sigh

i feel superstitious writing this, but i gotta let it out somehow. i am starting to have doubts about our relationship. i mean, nothing bad has happened, there have been lots of changes and we've settled back into a routine, but i think the core is that we were friends first, so we go back to being friends sometimes and forget there;s more. at least, sometimes that's how i think he feels.

it's not helpful that i'm reading a lot lately, mostly about relationships. Mostly fictional, but whatever. the key in both was to find someone who treats you like a prize.

i hate to say it, but i dont feel like he treats me like a prize. i think he treats me like a friend. like i'm someone he cares about a lot, loves even, but not the apple of his eye.

and it's disappointing because i've really tried throwing myself into this. i make him breakfast. i schedule my schedule around his. i make him dinner. i take him out to dinner. i clean up after him sometimes (he cleans up after me sometimes too). i bring him wine. i watch his dumb movies. i go to bed when he goes to bed. i get up when he gets up. i initiate cuddling and hugging most of the time.

at the same time, i appreciate his little things he does. he makes me coffee. he fixes things. he cuddles at night. he tries to get me to do what i need to do. he takes breaks and comes and sits on the couch with me. but sometimes when he does these nice things, he acts like its a chore, that hes humoring me.

i dont need flowers all the time. i dont need a cooked meal all the time. i dont need to be taken out to dinner all the time.

but once in awhile would be nice. once in awhile on a regular basis, i guess, i just want to feel special, like i'm more than just a friend, more than just the girlfriend that fell into his lap. i want to be able to not try so hard. i want to wake up one morning and see that he's made me breakfast, or get home after a long day and see dinner sitting on the counter. i want to come home one day and see flowers on the table. i want him to lie on the couch and pat the seat next to him. i want him to say thank you more often. i want him to realize that no, im not in law school, but i do have a life that has stuff going on in it too. i always ask him about his day, and only sometimes, what feels like obligation, does he ask about mine. sure, my job is a boring desk job, but i do have friends, family and another job on the side that gives me plenty of things to talk about. i get the feeling that he thinks my day is insignificant because im not in school and i dont have a high stress job.

it's part of my personality, to a fault, to give give give, and while i dont expect anything back, i hope. but then i pile it all up into a "look at all the stuff i gave you, now where's mine?" i don't mean to, and i sure don't try to do it on purpose, and it sounds selfish, but its not. its my way of showing that i care. i understand that hes not like that. but i feel like i'm wearing the pants, making plans, trying to plan dates, initiating things.

hes in school, which takes up 90% of his time and i understand that. and i feel like i'm doing my best to accommodate him, but at the same time i dont feel like he's been very appreciative of that. i purposely try to get home late during the weekdays so its quiet in the house, i dont invite people over, or if i do i try to go to a different part of the house and be quiet or go elsewhere, i keep the tv down, i read so its quiet, i give him his space, etc. i just wish he'd notice that, and say something so i know im not wasting my time.

it's like that grey's anatomy episode where meredith is dating finn and derek and she finally blows up at them, "i want romance. i want flowers and candy and random visits at work. i want this to be fun. THIS is not fun."

i guess i feel like i'm being cheated. that we just kind of fell into each other due to circumstances and feelings and it was all too easy, and we lived together so we skipped the whole dating and courting thing and went straight to marriage. not marriage per say, but buying things for our house, sleeping together every night, hanging out at home. we dont really go out and do things, and when we do, i feel like i pay for it most of the time.

two of our friends just started dating and it's taken the pressure/focus off of he and i, which is nice, but at the same time it feels old already. i've never been in a relationship longer than 3-4 months, all during the summer, and summers over and we're approaching 3-4 months. i guess i'm preparing myself for a letdown but at the same time, i dont think he'd break up with me. he's got too much riding on me... because of me his rent is cheap, he's got a great place to live, good roommates (eventually), support, dinner made for him regularly, etc etc. and i dont want to break up with him, but i need a little more. im a little jealous of our two friends who started dating because their facebook statuses are always like, "____ has an eternal smile on his face" and "____ is wishing she was with a certain someone"

I've never gotten that from Senator. in fact, he didnt even acknowledge we were in a relationship until a long time into it. the scary word here is settling. i feel like i might be settling. he's the perfect guy in so many ways. he's smart, very handsome, has goals and have a successful career. but at the same time i have to jump to the future and realize that from here on out, it will be like this: me secondary to his school/work/career. which is understandable to a point. but if we got married and had kids, he'd be at the office until LATE every night. I'd never see him. he'd be stressed, i'd be the one to calm him down. i'm realizing that its coming down to me taking care of him, catering to him, doing everything for him, and feeling like im not getting a whole lot in return.

i dont know where this is going, i just needed to emotional vomit everywhere and, well, this is where i do it. i need to feel loved, feel wanted, feel like someone needs me. not overwhelmingly so, but just at the same level that i feel for the other person. and i dont know how to convey this to him without him getting offended, hurt and annoyed. we're on two totally different levels emotionally, and i dont know what to do. its not a huge major thing that will blow up, but more like fizzle out/fade away and it's already hurting and nothing has happened. i wish i was better at being a bitch and requiring attention rather than giving it all away. the simple answer is to make him realize what he has and why he wants me around, and that usually involves distance and to stop coddling him. but i like being close, and i like coddling him. i just need it in return and im not getting enough of it. maybe i'm too clingy, but i kind of think not and i dont feel like i'm being unreasonable about this.

i need advice.