wandering lights

I spent most of today reading through Women's Heath magazine articles and spent all day convincing myself of the fact that I love him. that he's good enough for me. that he is a good person. that i should be grateful that he can cook. and clean. and is very smart. and one day will make money. and that he comes from a good family. and he has good morals, and good values and i respect him.

but maybe that's not enough. maybe i need more. maybe the fact that he makes me cry on a daily basis is reason enough to hate his guts.

i spent all day thinking about him, and thinking how great he is and how lucky i am. i spent all night next door babysitting thinking about him and how i just wanted to be NEAR him. between the houses, there was only 20 feet between us.

and when i got home, the first thing i did was walk in and come into the room he was studying in and say hello, and stroke his hair, stroke his chest, run my fingers through his hair as he talked about his day and the status of the school he goes to.

instead of a hug and and a kiss and a hello, i get a, "you can do that when i'm asleep" when i play with his ear.

with that, i turn away and say, "my day was great, thanks for asking" and he tries to hold on.

i don't want to accept the fact that he is wrong for me. i don't want to accept the fact that i deserve better. i talked to my best girl friend tonight and she was having issues with her sister and basically said, "i wont stay where i give and give and give and all i get is criticized and my feelings hurt. it's not worth it"

she stole the words right out of my mouth.

and yet, i still can't walk away.

instead i sit here and cry angry angry tears and have no one to turn to.