lot, but we're both busy.
How long have you been together?
since june, i suppose.
Can you see a future together?
yes
Would you like to get married?
yes. and all my friends are getting married so its hard not to have that on my mind.
Have children?
someday
Where can you see your relationship in a years time?
hopefully still together. law school is hard on relationships.
5 years time?
by then we'd be done with school, so hopefully married.
Do you know there is definatly no-one better out there for you?
no
How do you know this?
because i'm young
Are you scared he might find someone better?
That is always a possibility, but I hope not.
Is he your best friend as well as your lover?
yes
Does he come first over everyone else in your life?
no. my family comes first.
Would you die for him?
that's a scary question
On a lighter note...
Say something that only you two understand
refrigerator!
Do you have nick names for each other?
not really
Does he make you laugh?
haha. YES
Do you wrestle?
not really
Is he tickelish?
yes
Are you?
Yep
His Favorites...
Food?
he likes mexican and south american food a lot. anything from trader joes
Drink?
water, tea, white russians, coffee
Sport?
he's not really that into sports
Past time?
following up on politics, hanging out with his fraternity brothers, going to cultural events, being outdoors
Animal?
golden retriever.
Aftershave?
smells nice
Clothing style?
business casual for work and school (sometimes), otherwise rainbows (flip flops), t-shirt (usually something witty) and shorts
Band?
he likes jazz. and the Presidents of the United States
Music?
see above
Your things....
Song?
we dont have one... yet
DVD?
something political and funny
Place to hang out?
home, outside
Meal to cook together?
we don't really cook together, we usually cook seperately or for each other
Lasts...
Time you saw him?
8am
Kissed him?
he kissed me this morning before i left for work.
Spoke to him?
8am
When will you...
See him again?
whenever i get home, either after work or after i go hang out with some friends
Speak to him again?
whenever i get home
Tell him you love him again?
when i mean it
Have you ever?
Spent the night together?
every night
Celebrated a holiday together?
um, sure? 4th of july, i suppose is really the only one we've been together for
Made him cry?
not that i know of
Done anything spontaneous together?
sure
Is this love?
it's getting there
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
five things
dear blog,
1. i love senator.
2. so far, him being back in school has been okay. granted, it's been orientation plus one day... haha.
3. he wants me to meet some of his fellow students, etc on friday night.
4. i have been sucked into the world of twilight, and will be there until i finish the last book. at this rate, i'll be done with the weekend. i'm almost done with the first one and it's nearly 500 pages. i started last night...
5. im going to be the maid of honor for my best friends wedding! woo!
love,
me
1. i love senator.
2. so far, him being back in school has been okay. granted, it's been orientation plus one day... haha.
3. he wants me to meet some of his fellow students, etc on friday night.
4. i have been sucked into the world of twilight, and will be there until i finish the last book. at this rate, i'll be done with the weekend. i'm almost done with the first one and it's nearly 500 pages. i started last night...
5. im going to be the maid of honor for my best friends wedding! woo!
love,
me
Friday, August 15, 2008
craigslist... love the website, hate the people
I've been selling all sorts of junk on craigslist and I've come across some irritating people. Twice in the past two days I got stiffed on when people came to pick up the stuff. Last night, I sold something to this guy, and we agreed that it would be for $25. He hands me a $20 and says, "how about a nice crisp twenty." I'm not really good at arguing so I said it was fine but was annoyed that he pulled that on me. Whatever, I got it for free and so even if he paid a dollar, I'd be making money.
Today, this lady comes to pick this other thing up and I had asked $10 for it. She walks in and looks at it and says, "it has a little tear. how about $5?" COME ON. fine. So i say sure, I'm just trying to get rid of it, and she asks if I have change. No, i don't have change. Right now I'm living off of my babysitting money and it's on my debit card.
She goes to see if her daughter has $5, and she doesnt, so she ASKS TO WRITE A CHECK. for something that costs $5. When she has a five dollar bill in her hand. Talk about cheap, I would have just handed over the $10. So now I have to go to the bank (which i already did today, AND I work hours that don't let me get to it before it closes, unless I use my lunch break. And even then, there's not one close by).
Whatever, at least it's gone. Two less things I have to haul the next time I move.
Today, this lady comes to pick this other thing up and I had asked $10 for it. She walks in and looks at it and says, "it has a little tear. how about $5?" COME ON. fine. So i say sure, I'm just trying to get rid of it, and she asks if I have change. No, i don't have change. Right now I'm living off of my babysitting money and it's on my debit card.
She goes to see if her daughter has $5, and she doesnt, so she ASKS TO WRITE A CHECK. for something that costs $5. When she has a five dollar bill in her hand. Talk about cheap, I would have just handed over the $10. So now I have to go to the bank (which i already did today, AND I work hours that don't let me get to it before it closes, unless I use my lunch break. And even then, there's not one close by).
Whatever, at least it's gone. Two less things I have to haul the next time I move.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
different strokes for different folks
I'm going to delete that last post in a day or two.
is it weird that I know it's exactly 175-180 steps from my office to the mailbox? i count them while i walk, but I don't usually realize I'm doing it until i'm at number thirty or so and i'm like, "hey, thirty, thirty one, thirty two" and can't stop.
reminder to self: men and women are SO VERY DIFFERENT.
he fixes things. he fixed the blinds in the bedrooms, put his bathroom back together, moves things, puts the bikes in the rafters, screws things back into the walls, tries to fix my internet.
So i really should realize that's his way of giving, and not get annoyed when he doesn't surprise me with flowers, or surprise me with dinner, or random little things here and there. because he does give, just not in the ways i would. and i appreciate the things he does a lot, once i realize that's his way of giving. i wonder if he thinks the same thing, but backwards, if that makes sense.
anyway. the topic of the day:
five reasons i'm an awesome girlfriend to a boyfriend who started law school orientation today.
1. last night when he said he wanted to go to bed early, I gave him lots of space and made the bed, and like a little boy, stroked his hair until he fell asleep when he said he was nervous about tomorrow.
2. even though he spent ALL NIGHT snoring, hitting me in his sleep (he must have been having really weird dreams), sleeping in the middle of the bed so I got pushed off, and yelling random things "don't turn off the ring tone!" (i don't understand that one) in his sleep, I, instead of pushing him over and waking him up to stop the snoring, pulled a Derek (from Grey's anatomy! mc dreamy!) and took my pillow and an alarm and slept in a different room until 5am when I conveniently snuck back into bed and he never knew that I was gone.
3. I got up at the ungodly hour of 6:20am when he woke up to keep him company while he got ready. I don't usually get up until 7:45.
4. I made him breakfast. I don't cook. i can't cook. when i cook, the kitchen becomes a war zone with things that usually end up charred or undercooked. I made him the best egg-cheese-salsa sandwich of my life, and even he agreed that it was tasty.
5. I'm making him a care package for his first day of actual classes. Included in this package:- a tea kettle (he really wants one but doesn't own one. He drinks a lot of tea)- blue books- a pack of highlighters- pens- stapler- a yearly planner- bluebooks- those flag things (like post its for books)- a nice blue tie. I found this awesome shirt that says, "this is my lucky law school exam shirt" that I'll probably get him closer to test dates. :)
is it weird that I know it's exactly 175-180 steps from my office to the mailbox? i count them while i walk, but I don't usually realize I'm doing it until i'm at number thirty or so and i'm like, "hey, thirty, thirty one, thirty two" and can't stop.
reminder to self: men and women are SO VERY DIFFERENT.
he fixes things. he fixed the blinds in the bedrooms, put his bathroom back together, moves things, puts the bikes in the rafters, screws things back into the walls, tries to fix my internet.
So i really should realize that's his way of giving, and not get annoyed when he doesn't surprise me with flowers, or surprise me with dinner, or random little things here and there. because he does give, just not in the ways i would. and i appreciate the things he does a lot, once i realize that's his way of giving. i wonder if he thinks the same thing, but backwards, if that makes sense.
anyway. the topic of the day:
five reasons i'm an awesome girlfriend to a boyfriend who started law school orientation today.
1. last night when he said he wanted to go to bed early, I gave him lots of space and made the bed, and like a little boy, stroked his hair until he fell asleep when he said he was nervous about tomorrow.
2. even though he spent ALL NIGHT snoring, hitting me in his sleep (he must have been having really weird dreams), sleeping in the middle of the bed so I got pushed off, and yelling random things "don't turn off the ring tone!" (i don't understand that one) in his sleep, I, instead of pushing him over and waking him up to stop the snoring, pulled a Derek (from Grey's anatomy! mc dreamy!) and took my pillow and an alarm and slept in a different room until 5am when I conveniently snuck back into bed and he never knew that I was gone.
3. I got up at the ungodly hour of 6:20am when he woke up to keep him company while he got ready. I don't usually get up until 7:45.
4. I made him breakfast. I don't cook. i can't cook. when i cook, the kitchen becomes a war zone with things that usually end up charred or undercooked. I made him the best egg-cheese-salsa sandwich of my life, and even he agreed that it was tasty.
5. I'm making him a care package for his first day of actual classes. Included in this package:- a tea kettle (he really wants one but doesn't own one. He drinks a lot of tea)- blue books- a pack of highlighters- pens- stapler- a yearly planner- bluebooks- those flag things (like post its for books)- a nice blue tie. I found this awesome shirt that says, "this is my lucky law school exam shirt" that I'll probably get him closer to test dates. :)
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
oh, family.
i. am. so. broke.
and i haven't even paid rent yet. yech.
timeline: i moved the LAST of my stuff out of my old house on August 1st (a friday). It was a week long process of getting my crap out of there and im sure i left a few things that will be lost forever. oh well. i have too much stuff as it is. August 2 at 4am we drove up to the lake. sunday-tuesday we were in at the lake (saw a bear!) and wednesday senator and i flew back. Thursday august 7 we started the painting process... spent a few hours steaming wallpaper off the bathroom walls. steaming=awful. it's hot, sticky and not fun at all. friday: ALL DAY PAINTING AND WALLPAPER REMOVAL. saturday ALL DAY PAINTING AND WALLPAPER REMOVAL. 12 hours of one flag (six flags, more fun!) and inhaling paint fumes. sunday: church in the morning and then... yep! all day of painting and wallpaper removal and getting high on paint. worst headache ever. Yesterday the painter finished the front wall and i hugged it i love the color that much.
so basically i've been living out of my duffel bag and sleeping on a foam mattress on the floor of the living room for a week. which, I suppose isn't all that bad, but i'm really over it and want to be moved in to my nice big bedroom (with my VERY OWN BATHROOM THAT I DONT HAVE TO SHARE WITH ANYONE. oh, and i'm painting it purple the next chance i get) with my new bed and new dresser. okay, they're not new in any sense of the word, but it's not the creaky captains bed i've had for the last year. and then i'm going to go through every single item I own and get rid of at least half. for seriousness.
i haven't seen any of my friends in weeks now, it seems. i've been lost in the world of moving and painting and having a house all to myself. i haven't gotten a text message or a phone call from anyone recently and while part of me is sad, the other part of me would just feel bad for always saying i was busy. give me a week or two and i'll re-emerge into the world. my friend called me yesterday (okay, i lied, people have called me) and told me she got a free 2 week all inclusive paid vacation to europe through her work (she works for a travel company) and she hasn't seen or talked to any of her friends in awhile and knew i'd be excited for her and not "why did you dissapear forever and then call me to brag about this trip". i'm happy for her.
senator starts law school orientation tomorrow and classes start on monday. it'll be a wierd transition from spending lots of time together and having lots of no-stress fun, to seeing him occasionally and having to actually make time to do fun things and having him be moody and stressed. not something i'm really looking forward to, to be honest. but i'll manage. i realized last night that he could be at school from 8am-8pm and i probably wouldn't notice because between my three jobs and a social life, that's my schedule too. us being together never really worked out in my head but now that its real, it's good. i've unearthed a totally different side to him i didn't know existed and it's... for lack of a better word, well, i cant even think of a word. but it's a good word.
hm. what else. this is such a r andom entry, i have nothing to do at work. ooh work! ooh drama. so basically i was on my phone ALL DAY yesterday (at work) consoling my mom and scolding my grandma. long story short, I can add number 48950394850394 to the "reasons I hate my aunt" list now. My grandma moved out of her house to a retirement home and senator and i moved into her old house. She accused my mom of stealing this decanter (pitcher) thing they were freaking out about on sunday and got my grandma to believe her. Because, you know, my mom's a heartless thief who does things like that. And by heartless thief, I mean my grandma okayed my mom to take the stupid pitcher in the first place. I remember her saying to take whatever she wanted when my mom was packing stuff up and my mom showing her all the stuff and my grandma saying it was okay. Stupid. I'm going to have a little heart to heart with my grandma and make her realize that my parents have spent thousands of dollars and several days helping her move and whatnot when my aunt and uncle couldn't even be bothered to come down to help move/pack and get thier shit out of our dining room until a month later (had they come down for an hour even when everything was being packed away, this wouldn't be an issue).
no kidding, my parents spent $1000 to fly down here last minute a few weeks ago (they took time off of work as well) and rent a van to move her stuff when my aunt, my uncle, my three cousins (two of them are married, one has a serious girlfriend so that's six people) ALL LIVE WITHIN ONE HOUR AWAY and none of them could be bothered to come up and pack up boxes. they came for a birthday lunch on sunday and all got drunk. my oldest cousin and i were the only people to get her gifts. did i mention i don't like this side of the family?
so excuse me if i don't have very much sympathy towards my aunt and her stupid pitcher or my grandma who refuses to see her daughter as anything other than a princess. my aunt had the balls to tell me that we should be paying for more on the house when, excuse me, my parents gave me a few hundred bucks to paint but otherwise, i am forking all the money over myself, i've already spent $300 on repairs that the owner of the house should have taken care of, i have spent $1000 on painting the house, and nearly $400 in replacing things that were unusable. not to mention that our house has basically been a free storage unit to both my grandma and my aunt, who both left tons and tons of shit all over the house that I had to box up and get rid of slash store until they can come get it, and if the house was being sold, everyone would lose hundreds of thousands of dollars, and if it was being rented to other people, they'd have to do the same repairs that I just did and they didn't have to deal with anything.
so no, i'm not going to pay one cent more than i have to for rent.
end of house rant. if i had known it would have been this big of a hassle, i would have happily found an apartment somewhere else that i had no responsibilities for and could do to it what i wanted with no worries that i'll get a knock on the door from my aunt and uncle who instead of saying "hi sweetie how are you," say, "wow this place is a mess. where's my decanter? did your mom steal it?" when obviously the place is a disaster because we just moved and everything is being painted. sigh. that was long and involved.
i really want to see mamma mia and a few other movies that have come out recently.
being a grown up is hard sometimes. being a grown up acting older than both my 90 (91 on friday) year old grandma and my 62 year old aunt is even harder.
and i haven't even paid rent yet. yech.
timeline: i moved the LAST of my stuff out of my old house on August 1st (a friday). It was a week long process of getting my crap out of there and im sure i left a few things that will be lost forever. oh well. i have too much stuff as it is. August 2 at 4am we drove up to the lake. sunday-tuesday we were in at the lake (saw a bear!) and wednesday senator and i flew back. Thursday august 7 we started the painting process... spent a few hours steaming wallpaper off the bathroom walls. steaming=awful. it's hot, sticky and not fun at all. friday: ALL DAY PAINTING AND WALLPAPER REMOVAL. saturday ALL DAY PAINTING AND WALLPAPER REMOVAL. 12 hours of one flag (six flags, more fun!) and inhaling paint fumes. sunday: church in the morning and then... yep! all day of painting and wallpaper removal and getting high on paint. worst headache ever. Yesterday the painter finished the front wall and i hugged it i love the color that much.
so basically i've been living out of my duffel bag and sleeping on a foam mattress on the floor of the living room for a week. which, I suppose isn't all that bad, but i'm really over it and want to be moved in to my nice big bedroom (with my VERY OWN BATHROOM THAT I DONT HAVE TO SHARE WITH ANYONE. oh, and i'm painting it purple the next chance i get) with my new bed and new dresser. okay, they're not new in any sense of the word, but it's not the creaky captains bed i've had for the last year. and then i'm going to go through every single item I own and get rid of at least half. for seriousness.
i haven't seen any of my friends in weeks now, it seems. i've been lost in the world of moving and painting and having a house all to myself. i haven't gotten a text message or a phone call from anyone recently and while part of me is sad, the other part of me would just feel bad for always saying i was busy. give me a week or two and i'll re-emerge into the world. my friend called me yesterday (okay, i lied, people have called me) and told me she got a free 2 week all inclusive paid vacation to europe through her work (she works for a travel company) and she hasn't seen or talked to any of her friends in awhile and knew i'd be excited for her and not "why did you dissapear forever and then call me to brag about this trip". i'm happy for her.
senator starts law school orientation tomorrow and classes start on monday. it'll be a wierd transition from spending lots of time together and having lots of no-stress fun, to seeing him occasionally and having to actually make time to do fun things and having him be moody and stressed. not something i'm really looking forward to, to be honest. but i'll manage. i realized last night that he could be at school from 8am-8pm and i probably wouldn't notice because between my three jobs and a social life, that's my schedule too. us being together never really worked out in my head but now that its real, it's good. i've unearthed a totally different side to him i didn't know existed and it's... for lack of a better word, well, i cant even think of a word. but it's a good word.
hm. what else. this is such a r andom entry, i have nothing to do at work. ooh work! ooh drama. so basically i was on my phone ALL DAY yesterday (at work) consoling my mom and scolding my grandma. long story short, I can add number 48950394850394 to the "reasons I hate my aunt" list now. My grandma moved out of her house to a retirement home and senator and i moved into her old house. She accused my mom of stealing this decanter (pitcher) thing they were freaking out about on sunday and got my grandma to believe her. Because, you know, my mom's a heartless thief who does things like that. And by heartless thief, I mean my grandma okayed my mom to take the stupid pitcher in the first place. I remember her saying to take whatever she wanted when my mom was packing stuff up and my mom showing her all the stuff and my grandma saying it was okay. Stupid. I'm going to have a little heart to heart with my grandma and make her realize that my parents have spent thousands of dollars and several days helping her move and whatnot when my aunt and uncle couldn't even be bothered to come down to help move/pack and get thier shit out of our dining room until a month later (had they come down for an hour even when everything was being packed away, this wouldn't be an issue).
no kidding, my parents spent $1000 to fly down here last minute a few weeks ago (they took time off of work as well) and rent a van to move her stuff when my aunt, my uncle, my three cousins (two of them are married, one has a serious girlfriend so that's six people) ALL LIVE WITHIN ONE HOUR AWAY and none of them could be bothered to come up and pack up boxes. they came for a birthday lunch on sunday and all got drunk. my oldest cousin and i were the only people to get her gifts. did i mention i don't like this side of the family?
so excuse me if i don't have very much sympathy towards my aunt and her stupid pitcher or my grandma who refuses to see her daughter as anything other than a princess. my aunt had the balls to tell me that we should be paying for more on the house when, excuse me, my parents gave me a few hundred bucks to paint but otherwise, i am forking all the money over myself, i've already spent $300 on repairs that the owner of the house should have taken care of, i have spent $1000 on painting the house, and nearly $400 in replacing things that were unusable. not to mention that our house has basically been a free storage unit to both my grandma and my aunt, who both left tons and tons of shit all over the house that I had to box up and get rid of slash store until they can come get it, and if the house was being sold, everyone would lose hundreds of thousands of dollars, and if it was being rented to other people, they'd have to do the same repairs that I just did and they didn't have to deal with anything.
so no, i'm not going to pay one cent more than i have to for rent.
end of house rant. if i had known it would have been this big of a hassle, i would have happily found an apartment somewhere else that i had no responsibilities for and could do to it what i wanted with no worries that i'll get a knock on the door from my aunt and uncle who instead of saying "hi sweetie how are you," say, "wow this place is a mess. where's my decanter? did your mom steal it?" when obviously the place is a disaster because we just moved and everything is being painted. sigh. that was long and involved.
i really want to see mamma mia and a few other movies that have come out recently.
being a grown up is hard sometimes. being a grown up acting older than both my 90 (91 on friday) year old grandma and my 62 year old aunt is even harder.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
he loves me?
on august 3, 2008, ***** ***** (aka senator) said" you're beautiful.......... i love you"
and i didn't know what to say back. on one hand, i look at him as my future husband. on the other, i'm like, can i do better?
but he said "i love you" and it blew my mind.
and now i have him... and im terrified of letting myself feel the quote on quote "love" before he starts law school. but whatever, for now. we've spent the last five days in total bliss on vacation and i could totally get used to this.
he told me he LOVED me. that's pretty dang huge. he LOVES me. wow.
wow.
and i didn't know what to say back. on one hand, i look at him as my future husband. on the other, i'm like, can i do better?
but he said "i love you" and it blew my mind.
and now i have him... and im terrified of letting myself feel the quote on quote "love" before he starts law school. but whatever, for now. we've spent the last five days in total bliss on vacation and i could totally get used to this.
he told me he LOVED me. that's pretty dang huge. he LOVES me. wow.
wow.
Monday, July 28, 2008
smitten?
So.... what does it mean when Senator sends me a public link on facebook about a Mayor from California who just got married in the state he's from and eventually wants to move back to?
I just got goosebumps. I'm terrified and excited to think that he might be the one, that if we survive him going to law school, he and I will get married. It terrifies me because I don't want to open my heart to that idea so soon and because if I get hurt, it will hurt even more. But I can see us together in the future. Im just so scared of him going to law school and ruining what we have. I have a feeling I will be blogging about this a lot in my other blog, which I can give anyone the link to if you read this.
I can't believe six months ago when I said I liked him but never thought anything would happen, and now he's mine and it's good. We spend so much time together and dont get sick of each other and he's just... great. Sure, he drives me crazy and makes me angry sometimes, but what friend doesnt? He makes me laugh, he lets me cry, and his chest is perfect for me to lie on.
i moved all my crap to my new place this weekend and now just have the leftovers strewn across my floor. i. have. so. much. stuff. it took two uhaul trips. garage sale time, for sure. it's fun to shop for new bedding and furnature, craigslist is my new BFF. i don't understand why people spend tons and tons of money on new furnature when you can get gently used stuff on craigslist for free and cheap. if i get stuff new, im afraid of messing it up or breaking it. but if i pay a little for something i like, if it breaks, that sucks but its not a huge loss. nice expensive things make me nervous. not that i have nice expensive things other than my car, laptop and guitar (hardly the laptop anymore, it's going on six years old, lol), but whatever. Senator came up with a creative idea since we dont have living room furnature yet to use his bed as a couch, since he's inheriting a new bigger bed (thank god) and that will be fun (for awhile).
Anywho. back to looking on craigslist!
I just got goosebumps. I'm terrified and excited to think that he might be the one, that if we survive him going to law school, he and I will get married. It terrifies me because I don't want to open my heart to that idea so soon and because if I get hurt, it will hurt even more. But I can see us together in the future. Im just so scared of him going to law school and ruining what we have. I have a feeling I will be blogging about this a lot in my other blog, which I can give anyone the link to if you read this.
I can't believe six months ago when I said I liked him but never thought anything would happen, and now he's mine and it's good. We spend so much time together and dont get sick of each other and he's just... great. Sure, he drives me crazy and makes me angry sometimes, but what friend doesnt? He makes me laugh, he lets me cry, and his chest is perfect for me to lie on.
i moved all my crap to my new place this weekend and now just have the leftovers strewn across my floor. i. have. so. much. stuff. it took two uhaul trips. garage sale time, for sure. it's fun to shop for new bedding and furnature, craigslist is my new BFF. i don't understand why people spend tons and tons of money on new furnature when you can get gently used stuff on craigslist for free and cheap. if i get stuff new, im afraid of messing it up or breaking it. but if i pay a little for something i like, if it breaks, that sucks but its not a huge loss. nice expensive things make me nervous. not that i have nice expensive things other than my car, laptop and guitar (hardly the laptop anymore, it's going on six years old, lol), but whatever. Senator came up with a creative idea since we dont have living room furnature yet to use his bed as a couch, since he's inheriting a new bigger bed (thank god) and that will be fun (for awhile).
Anywho. back to looking on craigslist!
Friday, July 25, 2008
new house
i haven't written in here for awhile. but new rant! hooray.
I am moving to a nice big house this weekend. The catch: the landlords are my dad and my aunt. Which at first was awesome. And now it sucks. Hardcore.
problem one: cleaning and furnature.
the house used to be my grandmas. she moved to a retirement home and left tons and tons of stuff. which one one hand is awesome because i don't have any kitchen stuff and hardly any furnature. but the downside is that a lot of it is NICE and if it gets ruined, i'm screwed. and some of it is uuuuuugly. and i'm the one who has to get rid of it. plus, there are tons of burned out light bulbs and other things that need to be cleaned/fixed that again, I have to take care of.
problem two: wallpaper and paint
i was under the impression that we could get rid of the god-awful wallpaper and paint. we had someone come over last night to look at it and it turns out since the wallpaper is so old, it's going to take awhile to get rid of. and it's going to be exxxxxxpensive. we also found out that all the paint is oil based, which is desired now but its an ugly yellow color. which means we have to sand EVERYTHING before we paint it, and there are something like 20 doors in the house, not counting all the trim. plus, when the guy came over he ripped off a big chunk of wallpaper in my bedroom and now we aren't painting it which means I'm doubly screwed when my dad and aunt find out
problem three: pets
again, i was under the impression that we could get a pet. we could probably get away with getting a cat, but two of the four of us are allergic, so that's out. but i found out this morning that dogs are a no-no. which was part of the incentive for moving in.
so fuck this project. we would have been better off renting an apartment somewhere. none of this is turning out like I had hoped, and it's caused many arguements between Senator and I (who is great by the way).
yuuuuuuuuuuck
I am moving to a nice big house this weekend. The catch: the landlords are my dad and my aunt. Which at first was awesome. And now it sucks. Hardcore.
problem one: cleaning and furnature.
the house used to be my grandmas. she moved to a retirement home and left tons and tons of stuff. which one one hand is awesome because i don't have any kitchen stuff and hardly any furnature. but the downside is that a lot of it is NICE and if it gets ruined, i'm screwed. and some of it is uuuuuugly. and i'm the one who has to get rid of it. plus, there are tons of burned out light bulbs and other things that need to be cleaned/fixed that again, I have to take care of.
problem two: wallpaper and paint
i was under the impression that we could get rid of the god-awful wallpaper and paint. we had someone come over last night to look at it and it turns out since the wallpaper is so old, it's going to take awhile to get rid of. and it's going to be exxxxxxpensive. we also found out that all the paint is oil based, which is desired now but its an ugly yellow color. which means we have to sand EVERYTHING before we paint it, and there are something like 20 doors in the house, not counting all the trim. plus, when the guy came over he ripped off a big chunk of wallpaper in my bedroom and now we aren't painting it which means I'm doubly screwed when my dad and aunt find out
problem three: pets
again, i was under the impression that we could get a pet. we could probably get away with getting a cat, but two of the four of us are allergic, so that's out. but i found out this morning that dogs are a no-no. which was part of the incentive for moving in.
so fuck this project. we would have been better off renting an apartment somewhere. none of this is turning out like I had hoped, and it's caused many arguements between Senator and I (who is great by the way).
yuuuuuuuuuuck
Monday, July 14, 2008
stop at nothing
This was a good weekend.
I hung out with girls I used to be tight with during college but haven't seen in years, and followed that with a birthday party. On saturday, Senator and I went out to breakfast and went shopping all day, and then i went to a wedding reception for his cousin, where I met most of his extended family: aunts, uncles, cousins, grandma... most of them were very nice and we had a good time. We came home and he told me I owed him a walk, so we held hands and walked slowly to our college and back, looking at houses and hugging often and got home just as the sun finished setting. i was in a summer dress and he was in my favorite shirt.
we hung out and played games, went in the hot tub and snuggled all night and it was nice. The next day (sunday) i was gone most of the day at a bridal shower (he's IN the wedding, i'm friends with both the groom and bride) and left him at home. i invited a friend over and the three of us played some board games and watched a movie... our tv broke so we watched it in my bedroom. Senator and I were on the bed and our friend sat on a chair and we cuddled. twice he was mean to me and i told him later, "you're being mean to me" and I think he felt bad because he stopped and kissed my forehead.
i really like when he spends the night because i like being with him but sometimes i get claustraphobic and want to spread out. he tends to sleep in the middle of the bed so i get squished up against the wall in the crack.
this morning i was getting ready to leave for work and we both walked outside and I said bye to him and he said, "man, your car looks shiny" and i looked, and it was SO CLEAN. I'd been whining that I needed to get a car wash badly but i hadn't done it yet (and my parents are coming into town so I wanted it clean) and not only had he washed it (it was BAD. bird poo EVERYWHERE and dirt everywhere) but he amorall-ed the inside. What a sweetie. He must have done it when I was at the bridal shower.
I told my mom about us today. I purposely was really nice to her on the phone (i tend to be short with her more often than not) and finally was like, "i dont really know how to say this but senator and i are dating" and she laughed and said, "oh i know." I kind of figured she knew. it's not that hard to figure out. but since we live together, i didn't really know how she'd react. she got all awkward when she basically was trying to ask me if we are sleeping together and i blatantly told her our stance on that and it was kind of awkward.oh well.
i think i need to go to the doctor. i've been having wierd abdominal pain lately and the skin on my fingers is peeling. no idea if the two are related, but it makes me nervous. i hate doctors. i like to play the, "maybe if i ignore it, it will go away" game.
anywho. that's my story. Nothing much else is new. :)
I hung out with girls I used to be tight with during college but haven't seen in years, and followed that with a birthday party. On saturday, Senator and I went out to breakfast and went shopping all day, and then i went to a wedding reception for his cousin, where I met most of his extended family: aunts, uncles, cousins, grandma... most of them were very nice and we had a good time. We came home and he told me I owed him a walk, so we held hands and walked slowly to our college and back, looking at houses and hugging often and got home just as the sun finished setting. i was in a summer dress and he was in my favorite shirt.
we hung out and played games, went in the hot tub and snuggled all night and it was nice. The next day (sunday) i was gone most of the day at a bridal shower (he's IN the wedding, i'm friends with both the groom and bride) and left him at home. i invited a friend over and the three of us played some board games and watched a movie... our tv broke so we watched it in my bedroom. Senator and I were on the bed and our friend sat on a chair and we cuddled. twice he was mean to me and i told him later, "you're being mean to me" and I think he felt bad because he stopped and kissed my forehead.
i really like when he spends the night because i like being with him but sometimes i get claustraphobic and want to spread out. he tends to sleep in the middle of the bed so i get squished up against the wall in the crack.
this morning i was getting ready to leave for work and we both walked outside and I said bye to him and he said, "man, your car looks shiny" and i looked, and it was SO CLEAN. I'd been whining that I needed to get a car wash badly but i hadn't done it yet (and my parents are coming into town so I wanted it clean) and not only had he washed it (it was BAD. bird poo EVERYWHERE and dirt everywhere) but he amorall-ed the inside. What a sweetie. He must have done it when I was at the bridal shower.
I told my mom about us today. I purposely was really nice to her on the phone (i tend to be short with her more often than not) and finally was like, "i dont really know how to say this but senator and i are dating" and she laughed and said, "oh i know." I kind of figured she knew. it's not that hard to figure out. but since we live together, i didn't really know how she'd react. she got all awkward when she basically was trying to ask me if we are sleeping together and i blatantly told her our stance on that and it was kind of awkward.oh well.
i think i need to go to the doctor. i've been having wierd abdominal pain lately and the skin on my fingers is peeling. no idea if the two are related, but it makes me nervous. i hate doctors. i like to play the, "maybe if i ignore it, it will go away" game.
anywho. that's my story. Nothing much else is new. :)
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
the good life
Of course, I was being emotional and dumb and I got over it.
He's a sweetie, a nerd and a punk sometimes, but he's mine and that's all that matters. I'd much rather have a best friend than someone to make out with all the time.
I came home laaaaate last night expecting him to be asleep but he was awake watching radiohead and i came in to say hello and we talked for an hour or so, and then I was just going to go to bed and waited for him to finish up in the bathroom so I could say goodnight, and he came in and held me for awhile, and then in this cute voice said, "can i sleep in your bed tonight so we can cuddle?"
it was really cute. and that's what we did. I didn't sleep well because i'm still getting used to having someone in my bed, but even asleep he tries to hold me. it's adorable.
Mom, on the other hand, is someone i will be glad to be getting away from in a few weeks for good.
:)
He's a sweetie, a nerd and a punk sometimes, but he's mine and that's all that matters. I'd much rather have a best friend than someone to make out with all the time.
I came home laaaaate last night expecting him to be asleep but he was awake watching radiohead and i came in to say hello and we talked for an hour or so, and then I was just going to go to bed and waited for him to finish up in the bathroom so I could say goodnight, and he came in and held me for awhile, and then in this cute voice said, "can i sleep in your bed tonight so we can cuddle?"
it was really cute. and that's what we did. I didn't sleep well because i'm still getting used to having someone in my bed, but even asleep he tries to hold me. it's adorable.
Mom, on the other hand, is someone i will be glad to be getting away from in a few weeks for good.
:)
Monday, July 7, 2008
maybe you're gonna be the one that saves me
Things go so up and down with Senator. I think its because he does things that hurt my feelings without realizing it, and I'm super sensitive to a lot of things and take things personally.
Thursday night we went to a bbq and he sat in the corner and read while the rest of us socialized. We got home kind of early and he went to bed without saying goodnight to me, slamming the door (but to be fair, the doors slam whether you try to slam them or not) and the mixture of too much alcohol and high emotions made me flip out, sobbing on the phone to my friends. My friends were awesome though and helped me out, and I went to bed still upset but feeling better.
The next morning he came in and crawled into bed with me and I told him that I was upset and that even though he probably didn't realize it, he really hurt my feelings and that it's important to me to say goodnight and good morning. He was silent for awhile, but then got cuddly and we talked about other stuff and I felt better. He told me to go back to sleep because I was tired so I did, and when I woke up, he had saved me stuff to make breakfast, and he made it for me. We spent all morning/afternoon watching movies (this was on the 4th) and then had people over for a bbq and fireworks show. He cleaned most of the stuff up and spent the night. Saturday we spent most of it laying around and watching more movies (and he made me lunch) and later went to the gym, he made dinner for both of us, and he made a bonfire in our back yard and we held hands while we watched the flames burn out. It was really nice. He spent the night again and it was a great night. In the morning we went to church and he held my hand... I think he feels more comfortable with PDA's on his terms, he initiates it at church and while i feel a little uncomfortable doing that at church, I think it's sweet and people know that we're together. However, I need to STOP going there when I'm horribly hung over because it makes the messages extra long. lol. a few girlfriends and I went to see Made of Honor yesterday and while predictable and cheesy, it was a cute (dumb) chick flick.
my friend who i saw the movie with is really hesitant of my relationship with him. And i do worry that im making a big mistake, but it's too late now and i cant really undo it. most of the time i'm happy with him and he's so great. I just need to learn how to get what i need out of him and not take it personally when he doesn't meet my expectations. I wish he was a little more... forthcoming about how he's feeling, but he's a guy... so... but really, i get upset with him for reasons that make sense to me, and then he gets all sweet and nice and does little things for me that totally make up for it... only to hurt my feelings again later (probably without realizing it).
anyway. in other news, i kind of cant wait to move in a few weeks. mom is driving me nuts... she's so up and down too. yesterday she was moody and cranky and taking it out on us for no reason, and her and senator started fighting again. but later when it was just me, she was perfectly fine. who knows?
we have a new friend living in our house... i really should name him. He's a giant cockroach that somehow manages to escape death daily. We've tried killing him so many times, I'm starting to think it's like Metamorphosis. i woke up in the middle of the night last night and came back in my room, but turned on the light to make sure there wasnt an axe murderer who came in during the night and the stupid cockroach was running across the floor. eventually i decided not to care and went back to bed, but I sure didn't sleep well.
how on earth is it already july 7??? time flies, that's for sure.
Thursday night we went to a bbq and he sat in the corner and read while the rest of us socialized. We got home kind of early and he went to bed without saying goodnight to me, slamming the door (but to be fair, the doors slam whether you try to slam them or not) and the mixture of too much alcohol and high emotions made me flip out, sobbing on the phone to my friends. My friends were awesome though and helped me out, and I went to bed still upset but feeling better.
The next morning he came in and crawled into bed with me and I told him that I was upset and that even though he probably didn't realize it, he really hurt my feelings and that it's important to me to say goodnight and good morning. He was silent for awhile, but then got cuddly and we talked about other stuff and I felt better. He told me to go back to sleep because I was tired so I did, and when I woke up, he had saved me stuff to make breakfast, and he made it for me. We spent all morning/afternoon watching movies (this was on the 4th) and then had people over for a bbq and fireworks show. He cleaned most of the stuff up and spent the night. Saturday we spent most of it laying around and watching more movies (and he made me lunch) and later went to the gym, he made dinner for both of us, and he made a bonfire in our back yard and we held hands while we watched the flames burn out. It was really nice. He spent the night again and it was a great night. In the morning we went to church and he held my hand... I think he feels more comfortable with PDA's on his terms, he initiates it at church and while i feel a little uncomfortable doing that at church, I think it's sweet and people know that we're together. However, I need to STOP going there when I'm horribly hung over because it makes the messages extra long. lol. a few girlfriends and I went to see Made of Honor yesterday and while predictable and cheesy, it was a cute (dumb) chick flick.
my friend who i saw the movie with is really hesitant of my relationship with him. And i do worry that im making a big mistake, but it's too late now and i cant really undo it. most of the time i'm happy with him and he's so great. I just need to learn how to get what i need out of him and not take it personally when he doesn't meet my expectations. I wish he was a little more... forthcoming about how he's feeling, but he's a guy... so... but really, i get upset with him for reasons that make sense to me, and then he gets all sweet and nice and does little things for me that totally make up for it... only to hurt my feelings again later (probably without realizing it).
anyway. in other news, i kind of cant wait to move in a few weeks. mom is driving me nuts... she's so up and down too. yesterday she was moody and cranky and taking it out on us for no reason, and her and senator started fighting again. but later when it was just me, she was perfectly fine. who knows?
we have a new friend living in our house... i really should name him. He's a giant cockroach that somehow manages to escape death daily. We've tried killing him so many times, I'm starting to think it's like Metamorphosis. i woke up in the middle of the night last night and came back in my room, but turned on the light to make sure there wasnt an axe murderer who came in during the night and the stupid cockroach was running across the floor. eventually i decided not to care and went back to bed, but I sure didn't sleep well.
how on earth is it already july 7??? time flies, that's for sure.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
looking at the world from the bottom of a well
i got home last night after deciding all day that he was starting to lose feelings for me and he was all cuddly and sweet and goofy. we were standing in my room and goofing off and out of nowhere, he says,
"so i told my parents about us today"
and my jaw pretty much dropped. that's a HUGE deal. i asked him what they said and he said they were cool with it, (since we're moving together blah blah blah) and he said his mom pretty much had already figured it out.
he also said that she wants grandkids, which was kind of wierd but even so, i'm so relieved and happy they know.
so we spent a lovely night cuddling and laughing and being sweet
and it ended with frustration and crying. moreso with issues "down there"
we talked a little about it this morning and i think we're fine. but i hate this up and down.
but for now im going to focus on how happy i am his parents know and the fact that he told them on his own. :)
"so i told my parents about us today"
and my jaw pretty much dropped. that's a HUGE deal. i asked him what they said and he said they were cool with it, (since we're moving together blah blah blah) and he said his mom pretty much had already figured it out.
he also said that she wants grandkids, which was kind of wierd but even so, i'm so relieved and happy they know.
so we spent a lovely night cuddling and laughing and being sweet
and it ended with frustration and crying. moreso with issues "down there"
we talked a little about it this morning and i think we're fine. but i hate this up and down.
but for now im going to focus on how happy i am his parents know and the fact that he told them on his own. :)
Monday, June 30, 2008
a letter to myself
Dear self,
you've been freaking out lately and i need you to stop. i know you freak out in relationships, and you are scared of them, but here's a list to re-read when you start feeling that intensity.
Things to remember:
1. live each day for what it is. it was designed to be shitty. or great. or mediokre. if every day was awful or beautiful, the highs and lows wouldn't be worth it
2. when he's cranky, it's probably not you. just let him go and be cranky and eventually he'll get over it. it's not going to do you any better to try and fix him and in fact, it will probably make it worse. just because you crave someone to come help you when you're cranky, doesn't mean everyone does.
3. it's not okay for him to neglect you
4. it's not fair for you to expect him to give you lots of attention just because you give 200%.
5. put some space between you and him sometimes.
6. you jumped into this relationship really fast and you have a tendency to get over your head in new projects. take a step back and re-evaluate and adjust.
7. you also have a tendency to look past whats in front of you hoping there is something better behind it. accept and appreciate what is accessable to you.
8. don't make excessive demands and get prince charming out of your head. even prince charming has flaws.
9. stop doubting yourself. you are beautiful, smart, loving and deserving of something wonderful. he cares about you, and so do your friends and family.
10. stop listening to depressing music at work and thinking too much about things that you don't have control over. it doesn't help anyone.
11. practice some restraint
12. don't cater to his every need. let him come to you sometimes. don't be too available. you'll just end up getting hurt.
13. don't give him your whole heart. give him a small peice and see how he treats it first, but be careful. we all know how much break ups suck.
14. how he makes you feel and the role he starts to play in your life shouldn't interfere with other friendships and relationships. your friends were there before the boyfriend, and they deserve priority too.
15. don't make him your whole life. ever. love, but carefully.
love,
me
you've been freaking out lately and i need you to stop. i know you freak out in relationships, and you are scared of them, but here's a list to re-read when you start feeling that intensity.
Things to remember:
1. live each day for what it is. it was designed to be shitty. or great. or mediokre. if every day was awful or beautiful, the highs and lows wouldn't be worth it
2. when he's cranky, it's probably not you. just let him go and be cranky and eventually he'll get over it. it's not going to do you any better to try and fix him and in fact, it will probably make it worse. just because you crave someone to come help you when you're cranky, doesn't mean everyone does.
3. it's not okay for him to neglect you
4. it's not fair for you to expect him to give you lots of attention just because you give 200%.
5. put some space between you and him sometimes.
6. you jumped into this relationship really fast and you have a tendency to get over your head in new projects. take a step back and re-evaluate and adjust.
7. you also have a tendency to look past whats in front of you hoping there is something better behind it. accept and appreciate what is accessable to you.
8. don't make excessive demands and get prince charming out of your head. even prince charming has flaws.
9. stop doubting yourself. you are beautiful, smart, loving and deserving of something wonderful. he cares about you, and so do your friends and family.
10. stop listening to depressing music at work and thinking too much about things that you don't have control over. it doesn't help anyone.
11. practice some restraint
12. don't cater to his every need. let him come to you sometimes. don't be too available. you'll just end up getting hurt.
13. don't give him your whole heart. give him a small peice and see how he treats it first, but be careful. we all know how much break ups suck.
14. how he makes you feel and the role he starts to play in your life shouldn't interfere with other friendships and relationships. your friends were there before the boyfriend, and they deserve priority too.
15. don't make him your whole life. ever. love, but carefully.
love,
me
Friday, June 20, 2008
i'm in your shadow, everywhere i go
I'm catching up to the number of posts i had on my old blog... three more and it will be equal. lol.
i've had no incentive to write, since my doppelganger is actually nearest to me and not anywhere near a computer. we are meeting tonight, which is exciting. :)
senator and i had our first real date last night. in some ways, it's kind of silly, because we live together, we've been friends for five years etc etc. but i got the message across that just because we DO live together doesn't mean we get to cheat on the dating part. so he planned a date and didn't tell me where or what. i got home last night and decompressed, and we left. he took me to this indian restaurant we've both been wanting to go to for quite some time and they had a really cool setup inside. instead of regular booths, they had these couch things with pillows. and since there were only like 5 people in the restauarant, it was really quiet. we started out sitting across from each other but it felt wierd so he came and sat next to me. i wore my new dress (and promptly got yellow daal on it. oops) and we had SO MUCH FOOD. i didn't even feel like we ordered that much but i haven't been eating much lately and i think my stomach shrunk. the food was really good and there were only a few awkward silences. afterwards niether one of us really wanted to go home, and since it's ridiculously light outside until almost 9pm, we decided to go mini golfing, which was actually in the plan for MY date. but when we got there, they were closed early for a private party. lame.
so we just started driving and looking at houses and whatnot, and ended up in some nice neighborhood. we drove up the top of this giant hill and parked and could see all the way down to the ocean through the canyons. we watched the sun finish setting and just talked, and after awhile it got cold so we left. on the way back down the hill, the fireworks from the angel's game went off and we stopped and watched them for a few minutes. he drove me to another spot with a great view, and then we went home and went in the hot tub.
all in all, it was a pretty great first date. we were laughing because we're doing everything backwards. we've been friends for five years, we've lived together for a year, we made out/got physical, and THEN went out on our first date. i think it's funny. but it's so much better this way. there's no awkward dating, no feeling like we have to fill the silences, it's all just very... comfortable.
and the fact that he saved my life is pretty cool too.
no joke. i've had asthma for as long as i can remember but haven't had any problems with it in YEARS. but two nights ago while we were in the hot tub i had a really bad attack and it got to the point where i started to pass out. he took care of me and found my inhalor (how, only god knows) and made sure i didn't drown. it was terrifying.
so yeah. he's pretty much great. i have a good idea for our second date (which im planning) and i hope it goes well. i'm excited.
i've had no incentive to write, since my doppelganger is actually nearest to me and not anywhere near a computer. we are meeting tonight, which is exciting. :)
senator and i had our first real date last night. in some ways, it's kind of silly, because we live together, we've been friends for five years etc etc. but i got the message across that just because we DO live together doesn't mean we get to cheat on the dating part. so he planned a date and didn't tell me where or what. i got home last night and decompressed, and we left. he took me to this indian restaurant we've both been wanting to go to for quite some time and they had a really cool setup inside. instead of regular booths, they had these couch things with pillows. and since there were only like 5 people in the restauarant, it was really quiet. we started out sitting across from each other but it felt wierd so he came and sat next to me. i wore my new dress (and promptly got yellow daal on it. oops) and we had SO MUCH FOOD. i didn't even feel like we ordered that much but i haven't been eating much lately and i think my stomach shrunk. the food was really good and there were only a few awkward silences. afterwards niether one of us really wanted to go home, and since it's ridiculously light outside until almost 9pm, we decided to go mini golfing, which was actually in the plan for MY date. but when we got there, they were closed early for a private party. lame.
so we just started driving and looking at houses and whatnot, and ended up in some nice neighborhood. we drove up the top of this giant hill and parked and could see all the way down to the ocean through the canyons. we watched the sun finish setting and just talked, and after awhile it got cold so we left. on the way back down the hill, the fireworks from the angel's game went off and we stopped and watched them for a few minutes. he drove me to another spot with a great view, and then we went home and went in the hot tub.
all in all, it was a pretty great first date. we were laughing because we're doing everything backwards. we've been friends for five years, we've lived together for a year, we made out/got physical, and THEN went out on our first date. i think it's funny. but it's so much better this way. there's no awkward dating, no feeling like we have to fill the silences, it's all just very... comfortable.
and the fact that he saved my life is pretty cool too.
no joke. i've had asthma for as long as i can remember but haven't had any problems with it in YEARS. but two nights ago while we were in the hot tub i had a really bad attack and it got to the point where i started to pass out. he took care of me and found my inhalor (how, only god knows) and made sure i didn't drown. it was terrifying.
so yeah. he's pretty much great. i have a good idea for our second date (which im planning) and i hope it goes well. i'm excited.
Friday, June 13, 2008
now i'm sweeping the streets i used to own
So I'm currently obsessed with Coldplay's viva la vida song. the lyrics are, whatever, but the melody is super catchy.
Senator got a comment on his facebook wall today asking if he had a girlfriend (his profile pic is of us) and he wrote on their wall this:
kinda...(insert my real name here) is my housemate and about a week ago we decided that we were more than just friends. we have a lot of the same friends from college so we just want to take it slow and figure that they can think whatever they want. since we live together already we laid down some rules like worst case scenario we need to not be mad and still be friends since we've been friends for the last five years. we get along ridiculously well and enjoy spending time together. we balance each other out personality wise but at the same time we have very similar values. now i just need to tell my parents...
awwww. i think that's sweet. i am someone who needs affrimation and reminding ALL THE TIME about stuff, so this makes me feel better. i sabotage it in my head and am like, he doesn't really like me etc etc.
but it's okay. and i just need to learn to let go and relax and take it one day at a time (i'm bad at that). i really really like him, i really hope it works out. i dont want to date ever again.
i spent the past few hours making dinner for my family (and they loved it! i'm in town for the weekend, obviously) and then went to my friends house. she and my other best friend just got an apt together and it's sweet. HOT, but sweet. it's big. and i love how she's doing her room. i love moving because it means you can redecorate. the only downfall to the new place im moving to is that there is gross wallpaper everywhere and we can't take it down. but it will be fun.
my mom and i were going through old old photos today, back to her wedding. my parents were one year older than i am now when they got married. it was fun looking at thier pictures, since we're not the type of family to have tons of family portraits or old wedding photos up everywhere.
my dad and brother noticed i've lost weight. it's helped a lot having a scale in my bedroom, i am to get lower. and it helps a lot that i've cut down on drinking. tonight i really wanted to go to the gym but there's not a 24 around here. my parents live in the boonies.
i graduated high school with most of the people i went to kindergarten with, and i found a ton of papers, projects, class worksheets and photos with people in them that i haven't talked to in years. it's wierd, part of me wants to send them it and say, "stop being a bitch to me. i've done nothing to you and we have history, so get over yourself" one of the projects i found was from the 5th grade or so, and he died our senior year of high school in a car accident. it was kind of eerie finding his handwriting in a pile of my papers.
i'm getting a pedicure tomorrow with my friend who is very very pregnant. like, she's been having contractions for a week now but still no baby. wouldn't that be funny if she started going into labor as they were painting her nails? that would be AWESOME. because then i could be there. i really really want to have my own baby someday, but i have this big fear that i wont be able to. another incentive for losing weight, i suppose.
anyway, i dont really have anything else to say. i miss senator and i hope we work out.
Senator got a comment on his facebook wall today asking if he had a girlfriend (his profile pic is of us) and he wrote on their wall this:
kinda...(insert my real name here) is my housemate and about a week ago we decided that we were more than just friends. we have a lot of the same friends from college so we just want to take it slow and figure that they can think whatever they want. since we live together already we laid down some rules like worst case scenario we need to not be mad and still be friends since we've been friends for the last five years. we get along ridiculously well and enjoy spending time together. we balance each other out personality wise but at the same time we have very similar values. now i just need to tell my parents...
awwww. i think that's sweet. i am someone who needs affrimation and reminding ALL THE TIME about stuff, so this makes me feel better. i sabotage it in my head and am like, he doesn't really like me etc etc.
but it's okay. and i just need to learn to let go and relax and take it one day at a time (i'm bad at that). i really really like him, i really hope it works out. i dont want to date ever again.
i spent the past few hours making dinner for my family (and they loved it! i'm in town for the weekend, obviously) and then went to my friends house. she and my other best friend just got an apt together and it's sweet. HOT, but sweet. it's big. and i love how she's doing her room. i love moving because it means you can redecorate. the only downfall to the new place im moving to is that there is gross wallpaper everywhere and we can't take it down. but it will be fun.
my mom and i were going through old old photos today, back to her wedding. my parents were one year older than i am now when they got married. it was fun looking at thier pictures, since we're not the type of family to have tons of family portraits or old wedding photos up everywhere.
my dad and brother noticed i've lost weight. it's helped a lot having a scale in my bedroom, i am to get lower. and it helps a lot that i've cut down on drinking. tonight i really wanted to go to the gym but there's not a 24 around here. my parents live in the boonies.
i graduated high school with most of the people i went to kindergarten with, and i found a ton of papers, projects, class worksheets and photos with people in them that i haven't talked to in years. it's wierd, part of me wants to send them it and say, "stop being a bitch to me. i've done nothing to you and we have history, so get over yourself" one of the projects i found was from the 5th grade or so, and he died our senior year of high school in a car accident. it was kind of eerie finding his handwriting in a pile of my papers.
i'm getting a pedicure tomorrow with my friend who is very very pregnant. like, she's been having contractions for a week now but still no baby. wouldn't that be funny if she started going into labor as they were painting her nails? that would be AWESOME. because then i could be there. i really really want to have my own baby someday, but i have this big fear that i wont be able to. another incentive for losing weight, i suppose.
anyway, i dont really have anything else to say. i miss senator and i hope we work out.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
so so tired
I'm almost waiting for the other ball to drop. How is Senator so perfect for me? He really is amazing. Of course, I'm being swept up into the world of romance, but seriously.
Warning: this might be a little TMI. if you don't want to read it, skip ahead.
he spent the night last night in my room. This is the second time this has happened and for the first time ever, i felt like it was fun, not wrong/dirty. I've had sleepovers with boyfriends and I always end up feeling dirty and/or used. but he has the perfect size chest, nice long arms that make me feel small(er), and is the biggest cuddler of anyone i know. Imagine a friendly cuddly cat. that's senator. we spent all night cuddling and being romantic, and at one point when we both woke up (it happened several times) we talked and talked and talked. We talked about MARRIAGE. and it was fun. we've both agreed not to have sex until we are married, so that's nice that we're on the same page. but the running joke all night was that we should go to vegas because we want to make love. it's silly, but fun and cute. towards the time we had to get up, he crossed a line (a fun line, but a line i didnt want to cross just yet) and again, instead of feeling horribly awkward and uncomfortable and dirty, i felt okay. we TALK about sex. which is way nicer than pretending to avoid talking about it. it got hot and heavy there for awhile and then the alarm kept going off and we overslept. he got up to take a shower and i fell back asleep. he woke me up awhile later and laid down and said something along the lines of, "i'm sorry i crossed that line, and i hope you're not uncomfortable or anything, thank you for keeping us in check and doing the right thing for both of us. later when you get home from babysitting, lets take a walk around the neighborhood and hold hands"
HOW FREAKING SWEET IS THAT. and what guy apologizes for crossing that line and then wants to take a walk around the neighborhood holding hands? it's so cute. so so cute.
i can see myself with him for my whole life. my whole entire life. i can see us getting married and having kids, and having lots and lots of sex. and loving each other wholly and completely. (not in that order, lol). how did i end up with someone so perfect?
there's this episode of grey's anatamy where callie and george get married in vegas. they come back and announce it to everyone really excitedly, only to find that everyone is kind of laughing at them slash looking at them like they're crazy. Callie says something along the lines of, "i want to go back to our vegas bubble and have room service and privacy and no wierd judgy friends" and i can kind of relate to her.
the "in a relationship" function on facebook and myspace both kind of freak me out. and we haven't changed either yet. but he did change his profile picture, which says a lot because a. he hardly ever changes it (i'm talking facebook) and all his pictures are just of him, nobody else in the picture (at least, no girls).
I'm smitten. what can i say?
Warning: this might be a little TMI. if you don't want to read it, skip ahead.
he spent the night last night in my room. This is the second time this has happened and for the first time ever, i felt like it was fun, not wrong/dirty. I've had sleepovers with boyfriends and I always end up feeling dirty and/or used. but he has the perfect size chest, nice long arms that make me feel small(er), and is the biggest cuddler of anyone i know. Imagine a friendly cuddly cat. that's senator. we spent all night cuddling and being romantic, and at one point when we both woke up (it happened several times) we talked and talked and talked. We talked about MARRIAGE. and it was fun. we've both agreed not to have sex until we are married, so that's nice that we're on the same page. but the running joke all night was that we should go to vegas because we want to make love. it's silly, but fun and cute. towards the time we had to get up, he crossed a line (a fun line, but a line i didnt want to cross just yet) and again, instead of feeling horribly awkward and uncomfortable and dirty, i felt okay. we TALK about sex. which is way nicer than pretending to avoid talking about it. it got hot and heavy there for awhile and then the alarm kept going off and we overslept. he got up to take a shower and i fell back asleep. he woke me up awhile later and laid down and said something along the lines of, "i'm sorry i crossed that line, and i hope you're not uncomfortable or anything, thank you for keeping us in check and doing the right thing for both of us. later when you get home from babysitting, lets take a walk around the neighborhood and hold hands"
HOW FREAKING SWEET IS THAT. and what guy apologizes for crossing that line and then wants to take a walk around the neighborhood holding hands? it's so cute. so so cute.
i can see myself with him for my whole life. my whole entire life. i can see us getting married and having kids, and having lots and lots of sex. and loving each other wholly and completely. (not in that order, lol). how did i end up with someone so perfect?
there's this episode of grey's anatamy where callie and george get married in vegas. they come back and announce it to everyone really excitedly, only to find that everyone is kind of laughing at them slash looking at them like they're crazy. Callie says something along the lines of, "i want to go back to our vegas bubble and have room service and privacy and no wierd judgy friends" and i can kind of relate to her.
the "in a relationship" function on facebook and myspace both kind of freak me out. and we haven't changed either yet. but he did change his profile picture, which says a lot because a. he hardly ever changes it (i'm talking facebook) and all his pictures are just of him, nobody else in the picture (at least, no girls).
I'm smitten. what can i say?
Sunday, June 8, 2008
screaming infidelities, and taking its wear
i always ALWAYS manage to sabotage my relationships. And I don't want to do that anymore.
Senator is wonderful. He's so much of what I have always wanted in a boyfriend it's uncanny. But I'm terrified of being in a relationship and terrified of it ending badly.
The thing is though, I can totally see myself as his wife in five years. It's a very comfortable relationship. And we are both on the same page when it comes to many things.
We talked about it last night. I'm scared that we live together and ARE together. I'm nervous about what our friends will think. But the fact that we COULD talk about it was fantastic. And he and I both agreed not to have sex, which is even MORE amazing. I mean, trust me, I'd jump him right now if it was okay, but it's not. Not for me. It's my own personal choice and something I made a long time ago and he totally respects it AND agrees. Which is really nice. We cuddled all night long and he spent the night in my room and not once did it get out of hand. He's very respectful and sweet and almost TOO cuddly. It's funny. A few times i had to figure out how to stop him making out with me. Sorry, TMI. :) but he's a sweetheart. I was the one who forced him to get out of bed and get moving. he was content to cuddle all day. it's like, we jumped headfirst into this and while it's nice, and he's so perfect in so many ways, i am hesitant.
We went wine tasting yesterday with his fraternity brothers and actually had a really good time. He held my hand at points and wasn't afraid to show me off. I knew most of them, and while we never actually admitted to being girlfriend/boyfriend, everyone kind of assumed that we were. He told me later, last night, that when he was walking to the parking structure to get the car, one of the brothers was walking with him and he told him that i was really pretty and he wanted to know if we were engaged. I seriously could not stop grinning. it made my day to hear that.
i think i just need to take time to get used to being in what could be a GOOD relationship. So many of my past relationships have been messy, bad, me trying to fix someone or someone way below me (education wise, socially, religiously etc). Maybe "below me" isnt' the right word. More like, we were at two different points in our lives (my ex's and i). but i see senator more as an equal, and someone I can look up to. He's very reserved and not very... open to a lot of people, but in the past few days he has shown me someone who is incredibly capable of loving someone else. And I like that about him.
So maybe this is a mistake, but I'm starting to think maybe it's not. Doppelganger, thank you for your comments and advice :) I appreciate it and it helps a lot. I'm going to send you a picture from our trip yesterday and you can tell me how cute we look :) haha just kidding. but we did get a couple of really cute pictures. :)
Senator is wonderful. He's so much of what I have always wanted in a boyfriend it's uncanny. But I'm terrified of being in a relationship and terrified of it ending badly.
The thing is though, I can totally see myself as his wife in five years. It's a very comfortable relationship. And we are both on the same page when it comes to many things.
We talked about it last night. I'm scared that we live together and ARE together. I'm nervous about what our friends will think. But the fact that we COULD talk about it was fantastic. And he and I both agreed not to have sex, which is even MORE amazing. I mean, trust me, I'd jump him right now if it was okay, but it's not. Not for me. It's my own personal choice and something I made a long time ago and he totally respects it AND agrees. Which is really nice. We cuddled all night long and he spent the night in my room and not once did it get out of hand. He's very respectful and sweet and almost TOO cuddly. It's funny. A few times i had to figure out how to stop him making out with me. Sorry, TMI. :) but he's a sweetheart. I was the one who forced him to get out of bed and get moving. he was content to cuddle all day. it's like, we jumped headfirst into this and while it's nice, and he's so perfect in so many ways, i am hesitant.
We went wine tasting yesterday with his fraternity brothers and actually had a really good time. He held my hand at points and wasn't afraid to show me off. I knew most of them, and while we never actually admitted to being girlfriend/boyfriend, everyone kind of assumed that we were. He told me later, last night, that when he was walking to the parking structure to get the car, one of the brothers was walking with him and he told him that i was really pretty and he wanted to know if we were engaged. I seriously could not stop grinning. it made my day to hear that.
i think i just need to take time to get used to being in what could be a GOOD relationship. So many of my past relationships have been messy, bad, me trying to fix someone or someone way below me (education wise, socially, religiously etc). Maybe "below me" isnt' the right word. More like, we were at two different points in our lives (my ex's and i). but i see senator more as an equal, and someone I can look up to. He's very reserved and not very... open to a lot of people, but in the past few days he has shown me someone who is incredibly capable of loving someone else. And I like that about him.
So maybe this is a mistake, but I'm starting to think maybe it's not. Doppelganger, thank you for your comments and advice :) I appreciate it and it helps a lot. I'm going to send you a picture from our trip yesterday and you can tell me how cute we look :) haha just kidding. but we did get a couple of really cute pictures. :)
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