i dont want to jinx it by writing about it, but despite losing my job, and having two people i knew die last week, this weekend was pretty fabulous.
knock on wood.
i am softly falling in love with senator. it's like, floating into a soft bed of flower petals with pink petals falling all over me.
i can't believe i wrote that.
he humors my adventures. he made me breakfast, i made him dinner. he survives my mood swings, and lets me complain. he's a soft shoulder to lie on and the arm that finds my body at night.
we went to the pumpkin patch this weekend, and even though it was hot and dusty he stood and took pictures and laughed at my desire for it to be absolutely perfect, when we both realized it was a tourist trap. he studied next to me on the couch for awhile before i left to go to a party saturday night, and people at the party seemed to finally accept that we are a couple and we care about each other. and the host made it clear that he's happy we're together, and while i don't need approval from anyone, it was nice to be validated. when i got home, i couldn't wait to be with him, and even though it was 3am when i crawled into bed, he still turned over and put his arm around me and fell back asleep. yesterday we were cuddly all day and i made him a halloween costume, from scratch. i sewed. SEWED. i dont sew. but it was fun. and his costume will be awesome on friday.
i hate mondays because it is the beginning of the week, and weekdays he's not always the most pleasant person to be around (because of school). i know to expect this, but i hope this week goes as well as last week did.
and for the first time since we've been together, i purposely x'ed out of the internet browser with dating advice and such. by not putting any ideas in my head, i totally avoid the mental war going on in my head, that doesn't need to be addressed. why didn't i think of that sooner?
on a side note, my halloween costume is awesome. AWESOME.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Friday, October 24, 2008
screwed
so i dont know about everyone else, but i am SCREWED beyond belief in terms of finances.
i lost my job this week, and have way too many bills to cover without that paycheck.
it's like, i work hard, and i work a lot, and all of a sudden, thanks to our crappy economy, i am drowning. there's no way i can pay for christmas presents, or to travel, or to keep up with my bills.
how did our country get so in debt? i was FINE a week ago, but then my boss told me his company is not doing well and everyone is worried.
with my current bills, and about to change paycheck, i will be in the red over $1500 a month until i can find a new job.
oh, and did i mention, NOBODY IS HIRING? nobody. unless they want to pay me, like 8-10 bucks an hour. which just wont cut it for someone who has a house, student loans, and medical bills.
i lost my job this week, and have way too many bills to cover without that paycheck.
it's like, i work hard, and i work a lot, and all of a sudden, thanks to our crappy economy, i am drowning. there's no way i can pay for christmas presents, or to travel, or to keep up with my bills.
how did our country get so in debt? i was FINE a week ago, but then my boss told me his company is not doing well and everyone is worried.
with my current bills, and about to change paycheck, i will be in the red over $1500 a month until i can find a new job.
oh, and did i mention, NOBODY IS HIRING? nobody. unless they want to pay me, like 8-10 bucks an hour. which just wont cut it for someone who has a house, student loans, and medical bills.
Friday, October 17, 2008
friday surv
1:: What are your middle names?
lets play pretend. mine is sophia and his is michael
2:: How long have you been together?
we've known each other 5 years, been dating for... officially (i suppose) 4 months
3:: Do you have any children together?
haha no
4:: What about pets?
no. maybe a dog or a cat in the future
5:: Did you go to the same school?
yepp
6:: Are you from the same hometown?
nope. different states.
8:: Who is the smartest?
i'm people smart, he's book smart
9:: Who is the most sensitive?
ME. for sure.
10:: Where is the first place you went to eat as a couple?
chipotle. but that was like, "um, is this a date?" but our first "date" was at an indian restaurant. mmm.
11:: Do you wear matching clothes?
no. but we did to a wedding once. it was funny.
12:: Where is the furthest you have traveled as a couple?
halfway across the world.
13:: Who has the best group of friends?
Me for sure
14:: Who has the craziest ex[es]?
Me
15:: Who has the worst temper?
tie. we both get bad tempers sometimes.
16:: Who does the cooking?
we both do, though he claims he does. lies.
17:: Who's more social?
Me for sure
18:: Who is the neat freak?
i go in phases of needing to be a neat freak, but consistently it's him.
19:: Who is the most affectionate?
Me
20:: Who is the most stubborn?
him
21:: Who hogs the bed?
I do
22:: Who wakes up earlier?
ugh. him.
23:: Where was your first date?
an indian restaurant and it was supposed to be mini golf, but they closed early so we went for a drive, watched the sun set over the ocean from a hill, watched fireworks, and went in the hot tub.
24:: Who said "I Love You" first?
he did and it was totally unexpected.
25:: How did you spend your 1st year anniversary?
if we're still together at a year he better do something nice for me.
26:: Who has the bigger family?
me
27:: Do you give/get flowers often?
no, but he did give me flowers a few weeks ago for the first time
28:: How do you spend the holidays?
his parents live several states away, and mine live several hundred. i think we might stay at home for thanksgiving and invite people over for thanksgiving x 2 on friday, but we'll both go to our parents houses for a few weeks at christmas.
29:: Do you think you will ever get married?
yes. most of the time.
lets play pretend. mine is sophia and his is michael
2:: How long have you been together?
we've known each other 5 years, been dating for... officially (i suppose) 4 months
3:: Do you have any children together?
haha no
4:: What about pets?
no. maybe a dog or a cat in the future
5:: Did you go to the same school?
yepp
6:: Are you from the same hometown?
nope. different states.
8:: Who is the smartest?
i'm people smart, he's book smart
9:: Who is the most sensitive?
ME. for sure.
10:: Where is the first place you went to eat as a couple?
chipotle. but that was like, "um, is this a date?" but our first "date" was at an indian restaurant. mmm.
11:: Do you wear matching clothes?
no. but we did to a wedding once. it was funny.
12:: Where is the furthest you have traveled as a couple?
halfway across the world.
13:: Who has the best group of friends?
Me for sure
14:: Who has the craziest ex[es]?
Me
15:: Who has the worst temper?
tie. we both get bad tempers sometimes.
16:: Who does the cooking?
we both do, though he claims he does. lies.
17:: Who's more social?
Me for sure
18:: Who is the neat freak?
i go in phases of needing to be a neat freak, but consistently it's him.
19:: Who is the most affectionate?
Me
20:: Who is the most stubborn?
him
21:: Who hogs the bed?
I do
22:: Who wakes up earlier?
ugh. him.
23:: Where was your first date?
an indian restaurant and it was supposed to be mini golf, but they closed early so we went for a drive, watched the sun set over the ocean from a hill, watched fireworks, and went in the hot tub.
24:: Who said "I Love You" first?
he did and it was totally unexpected.
25:: How did you spend your 1st year anniversary?
if we're still together at a year he better do something nice for me.
26:: Who has the bigger family?
me
27:: Do you give/get flowers often?
no, but he did give me flowers a few weeks ago for the first time
28:: How do you spend the holidays?
his parents live several states away, and mine live several hundred. i think we might stay at home for thanksgiving and invite people over for thanksgiving x 2 on friday, but we'll both go to our parents houses for a few weeks at christmas.
29:: Do you think you will ever get married?
yes. most of the time.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
slow down everyone you're moving too fast
note to self:
you are retarded.
quit getting worked up over nothing, and talk to him before your head goes out of control.
i was wrong. dead wrong. he loves me. he loves me a lot. and he is thankful for every thing that i do, and for all the support i give him. he loves me for me, and i am so dumb for not realizing it. he doesn't know how to communicate this stuff, but it came out and my heart is happy. i wish i could have recorded it.
on another note, people who update thier statuses and relationship statues every hour in the middle of a break up are retarded.
you are retarded.
quit getting worked up over nothing, and talk to him before your head goes out of control.
i was wrong. dead wrong. he loves me. he loves me a lot. and he is thankful for every thing that i do, and for all the support i give him. he loves me for me, and i am so dumb for not realizing it. he doesn't know how to communicate this stuff, but it came out and my heart is happy. i wish i could have recorded it.
on another note, people who update thier statuses and relationship statues every hour in the middle of a break up are retarded.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
i know i sound like a broken record, and i really only write in this when im in a bad mood. but it's also why i started it.
the bottom line is that i'm bitter that i dont get to take weekend trips with my boyfriend, that i don't get to go out on regular dates. i always initiate them and then i feel like he's just doing it to appease me. we aren't "dating" if all we do is live with each other and say good morning and good night and i listen to his boring law speil. i am so, so supportive, yet i don't feel like I'm getting much out of this relationship other than good hugs and an occasional meal. he makes a good housemate, i suppose, but i'm getting frustrated at giving giving giving and not getting much in return.
and yeah, i know i should stop bitching about it and DO something about it, but im not going to break up with him and nagging him doesn't seem to be doing any good.
it's like i have a love tank, and mid week it gets really empty.
the bottom line is that i'm bitter that i dont get to take weekend trips with my boyfriend, that i don't get to go out on regular dates. i always initiate them and then i feel like he's just doing it to appease me. we aren't "dating" if all we do is live with each other and say good morning and good night and i listen to his boring law speil. i am so, so supportive, yet i don't feel like I'm getting much out of this relationship other than good hugs and an occasional meal. he makes a good housemate, i suppose, but i'm getting frustrated at giving giving giving and not getting much in return.
and yeah, i know i should stop bitching about it and DO something about it, but im not going to break up with him and nagging him doesn't seem to be doing any good.
it's like i have a love tank, and mid week it gets really empty.
Monday, October 13, 2008
bloggy blog i feel like it's been awhile, but I suppose it hasn't.
i need to get it through my head that monday-wednesdays are going to be awful 90% of the time. especially tuesdays, and this week will not be an exception, especially since he has his first midterm on wednesday. he'll probably be a basket case and i should be more understanding.
we're really good at hurting each others feelings. i'm working on this.
in other news, i got my halloween costume... i'm going to be bella cullen! i got contacts that black out my eyes (i'm going to be a thirsty bella). woo!
i need to get it through my head that monday-wednesdays are going to be awful 90% of the time. especially tuesdays, and this week will not be an exception, especially since he has his first midterm on wednesday. he'll probably be a basket case and i should be more understanding.
we're really good at hurting each others feelings. i'm working on this.
in other news, i got my halloween costume... i'm going to be bella cullen! i got contacts that black out my eyes (i'm going to be a thirsty bella). woo!
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
I spent most of today reading through Women's Heath magazine articles and spent all day convincing myself of the fact that I love him. that he's good enough for me. that he is a good person. that i should be grateful that he can cook. and clean. and is very smart. and one day will make money. and that he comes from a good family. and he has good morals, and good values and i respect him.
but maybe that's not enough. maybe i need more. maybe the fact that he makes me cry on a daily basis is reason enough to hate his guts.
i spent all day thinking about him, and thinking how great he is and how lucky i am. i spent all night next door babysitting thinking about him and how i just wanted to be NEAR him. between the houses, there was only 20 feet between us.
and when i got home, the first thing i did was walk in and come into the room he was studying in and say hello, and stroke his hair, stroke his chest, run my fingers through his hair as he talked about his day and the status of the school he goes to.
instead of a hug and and a kiss and a hello, i get a, "you can do that when i'm asleep" when i play with his ear.
with that, i turn away and say, "my day was great, thanks for asking" and he tries to hold on.
i don't want to accept the fact that he is wrong for me. i don't want to accept the fact that i deserve better. i talked to my best girl friend tonight and she was having issues with her sister and basically said, "i wont stay where i give and give and give and all i get is criticized and my feelings hurt. it's not worth it"
she stole the words right out of my mouth.
and yet, i still can't walk away.
instead i sit here and cry angry angry tears and have no one to turn to.
but maybe that's not enough. maybe i need more. maybe the fact that he makes me cry on a daily basis is reason enough to hate his guts.
i spent all day thinking about him, and thinking how great he is and how lucky i am. i spent all night next door babysitting thinking about him and how i just wanted to be NEAR him. between the houses, there was only 20 feet between us.
and when i got home, the first thing i did was walk in and come into the room he was studying in and say hello, and stroke his hair, stroke his chest, run my fingers through his hair as he talked about his day and the status of the school he goes to.
instead of a hug and and a kiss and a hello, i get a, "you can do that when i'm asleep" when i play with his ear.
with that, i turn away and say, "my day was great, thanks for asking" and he tries to hold on.
i don't want to accept the fact that he is wrong for me. i don't want to accept the fact that i deserve better. i talked to my best girl friend tonight and she was having issues with her sister and basically said, "i wont stay where i give and give and give and all i get is criticized and my feelings hurt. it's not worth it"
she stole the words right out of my mouth.
and yet, i still can't walk away.
instead i sit here and cry angry angry tears and have no one to turn to.
this election needs to be over already
so tired of politics. really.
i kind of feel like my life is falling apart a little bit. i had a major breakdown this weekend when my friends made it clear that senator is not the one for me, long term. and it was strange hearing that, because i've just had this path set out that we would get married and have a family and blah blah blah. and now, there's this other path, where i can stay with him until, well, something happens and we aren't together anymore, and well, that's just what's going to happen. it's inevitable, maybe. or maybe i'm just being pessimistic and awful, and it will work out in the end. when i say i had a breakdown, i did... and i was also pretty drunk when it happened and i very vaguely remember telling him this wasn't working the way it should... there was lots of crying and i honestly dont remember what i said. but whatever it was, it must have worked because the next morning i felt like crap and i thought maybe we had broken up, and when he got up we talked about it for a few minutes, him asking me if i was still upset and i just kind of stayed silent. he told me he loved me, and the rest of the day was pretty much amazing. he made me this awesome lunch (i made him breakfast) and we spent most of the day together, and that night we went to the fair and he paid for me to play carnival games. it was cute.
i dont know, it seems like there's too much going against me at this point, and im too tired to fight it so i'll just go along with the flow for now and see what happens. we keep having the same discussion about kids. which is SO. DUMB. it's not in our future and its nothing we need to discuss right now... but just thinking ahead, IF and that's a big IF we got married someday, he wants to move back to his home state, thousands of miles away from anyone i know. if we had kids, i'd want my family/friends around but he's convinced that you don't need them (his parents didnt have help) but i have so many friends having babies right now, i couldn't imagine not having family/friends around to help. whatever, i need to let it go because it's stupid.
oh yeah, happy 4 month anniversary to us... ir eally need to take a step back and stop being retarded about everything. 4 months is nothing (although, it IS the longest ive been in a relationship for, so...) and i'm being dumb. end of rant.
but on top of that, i just haven't seen much of my friends lately, i've been really busy, and i've still been drinking too much. i really want to get back into shape, but i get in this endless cycle of staying up too late, drinking too much, and then being too busy/tired during the day to find time to hang out or get some exercise. it seems like it should be the opposite, i joined the church choir, im working a lot doing things that i mostly enjoy, and i still see my friends when i can. i dunno, i think it's the fact that i saw some really awful photos of myself recently and got down on myself. not horribly, but in a reality-check kind of way. it's like, i feel myself and my support system slowly peeling away and i don't know where or who i am sometimes.
i suppose it's just a phase, changing of the seasons.
on a different note, on the twilight front, i officially finished the book this weekend. while i can't say i was pleased with the ending, i suppose it was better than some huge climax that left you feeling weird throughout the rest of the day. i went on her website and read all the explanations and supplemental material and it was interesting.
my life has significantly less drama nowadays, other than junk with senator. it's kind of nice, but i feel kind of cut off. how is it October already???
i can really tell im right handed today... i painted my nails last night and my left hand is immaculate, but my right is horrendous.
the end.
i kind of feel like my life is falling apart a little bit. i had a major breakdown this weekend when my friends made it clear that senator is not the one for me, long term. and it was strange hearing that, because i've just had this path set out that we would get married and have a family and blah blah blah. and now, there's this other path, where i can stay with him until, well, something happens and we aren't together anymore, and well, that's just what's going to happen. it's inevitable, maybe. or maybe i'm just being pessimistic and awful, and it will work out in the end. when i say i had a breakdown, i did... and i was also pretty drunk when it happened and i very vaguely remember telling him this wasn't working the way it should... there was lots of crying and i honestly dont remember what i said. but whatever it was, it must have worked because the next morning i felt like crap and i thought maybe we had broken up, and when he got up we talked about it for a few minutes, him asking me if i was still upset and i just kind of stayed silent. he told me he loved me, and the rest of the day was pretty much amazing. he made me this awesome lunch (i made him breakfast) and we spent most of the day together, and that night we went to the fair and he paid for me to play carnival games. it was cute.
i dont know, it seems like there's too much going against me at this point, and im too tired to fight it so i'll just go along with the flow for now and see what happens. we keep having the same discussion about kids. which is SO. DUMB. it's not in our future and its nothing we need to discuss right now... but just thinking ahead, IF and that's a big IF we got married someday, he wants to move back to his home state, thousands of miles away from anyone i know. if we had kids, i'd want my family/friends around but he's convinced that you don't need them (his parents didnt have help) but i have so many friends having babies right now, i couldn't imagine not having family/friends around to help. whatever, i need to let it go because it's stupid.
oh yeah, happy 4 month anniversary to us... ir eally need to take a step back and stop being retarded about everything. 4 months is nothing (although, it IS the longest ive been in a relationship for, so...) and i'm being dumb. end of rant.
but on top of that, i just haven't seen much of my friends lately, i've been really busy, and i've still been drinking too much. i really want to get back into shape, but i get in this endless cycle of staying up too late, drinking too much, and then being too busy/tired during the day to find time to hang out or get some exercise. it seems like it should be the opposite, i joined the church choir, im working a lot doing things that i mostly enjoy, and i still see my friends when i can. i dunno, i think it's the fact that i saw some really awful photos of myself recently and got down on myself. not horribly, but in a reality-check kind of way. it's like, i feel myself and my support system slowly peeling away and i don't know where or who i am sometimes.
i suppose it's just a phase, changing of the seasons.
on a different note, on the twilight front, i officially finished the book this weekend. while i can't say i was pleased with the ending, i suppose it was better than some huge climax that left you feeling weird throughout the rest of the day. i went on her website and read all the explanations and supplemental material and it was interesting.
my life has significantly less drama nowadays, other than junk with senator. it's kind of nice, but i feel kind of cut off. how is it October already???
i can really tell im right handed today... i painted my nails last night and my left hand is immaculate, but my right is horrendous.
the end.
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