screaming infidelities, and taking its wear

i always ALWAYS manage to sabotage my relationships. And I don't want to do that anymore.

Senator is wonderful. He's so much of what I have always wanted in a boyfriend it's uncanny. But I'm terrified of being in a relationship and terrified of it ending badly.

The thing is though, I can totally see myself as his wife in five years. It's a very comfortable relationship. And we are both on the same page when it comes to many things.

We talked about it last night. I'm scared that we live together and ARE together. I'm nervous about what our friends will think. But the fact that we COULD talk about it was fantastic. And he and I both agreed not to have sex, which is even MORE amazing. I mean, trust me, I'd jump him right now if it was okay, but it's not. Not for me. It's my own personal choice and something I made a long time ago and he totally respects it AND agrees. Which is really nice. We cuddled all night long and he spent the night in my room and not once did it get out of hand. He's very respectful and sweet and almost TOO cuddly. It's funny. A few times i had to figure out how to stop him making out with me. Sorry, TMI. :) but he's a sweetheart. I was the one who forced him to get out of bed and get moving. he was content to cuddle all day. it's like, we jumped headfirst into this and while it's nice, and he's so perfect in so many ways, i am hesitant.

We went wine tasting yesterday with his fraternity brothers and actually had a really good time. He held my hand at points and wasn't afraid to show me off. I knew most of them, and while we never actually admitted to being girlfriend/boyfriend, everyone kind of assumed that we were. He told me later, last night, that when he was walking to the parking structure to get the car, one of the brothers was walking with him and he told him that i was really pretty and he wanted to know if we were engaged. I seriously could not stop grinning. it made my day to hear that.

i think i just need to take time to get used to being in what could be a GOOD relationship. So many of my past relationships have been messy, bad, me trying to fix someone or someone way below me (education wise, socially, religiously etc). Maybe "below me" isnt' the right word. More like, we were at two different points in our lives (my ex's and i). but i see senator more as an equal, and someone I can look up to. He's very reserved and not very... open to a lot of people, but in the past few days he has shown me someone who is incredibly capable of loving someone else. And I like that about him.

So maybe this is a mistake, but I'm starting to think maybe it's not. Doppelganger, thank you for your comments and advice :) I appreciate it and it helps a lot. I'm going to send you a picture from our trip yesterday and you can tell me how cute we look :) haha just kidding. but we did get a couple of really cute pictures. :)