this election needs to be over already

so tired of politics. really.

i kind of feel like my life is falling apart a little bit. i had a major breakdown this weekend when my friends made it clear that senator is not the one for me, long term. and it was strange hearing that, because i've just had this path set out that we would get married and have a family and blah blah blah. and now, there's this other path, where i can stay with him until, well, something happens and we aren't together anymore, and well, that's just what's going to happen. it's inevitable, maybe. or maybe i'm just being pessimistic and awful, and it will work out in the end. when i say i had a breakdown, i did... and i was also pretty drunk when it happened and i very vaguely remember telling him this wasn't working the way it should... there was lots of crying and i honestly dont remember what i said. but whatever it was, it must have worked because the next morning i felt like crap and i thought maybe we had broken up, and when he got up we talked about it for a few minutes, him asking me if i was still upset and i just kind of stayed silent. he told me he loved me, and the rest of the day was pretty much amazing. he made me this awesome lunch (i made him breakfast) and we spent most of the day together, and that night we went to the fair and he paid for me to play carnival games. it was cute.

i dont know, it seems like there's too much going against me at this point, and im too tired to fight it so i'll just go along with the flow for now and see what happens. we keep having the same discussion about kids. which is SO. DUMB. it's not in our future and its nothing we need to discuss right now... but just thinking ahead, IF and that's a big IF we got married someday, he wants to move back to his home state, thousands of miles away from anyone i know. if we had kids, i'd want my family/friends around but he's convinced that you don't need them (his parents didnt have help) but i have so many friends having babies right now, i couldn't imagine not having family/friends around to help. whatever, i need to let it go because it's stupid.

oh yeah, happy 4 month anniversary to us... ir eally need to take a step back and stop being retarded about everything. 4 months is nothing (although, it IS the longest ive been in a relationship for, so...) and i'm being dumb. end of rant.

but on top of that, i just haven't seen much of my friends lately, i've been really busy, and i've still been drinking too much. i really want to get back into shape, but i get in this endless cycle of staying up too late, drinking too much, and then being too busy/tired during the day to find time to hang out or get some exercise. it seems like it should be the opposite, i joined the church choir, im working a lot doing things that i mostly enjoy, and i still see my friends when i can. i dunno, i think it's the fact that i saw some really awful photos of myself recently and got down on myself. not horribly, but in a reality-check kind of way. it's like, i feel myself and my support system slowly peeling away and i don't know where or who i am sometimes.

i suppose it's just a phase, changing of the seasons.

on a different note, on the twilight front, i officially finished the book this weekend. while i can't say i was pleased with the ending, i suppose it was better than some huge climax that left you feeling weird throughout the rest of the day. i went on her website and read all the explanations and supplemental material and it was interesting.

my life has significantly less drama nowadays, other than junk with senator. it's kind of nice, but i feel kind of cut off. how is it October already???

i can really tell im right handed today... i painted my nails last night and my left hand is immaculate, but my right is horrendous.

the end.