another day

i think senator realized he was being a dumbass.

the other night i was super quiet and it's kind of well known that when i am quiet, something is wrong. So he pried and pried and eventually i told him i felt that we had moved from friends to roommates to live in boyfriend/girlfriend and we missed out on the dating and courtship stuff and that sometimes i felt more like his roommate than his girlfriend. i didnt sleep well and yesterday, as you saw, i flipped out.

i called my mom and cried about it and she told me some advice i'd heard before, that you have to train them. at the same time, i need to train myself to think of me instead of him, and to take care of myself first since this may or may not be temporary. after being angry and upset, i still had to go to my other job, which is working with kids, and my anger was totally gone by the end. when i got home, i expected a fight, an argument, something not good. so i just kind of came in, sat down, and started working on a project. senator came over and sat next to me and we chatted a little, him more than me, and he realized i was doing the same quiet thing again so i told him the basics of why i was being quiet... which was basically the same thing as the other night.

then i got an unexpected $300 medical bill and lost it... i am so broke right now that was the icing on the cake. he just came over and gave me a hug and held me until i stopped freaking out and let it go. he tried to make me laugh and he was a sweetheart. after awhile, he asked if i wanted to go on a walk. so we held hands and walked around our neighborhood talking about nothing in particular, mostly about what he's learning about in school. it's kind of boring, but i'm good at hiding it and i appreciate that he's sharing it with me.

when we got back i purposely didnt cuddle with him, and we sat on the couch and talked some more. again, i purposely didnt initiate anything and he grabbed my hand and held it the whole time. later he got me a popsicle and then he said he was off to study. the last two nights or so, instead of being a jerk when he's studying, he was a bit nicer because he realizes that im trying to give him time and quietness and space while he does what he needs to do, so that's better.

we fell asleep in each others arms last night and it felt better. i think if he makes some changes and i learn to put up a better wall and not be a doormat, things will get better. i think he really does genuinely like me, he just doesn't know how to express it and doesn't really know how to be a boyfriend. but from today on, the training begins and so far it's working, better for the both of us really.

it's not as dramatic as it sounds, i don't think. it's just... this is the real first "serious" boyfriend i've had who i might have a potential future with.

but on a stupid whim when i was upset the other day, i posted a rant on craigslist about all of this, asking if i was doing something wrong, and i got, no joke, over 40 emails from men giving advice. and 99.9% of it was GOOD advice. And helpful. And I realized that there are lots of fish in the sea and if this doesn't work out, then i have other chances. but if this is supposed to work out, then im willing to work with it.

sigh. so up and down. but hopefully getting better. we'll see.