I LOVE JACOB!

TWILIGHT WHY MUST YOU SUCK ME INTO YOUR DARK DARK WORLD?

especially while i'm at work and am supposed to be working on a project. but i just cant put you down.

yes, i got the last two books. I'm nearly done with eclipse and breaking dawn could be finished by tomorrow... and then i will be very very sad that im finished.

PS... i feel like bella might go for jacob. *gasp.

sorry blog, i've been MIA. actually, i was out of the state in a state that is WAY behind in technology. who uses dial up anymore? certainly not us southern california people who have targets and starbucks on every corner. the city i went to did not have a SINGLE starbucks.

which was kind of awesome, because i hate starbucks.

anyway.

mini update on senator: i was being a brat most of last week because i was tired of him being selfish and not realizing it, so i was impassively letting him know by pointing things out. like making dinner... would it kill him to make a little extra of whatever he's making? i do it a lot. on saturday morning i made him an awesome breakfast but ended up not feeling well so i didn't eat it. but i spent a good 45 minutes doing it. i also brought him some desert home from a party i went to, 2 for each of us and he ate all of them without so much as a thank you. anyway. after breakfast he knew i had thrown up but didn't bother to see if i was okay until he finished getting ready. then later i was saying i was hungry while we were cuddling on the couch. a little while later he got up and got himself some leftover pizza and salad and had lunch while i was in the other room. i wandered into the kitchen and was laughing to myself, both out of astonishment and bewilderment. he wanted to know what was up so i told him, "you're kind of clueless sometimes" and he didn't get it. AT ALL.

let me break it down: i made him breakfast. an awesome breakfast. he didn't say thank you until i prompted him to. i didnt get to eat my breakfast because i felt sick and by the time i felt better it went bad. a few hours later i say "i'm hungry." he gets food for himself and doesn't bother to ask if when he's microwaving his peice if i want him to stick another one in there for me. he eats in front of me and then wonders why i've got this look on my face.

stupid.

then later that night, i made a comment that i wanted to smoke. the last few times i did he didn't and said he was in school, so he couldnt so i just assumed he didn't want to. sunday morning it turned into this huge fiasco of me "deceiving him" and not including him. i had no idea he wanted to, he always seems like he doesnt want to or that he looks down on me doing it. whoops. so my feelings were hurt and so were his and it was lame.

i just wish he was better at noticing little things and basic manners, saying please and thank you and just KNOWING WHAT TO DO in a relationship. sometimes i'm like, you're five years old. why can't you do these things? you're in law school. where is the socially smart you? i've been in several relationships and i know what i want. he's never been in one and it shows. in our making up stage, he said, "you've been kind of hard to please lately" and i accepted that, it's true. but i hope he sees it as, "hmm, i'm doing something wrong" instead of "she's just being a bitch"

but then on the other hand, he totally made up for it later in the bedroom, haha. :) although, he slugged me in his sleep during a dream when i tried to wake him up and im going to have a fatty bruise there. i slept on the couch after that. ouch.

out of the darkness

last night i went to an alumni event for my college and i left feeling like a pile of crap: ugly, worthless and underapreciated. so much schmoozing and fakers, and people trying to top each other or gossiping about so and so. afterwards I wanted to go home SO BADLY but senator had made plans with another couple and i was obligated to go.

we ended up having a good time, they're a recently married couple who have known each other for 10 years (since the 9th grade). their new apartment is AMAZING and i felt out of place and jealous, and the wife was this pretty delicate little thing. beautiful and the perfect hostess. thier place was impecable and it made me feel even worse.

when we got home i got into my "ugly clothes" aka my baggy pants and baggy sweatshirt and went into the living room. senator asked what was wrong and i instantly burst into tears but i couldn't tell him what was going on. i was embarrased and didn't know how to and after holding me for awhile, he said, "look. i've got two shoulders. you can pick which one to cry on. i dont know what's wrong but i'm willing to listen" and he did. and i felt so much better afterwards. he complimented me, he told me i was beautiful, he told me i looked pretty, that my hair looked nice and more importantly, he told me "people like you, you make people feel good about themselves, and they trust you."

for someone who has a hard time opening up and being... a person, he sure can light up my heart.

it felt so wrong it felt so right doesn't mean i'm in love tonight

It kind of sucks when I spend the first night in months sober and I wake up proud, only not able to share it with anyone because i'm a closet alcoholic and nobody knows that I get hammered every night because I hide it so well.

And it's kind of a pathetic thing to be proud about.

I want to take a "dry month" to keep my drinking in check, but that's impossible. All my friends drink. Not nearly to the extent that I do, but enough that there are parties coming up that are uninevitabely drunk-fests that I wouldn't mind partaking in. But this weekend will be sober, as I am going on a vacation! With people who have kids and don't drink. And that's a good thing. My body needs a break.

As far as things with Senator, they're pretty good. I'm really starting to get that he really never HAS been in a relationship and it's new, and he's trying. He's just very dense sometimes. But he also suprises me. Because I dont expect much out of him in the romance/thinking of me area because he can be a blockhead, this morning when he was making coffee, I asked if there was enough for me too because i was really groggy. he said not really, and in my head i got annoyed because it's my coffee and my coffee sweetner he's using. He's just got the maker. But i didn't say anything and let it go and twenty seconds later I see him walking towards me with two mugs. He was just messing with me, he'd made me coffee. :)

luckily, there hasn't really been much else going on. i need to think of nicknames for my friends who are around, because they're finally back in town and there will be stories, OH THERE WILL BE STORIES. my friends are awesome. and make awesome stories.

anyway, i think the only two people who read this blog are my doppelganger and vanessa, therefore, HI i hope you have a good week/weekend. Vanessa, hope things are not too stressful in school, and doppelganger... get rid of ketchup. he's staining your life. you're too nice to him.

that's all for now :)

another day

i think senator realized he was being a dumbass.

the other night i was super quiet and it's kind of well known that when i am quiet, something is wrong. So he pried and pried and eventually i told him i felt that we had moved from friends to roommates to live in boyfriend/girlfriend and we missed out on the dating and courtship stuff and that sometimes i felt more like his roommate than his girlfriend. i didnt sleep well and yesterday, as you saw, i flipped out.

i called my mom and cried about it and she told me some advice i'd heard before, that you have to train them. at the same time, i need to train myself to think of me instead of him, and to take care of myself first since this may or may not be temporary. after being angry and upset, i still had to go to my other job, which is working with kids, and my anger was totally gone by the end. when i got home, i expected a fight, an argument, something not good. so i just kind of came in, sat down, and started working on a project. senator came over and sat next to me and we chatted a little, him more than me, and he realized i was doing the same quiet thing again so i told him the basics of why i was being quiet... which was basically the same thing as the other night.

then i got an unexpected $300 medical bill and lost it... i am so broke right now that was the icing on the cake. he just came over and gave me a hug and held me until i stopped freaking out and let it go. he tried to make me laugh and he was a sweetheart. after awhile, he asked if i wanted to go on a walk. so we held hands and walked around our neighborhood talking about nothing in particular, mostly about what he's learning about in school. it's kind of boring, but i'm good at hiding it and i appreciate that he's sharing it with me.

when we got back i purposely didnt cuddle with him, and we sat on the couch and talked some more. again, i purposely didnt initiate anything and he grabbed my hand and held it the whole time. later he got me a popsicle and then he said he was off to study. the last two nights or so, instead of being a jerk when he's studying, he was a bit nicer because he realizes that im trying to give him time and quietness and space while he does what he needs to do, so that's better.

we fell asleep in each others arms last night and it felt better. i think if he makes some changes and i learn to put up a better wall and not be a doormat, things will get better. i think he really does genuinely like me, he just doesn't know how to express it and doesn't really know how to be a boyfriend. but from today on, the training begins and so far it's working, better for the both of us really.

it's not as dramatic as it sounds, i don't think. it's just... this is the real first "serious" boyfriend i've had who i might have a potential future with.

but on a stupid whim when i was upset the other day, i posted a rant on craigslist about all of this, asking if i was doing something wrong, and i got, no joke, over 40 emails from men giving advice. and 99.9% of it was GOOD advice. And helpful. And I realized that there are lots of fish in the sea and if this doesn't work out, then i have other chances. but if this is supposed to work out, then im willing to work with it.

sigh. so up and down. but hopefully getting better. we'll see.

changes.

Even though Senator and I had a talk last night about him needing to treat me better, and it was good and I think it will help, I think I know in my heart, he won't be "the one" which is really too bad because I had my heart set on it.

I am 23. i am too young to be this serious. I dont want to get married until I'm closer to 27 or 28. I don't want to put up with this for that long. I want to have fun and be loved and be HAPPY.

I need to make some changes. I've let myself settle my whole life. I need to make some new goals. I need to really make the commitment to losing weight. And I need to stop catering to him so much. He's getting used to me doing certain things for him and we aren't married. We are boyfriend/girlfriend. I am going to start going to bed when I want to go to bed, and I'm going to get up when I want to get up. He can learn to cater around some of my needs.

From this day on I am going to be better at not drinking, be more active and start going back to the gym, be nicer to my friends and be more available for them, and i am going to make myself healthy. I've fallen into this trap where I'm stuck in my own body and drowning if that makes sense... in my body, in my mind, it's really time to make some changes. I can't go on living like this, and if i make this commitment and keep it, i could be changing my life drastically. if he's going to treat me like a roommate rather than a friend, then i'm going to do the same and do my own thing.

but mostly, i want to get into shape. i want to be healthy and i want to be attractive. i want to be a catch, a prize. i want to be wanted. i already have the personality and everything else that goes with being a great person, but it would be a million times better if i had the body to go with it. i'm tired of the old me, the one who lets people walk all over me and i am determined to become the person i am meant to be.

sigh

i feel superstitious writing this, but i gotta let it out somehow. i am starting to have doubts about our relationship. i mean, nothing bad has happened, there have been lots of changes and we've settled back into a routine, but i think the core is that we were friends first, so we go back to being friends sometimes and forget there;s more. at least, sometimes that's how i think he feels.

it's not helpful that i'm reading a lot lately, mostly about relationships. Mostly fictional, but whatever. the key in both was to find someone who treats you like a prize.

i hate to say it, but i dont feel like he treats me like a prize. i think he treats me like a friend. like i'm someone he cares about a lot, loves even, but not the apple of his eye.

and it's disappointing because i've really tried throwing myself into this. i make him breakfast. i schedule my schedule around his. i make him dinner. i take him out to dinner. i clean up after him sometimes (he cleans up after me sometimes too). i bring him wine. i watch his dumb movies. i go to bed when he goes to bed. i get up when he gets up. i initiate cuddling and hugging most of the time.

at the same time, i appreciate his little things he does. he makes me coffee. he fixes things. he cuddles at night. he tries to get me to do what i need to do. he takes breaks and comes and sits on the couch with me. but sometimes when he does these nice things, he acts like its a chore, that hes humoring me.

i dont need flowers all the time. i dont need a cooked meal all the time. i dont need to be taken out to dinner all the time.

but once in awhile would be nice. once in awhile on a regular basis, i guess, i just want to feel special, like i'm more than just a friend, more than just the girlfriend that fell into his lap. i want to be able to not try so hard. i want to wake up one morning and see that he's made me breakfast, or get home after a long day and see dinner sitting on the counter. i want to come home one day and see flowers on the table. i want him to lie on the couch and pat the seat next to him. i want him to say thank you more often. i want him to realize that no, im not in law school, but i do have a life that has stuff going on in it too. i always ask him about his day, and only sometimes, what feels like obligation, does he ask about mine. sure, my job is a boring desk job, but i do have friends, family and another job on the side that gives me plenty of things to talk about. i get the feeling that he thinks my day is insignificant because im not in school and i dont have a high stress job.

it's part of my personality, to a fault, to give give give, and while i dont expect anything back, i hope. but then i pile it all up into a "look at all the stuff i gave you, now where's mine?" i don't mean to, and i sure don't try to do it on purpose, and it sounds selfish, but its not. its my way of showing that i care. i understand that hes not like that. but i feel like i'm wearing the pants, making plans, trying to plan dates, initiating things.

hes in school, which takes up 90% of his time and i understand that. and i feel like i'm doing my best to accommodate him, but at the same time i dont feel like he's been very appreciative of that. i purposely try to get home late during the weekdays so its quiet in the house, i dont invite people over, or if i do i try to go to a different part of the house and be quiet or go elsewhere, i keep the tv down, i read so its quiet, i give him his space, etc. i just wish he'd notice that, and say something so i know im not wasting my time.

it's like that grey's anatomy episode where meredith is dating finn and derek and she finally blows up at them, "i want romance. i want flowers and candy and random visits at work. i want this to be fun. THIS is not fun."

i guess i feel like i'm being cheated. that we just kind of fell into each other due to circumstances and feelings and it was all too easy, and we lived together so we skipped the whole dating and courting thing and went straight to marriage. not marriage per say, but buying things for our house, sleeping together every night, hanging out at home. we dont really go out and do things, and when we do, i feel like i pay for it most of the time.

two of our friends just started dating and it's taken the pressure/focus off of he and i, which is nice, but at the same time it feels old already. i've never been in a relationship longer than 3-4 months, all during the summer, and summers over and we're approaching 3-4 months. i guess i'm preparing myself for a letdown but at the same time, i dont think he'd break up with me. he's got too much riding on me... because of me his rent is cheap, he's got a great place to live, good roommates (eventually), support, dinner made for him regularly, etc etc. and i dont want to break up with him, but i need a little more. im a little jealous of our two friends who started dating because their facebook statuses are always like, "____ has an eternal smile on his face" and "____ is wishing she was with a certain someone"

I've never gotten that from Senator. in fact, he didnt even acknowledge we were in a relationship until a long time into it. the scary word here is settling. i feel like i might be settling. he's the perfect guy in so many ways. he's smart, very handsome, has goals and have a successful career. but at the same time i have to jump to the future and realize that from here on out, it will be like this: me secondary to his school/work/career. which is understandable to a point. but if we got married and had kids, he'd be at the office until LATE every night. I'd never see him. he'd be stressed, i'd be the one to calm him down. i'm realizing that its coming down to me taking care of him, catering to him, doing everything for him, and feeling like im not getting a whole lot in return.

i dont know where this is going, i just needed to emotional vomit everywhere and, well, this is where i do it. i need to feel loved, feel wanted, feel like someone needs me. not overwhelmingly so, but just at the same level that i feel for the other person. and i dont know how to convey this to him without him getting offended, hurt and annoyed. we're on two totally different levels emotionally, and i dont know what to do. its not a huge major thing that will blow up, but more like fizzle out/fade away and it's already hurting and nothing has happened. i wish i was better at being a bitch and requiring attention rather than giving it all away. the simple answer is to make him realize what he has and why he wants me around, and that usually involves distance and to stop coddling him. but i like being close, and i like coddling him. i just need it in return and im not getting enough of it. maybe i'm too clingy, but i kind of think not and i dont feel like i'm being unreasonable about this.

i need advice.

on love

way back when, i had a boyfriend. he was the first boyfriend i ever had, and he was my best friend before he was my boyfriend. we didn't date all that long, and too many hard circumstances got in the way, but we remained friends for awhile afterwards until we lost touch.

once he sent me an email as a reply to a forward that i had sent to him, something like, "45 things girls want guys to know" or something silly. At first I thought it was another forward, but realized he had written 45 things he wanted ME to know. i was very touched and i found it today while looking for another email. in some ways, he has some similair personality/character traits as Senator and while I have no feelings for this previous boyfriend, I had Senator in my head while I re-read this (revising what it said and thinking of it coming from Senator) and smiled. first boyfriend was a good boyfriend, but Senator is perfect in my life right now. i like to think that he feels the same way as the things below.

side note: the way it formatted some of the words ran together and i'm too lazy to fix it.



You know that you hold the deepest part of my heart,but there are a couple other things that I want you toknow.

1.Even though I am a sceptic, you have my trust. Thisis one of the most important things I can give.

2. Although there are times when I say nothing, itdoesn't mean I have nothing to say

3. I wish you all the success in the world, in everyaspect of the phrase.

4. Quiet almost never means angry

5. I don't keep secrets

6. I wish you would hold the same philosophy

7. You are never a burden, or even a load to carry tome.

8. It hurts me more not to talk about things than tojust be frank, or even blunt at times.

9. If something is special enough to me, words candetract from it, so even though I don't say anything I still hold it very close to me.

10. Talking about you actually IS more fun thantalking about me.

11. It is really frustrating to ask girls what's thematter and find out that they are on their period forthe 20th day in a row

12.By the same token, it does nothing good to aconversation to have to pry to see whats wrong

13. No one likes being manipulated, so I'd never do itto you.

14. Don't keep stuff from me just because I can'tdirectly solve a problem, there are other ways ofworking with problems.

15. You're NOT always comlaining (Period)

16. Distance means nothing, I am always there in someform or another

17. Don't assume anything

18. I can always see when there are more intentions to words or actions.

19. I have never lied to you

20. Nor do I plan to

21. Your hugs mean a lot to me too

22. I think about you constantly

23. If you always dwell on the past, you will neverhave a future

24. If you always feel like the future is hanging overyour head you will never have a present day life

25. Live life in today, and you'll see that visitingmemories and future plans is ok as long as you don'tmiss anything that is happening now

26. Make plans, I know you'll achieve them

27. Then live those plans step by step, one day at atime, then you'll be able to appreciate things as theyhappen

28. Your time is precious to me, even when there is nodeadline

29. I actually do want to hear about what you have tosay

30. Never deny yourself of your own feelings, you havea RIGHT to them

31. I love the way that you forgive people so readily

32. It worries me that you think forgiving is simplyburring it in the back or your mind. Eventually, ifyou burry enough there won't be room in the back ofyour mind, and many little problems become one or twohuge ones.

33. Although I give it to you casually, the words "ILove You" mean the world to me.

34. Never beat yourself up, the world does enough ofit for you

35. People come and go, the memories last forever.

36. I love you in more ways than you know

37. I appreciate everything you do

38. Whether or not I take things for what they are, I at least see them as they lie

39. Life is an unfair game, you may as well break therules

40. Intimacy comes in higher forms than making love

41. Poolside was one of them

42. I'm sorry for anything I have ever done thatdidn't make you happy

43. When I try to be perfect, it isn't for me; it'sfor you.

44. I want you to know that I hold you in the highestrespect; you have the most trust; you have my deepest love; our souls are connected on a level higher than my comprehension, and for that matter by no compulsay means on either of our parts; and our memories are the most important thing I posess

45. I want you to know that I Love you and I'll never forget.


edit: for extra points, guess how old he was when he wrote that