Dear self,
you've been freaking out lately and i need you to stop. i know you freak out in relationships, and you are scared of them, but here's a list to re-read when you start feeling that intensity.
Things to remember:
1. live each day for what it is. it was designed to be shitty. or great. or mediokre. if every day was awful or beautiful, the highs and lows wouldn't be worth it
2. when he's cranky, it's probably not you. just let him go and be cranky and eventually he'll get over it. it's not going to do you any better to try and fix him and in fact, it will probably make it worse. just because you crave someone to come help you when you're cranky, doesn't mean everyone does.
3. it's not okay for him to neglect you
4. it's not fair for you to expect him to give you lots of attention just because you give 200%.
5. put some space between you and him sometimes.
6. you jumped into this relationship really fast and you have a tendency to get over your head in new projects. take a step back and re-evaluate and adjust.
7. you also have a tendency to look past whats in front of you hoping there is something better behind it. accept and appreciate what is accessable to you.
8. don't make excessive demands and get prince charming out of your head. even prince charming has flaws.
9. stop doubting yourself. you are beautiful, smart, loving and deserving of something wonderful. he cares about you, and so do your friends and family.
10. stop listening to depressing music at work and thinking too much about things that you don't have control over. it doesn't help anyone.
11. practice some restraint
12. don't cater to his every need. let him come to you sometimes. don't be too available. you'll just end up getting hurt.
13. don't give him your whole heart. give him a small peice and see how he treats it first, but be careful. we all know how much break ups suck.
14. how he makes you feel and the role he starts to play in your life shouldn't interfere with other friendships and relationships. your friends were there before the boyfriend, and they deserve priority too.
15. don't make him your whole life. ever. love, but carefully.
love,
me
Monday, June 30, 2008
Friday, June 20, 2008
i'm in your shadow, everywhere i go
I'm catching up to the number of posts i had on my old blog... three more and it will be equal. lol.
i've had no incentive to write, since my doppelganger is actually nearest to me and not anywhere near a computer. we are meeting tonight, which is exciting. :)
senator and i had our first real date last night. in some ways, it's kind of silly, because we live together, we've been friends for five years etc etc. but i got the message across that just because we DO live together doesn't mean we get to cheat on the dating part. so he planned a date and didn't tell me where or what. i got home last night and decompressed, and we left. he took me to this indian restaurant we've both been wanting to go to for quite some time and they had a really cool setup inside. instead of regular booths, they had these couch things with pillows. and since there were only like 5 people in the restauarant, it was really quiet. we started out sitting across from each other but it felt wierd so he came and sat next to me. i wore my new dress (and promptly got yellow daal on it. oops) and we had SO MUCH FOOD. i didn't even feel like we ordered that much but i haven't been eating much lately and i think my stomach shrunk. the food was really good and there were only a few awkward silences. afterwards niether one of us really wanted to go home, and since it's ridiculously light outside until almost 9pm, we decided to go mini golfing, which was actually in the plan for MY date. but when we got there, they were closed early for a private party. lame.
so we just started driving and looking at houses and whatnot, and ended up in some nice neighborhood. we drove up the top of this giant hill and parked and could see all the way down to the ocean through the canyons. we watched the sun finish setting and just talked, and after awhile it got cold so we left. on the way back down the hill, the fireworks from the angel's game went off and we stopped and watched them for a few minutes. he drove me to another spot with a great view, and then we went home and went in the hot tub.
all in all, it was a pretty great first date. we were laughing because we're doing everything backwards. we've been friends for five years, we've lived together for a year, we made out/got physical, and THEN went out on our first date. i think it's funny. but it's so much better this way. there's no awkward dating, no feeling like we have to fill the silences, it's all just very... comfortable.
and the fact that he saved my life is pretty cool too.
no joke. i've had asthma for as long as i can remember but haven't had any problems with it in YEARS. but two nights ago while we were in the hot tub i had a really bad attack and it got to the point where i started to pass out. he took care of me and found my inhalor (how, only god knows) and made sure i didn't drown. it was terrifying.
so yeah. he's pretty much great. i have a good idea for our second date (which im planning) and i hope it goes well. i'm excited.
i've had no incentive to write, since my doppelganger is actually nearest to me and not anywhere near a computer. we are meeting tonight, which is exciting. :)
senator and i had our first real date last night. in some ways, it's kind of silly, because we live together, we've been friends for five years etc etc. but i got the message across that just because we DO live together doesn't mean we get to cheat on the dating part. so he planned a date and didn't tell me where or what. i got home last night and decompressed, and we left. he took me to this indian restaurant we've both been wanting to go to for quite some time and they had a really cool setup inside. instead of regular booths, they had these couch things with pillows. and since there were only like 5 people in the restauarant, it was really quiet. we started out sitting across from each other but it felt wierd so he came and sat next to me. i wore my new dress (and promptly got yellow daal on it. oops) and we had SO MUCH FOOD. i didn't even feel like we ordered that much but i haven't been eating much lately and i think my stomach shrunk. the food was really good and there were only a few awkward silences. afterwards niether one of us really wanted to go home, and since it's ridiculously light outside until almost 9pm, we decided to go mini golfing, which was actually in the plan for MY date. but when we got there, they were closed early for a private party. lame.
so we just started driving and looking at houses and whatnot, and ended up in some nice neighborhood. we drove up the top of this giant hill and parked and could see all the way down to the ocean through the canyons. we watched the sun finish setting and just talked, and after awhile it got cold so we left. on the way back down the hill, the fireworks from the angel's game went off and we stopped and watched them for a few minutes. he drove me to another spot with a great view, and then we went home and went in the hot tub.
all in all, it was a pretty great first date. we were laughing because we're doing everything backwards. we've been friends for five years, we've lived together for a year, we made out/got physical, and THEN went out on our first date. i think it's funny. but it's so much better this way. there's no awkward dating, no feeling like we have to fill the silences, it's all just very... comfortable.
and the fact that he saved my life is pretty cool too.
no joke. i've had asthma for as long as i can remember but haven't had any problems with it in YEARS. but two nights ago while we were in the hot tub i had a really bad attack and it got to the point where i started to pass out. he took care of me and found my inhalor (how, only god knows) and made sure i didn't drown. it was terrifying.
so yeah. he's pretty much great. i have a good idea for our second date (which im planning) and i hope it goes well. i'm excited.
Friday, June 13, 2008
now i'm sweeping the streets i used to own
So I'm currently obsessed with Coldplay's viva la vida song. the lyrics are, whatever, but the melody is super catchy.
Senator got a comment on his facebook wall today asking if he had a girlfriend (his profile pic is of us) and he wrote on their wall this:
kinda...(insert my real name here) is my housemate and about a week ago we decided that we were more than just friends. we have a lot of the same friends from college so we just want to take it slow and figure that they can think whatever they want. since we live together already we laid down some rules like worst case scenario we need to not be mad and still be friends since we've been friends for the last five years. we get along ridiculously well and enjoy spending time together. we balance each other out personality wise but at the same time we have very similar values. now i just need to tell my parents...
awwww. i think that's sweet. i am someone who needs affrimation and reminding ALL THE TIME about stuff, so this makes me feel better. i sabotage it in my head and am like, he doesn't really like me etc etc.
but it's okay. and i just need to learn to let go and relax and take it one day at a time (i'm bad at that). i really really like him, i really hope it works out. i dont want to date ever again.
i spent the past few hours making dinner for my family (and they loved it! i'm in town for the weekend, obviously) and then went to my friends house. she and my other best friend just got an apt together and it's sweet. HOT, but sweet. it's big. and i love how she's doing her room. i love moving because it means you can redecorate. the only downfall to the new place im moving to is that there is gross wallpaper everywhere and we can't take it down. but it will be fun.
my mom and i were going through old old photos today, back to her wedding. my parents were one year older than i am now when they got married. it was fun looking at thier pictures, since we're not the type of family to have tons of family portraits or old wedding photos up everywhere.
my dad and brother noticed i've lost weight. it's helped a lot having a scale in my bedroom, i am to get lower. and it helps a lot that i've cut down on drinking. tonight i really wanted to go to the gym but there's not a 24 around here. my parents live in the boonies.
i graduated high school with most of the people i went to kindergarten with, and i found a ton of papers, projects, class worksheets and photos with people in them that i haven't talked to in years. it's wierd, part of me wants to send them it and say, "stop being a bitch to me. i've done nothing to you and we have history, so get over yourself" one of the projects i found was from the 5th grade or so, and he died our senior year of high school in a car accident. it was kind of eerie finding his handwriting in a pile of my papers.
i'm getting a pedicure tomorrow with my friend who is very very pregnant. like, she's been having contractions for a week now but still no baby. wouldn't that be funny if she started going into labor as they were painting her nails? that would be AWESOME. because then i could be there. i really really want to have my own baby someday, but i have this big fear that i wont be able to. another incentive for losing weight, i suppose.
anyway, i dont really have anything else to say. i miss senator and i hope we work out.
Senator got a comment on his facebook wall today asking if he had a girlfriend (his profile pic is of us) and he wrote on their wall this:
kinda...(insert my real name here) is my housemate and about a week ago we decided that we were more than just friends. we have a lot of the same friends from college so we just want to take it slow and figure that they can think whatever they want. since we live together already we laid down some rules like worst case scenario we need to not be mad and still be friends since we've been friends for the last five years. we get along ridiculously well and enjoy spending time together. we balance each other out personality wise but at the same time we have very similar values. now i just need to tell my parents...
awwww. i think that's sweet. i am someone who needs affrimation and reminding ALL THE TIME about stuff, so this makes me feel better. i sabotage it in my head and am like, he doesn't really like me etc etc.
but it's okay. and i just need to learn to let go and relax and take it one day at a time (i'm bad at that). i really really like him, i really hope it works out. i dont want to date ever again.
i spent the past few hours making dinner for my family (and they loved it! i'm in town for the weekend, obviously) and then went to my friends house. she and my other best friend just got an apt together and it's sweet. HOT, but sweet. it's big. and i love how she's doing her room. i love moving because it means you can redecorate. the only downfall to the new place im moving to is that there is gross wallpaper everywhere and we can't take it down. but it will be fun.
my mom and i were going through old old photos today, back to her wedding. my parents were one year older than i am now when they got married. it was fun looking at thier pictures, since we're not the type of family to have tons of family portraits or old wedding photos up everywhere.
my dad and brother noticed i've lost weight. it's helped a lot having a scale in my bedroom, i am to get lower. and it helps a lot that i've cut down on drinking. tonight i really wanted to go to the gym but there's not a 24 around here. my parents live in the boonies.
i graduated high school with most of the people i went to kindergarten with, and i found a ton of papers, projects, class worksheets and photos with people in them that i haven't talked to in years. it's wierd, part of me wants to send them it and say, "stop being a bitch to me. i've done nothing to you and we have history, so get over yourself" one of the projects i found was from the 5th grade or so, and he died our senior year of high school in a car accident. it was kind of eerie finding his handwriting in a pile of my papers.
i'm getting a pedicure tomorrow with my friend who is very very pregnant. like, she's been having contractions for a week now but still no baby. wouldn't that be funny if she started going into labor as they were painting her nails? that would be AWESOME. because then i could be there. i really really want to have my own baby someday, but i have this big fear that i wont be able to. another incentive for losing weight, i suppose.
anyway, i dont really have anything else to say. i miss senator and i hope we work out.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
so so tired
I'm almost waiting for the other ball to drop. How is Senator so perfect for me? He really is amazing. Of course, I'm being swept up into the world of romance, but seriously.
Warning: this might be a little TMI. if you don't want to read it, skip ahead.
he spent the night last night in my room. This is the second time this has happened and for the first time ever, i felt like it was fun, not wrong/dirty. I've had sleepovers with boyfriends and I always end up feeling dirty and/or used. but he has the perfect size chest, nice long arms that make me feel small(er), and is the biggest cuddler of anyone i know. Imagine a friendly cuddly cat. that's senator. we spent all night cuddling and being romantic, and at one point when we both woke up (it happened several times) we talked and talked and talked. We talked about MARRIAGE. and it was fun. we've both agreed not to have sex until we are married, so that's nice that we're on the same page. but the running joke all night was that we should go to vegas because we want to make love. it's silly, but fun and cute. towards the time we had to get up, he crossed a line (a fun line, but a line i didnt want to cross just yet) and again, instead of feeling horribly awkward and uncomfortable and dirty, i felt okay. we TALK about sex. which is way nicer than pretending to avoid talking about it. it got hot and heavy there for awhile and then the alarm kept going off and we overslept. he got up to take a shower and i fell back asleep. he woke me up awhile later and laid down and said something along the lines of, "i'm sorry i crossed that line, and i hope you're not uncomfortable or anything, thank you for keeping us in check and doing the right thing for both of us. later when you get home from babysitting, lets take a walk around the neighborhood and hold hands"
HOW FREAKING SWEET IS THAT. and what guy apologizes for crossing that line and then wants to take a walk around the neighborhood holding hands? it's so cute. so so cute.
i can see myself with him for my whole life. my whole entire life. i can see us getting married and having kids, and having lots and lots of sex. and loving each other wholly and completely. (not in that order, lol). how did i end up with someone so perfect?
there's this episode of grey's anatamy where callie and george get married in vegas. they come back and announce it to everyone really excitedly, only to find that everyone is kind of laughing at them slash looking at them like they're crazy. Callie says something along the lines of, "i want to go back to our vegas bubble and have room service and privacy and no wierd judgy friends" and i can kind of relate to her.
the "in a relationship" function on facebook and myspace both kind of freak me out. and we haven't changed either yet. but he did change his profile picture, which says a lot because a. he hardly ever changes it (i'm talking facebook) and all his pictures are just of him, nobody else in the picture (at least, no girls).
I'm smitten. what can i say?
Warning: this might be a little TMI. if you don't want to read it, skip ahead.
he spent the night last night in my room. This is the second time this has happened and for the first time ever, i felt like it was fun, not wrong/dirty. I've had sleepovers with boyfriends and I always end up feeling dirty and/or used. but he has the perfect size chest, nice long arms that make me feel small(er), and is the biggest cuddler of anyone i know. Imagine a friendly cuddly cat. that's senator. we spent all night cuddling and being romantic, and at one point when we both woke up (it happened several times) we talked and talked and talked. We talked about MARRIAGE. and it was fun. we've both agreed not to have sex until we are married, so that's nice that we're on the same page. but the running joke all night was that we should go to vegas because we want to make love. it's silly, but fun and cute. towards the time we had to get up, he crossed a line (a fun line, but a line i didnt want to cross just yet) and again, instead of feeling horribly awkward and uncomfortable and dirty, i felt okay. we TALK about sex. which is way nicer than pretending to avoid talking about it. it got hot and heavy there for awhile and then the alarm kept going off and we overslept. he got up to take a shower and i fell back asleep. he woke me up awhile later and laid down and said something along the lines of, "i'm sorry i crossed that line, and i hope you're not uncomfortable or anything, thank you for keeping us in check and doing the right thing for both of us. later when you get home from babysitting, lets take a walk around the neighborhood and hold hands"
HOW FREAKING SWEET IS THAT. and what guy apologizes for crossing that line and then wants to take a walk around the neighborhood holding hands? it's so cute. so so cute.
i can see myself with him for my whole life. my whole entire life. i can see us getting married and having kids, and having lots and lots of sex. and loving each other wholly and completely. (not in that order, lol). how did i end up with someone so perfect?
there's this episode of grey's anatamy where callie and george get married in vegas. they come back and announce it to everyone really excitedly, only to find that everyone is kind of laughing at them slash looking at them like they're crazy. Callie says something along the lines of, "i want to go back to our vegas bubble and have room service and privacy and no wierd judgy friends" and i can kind of relate to her.
the "in a relationship" function on facebook and myspace both kind of freak me out. and we haven't changed either yet. but he did change his profile picture, which says a lot because a. he hardly ever changes it (i'm talking facebook) and all his pictures are just of him, nobody else in the picture (at least, no girls).
I'm smitten. what can i say?
Sunday, June 8, 2008
screaming infidelities, and taking its wear
i always ALWAYS manage to sabotage my relationships. And I don't want to do that anymore.
Senator is wonderful. He's so much of what I have always wanted in a boyfriend it's uncanny. But I'm terrified of being in a relationship and terrified of it ending badly.
The thing is though, I can totally see myself as his wife in five years. It's a very comfortable relationship. And we are both on the same page when it comes to many things.
We talked about it last night. I'm scared that we live together and ARE together. I'm nervous about what our friends will think. But the fact that we COULD talk about it was fantastic. And he and I both agreed not to have sex, which is even MORE amazing. I mean, trust me, I'd jump him right now if it was okay, but it's not. Not for me. It's my own personal choice and something I made a long time ago and he totally respects it AND agrees. Which is really nice. We cuddled all night long and he spent the night in my room and not once did it get out of hand. He's very respectful and sweet and almost TOO cuddly. It's funny. A few times i had to figure out how to stop him making out with me. Sorry, TMI. :) but he's a sweetheart. I was the one who forced him to get out of bed and get moving. he was content to cuddle all day. it's like, we jumped headfirst into this and while it's nice, and he's so perfect in so many ways, i am hesitant.
We went wine tasting yesterday with his fraternity brothers and actually had a really good time. He held my hand at points and wasn't afraid to show me off. I knew most of them, and while we never actually admitted to being girlfriend/boyfriend, everyone kind of assumed that we were. He told me later, last night, that when he was walking to the parking structure to get the car, one of the brothers was walking with him and he told him that i was really pretty and he wanted to know if we were engaged. I seriously could not stop grinning. it made my day to hear that.
i think i just need to take time to get used to being in what could be a GOOD relationship. So many of my past relationships have been messy, bad, me trying to fix someone or someone way below me (education wise, socially, religiously etc). Maybe "below me" isnt' the right word. More like, we were at two different points in our lives (my ex's and i). but i see senator more as an equal, and someone I can look up to. He's very reserved and not very... open to a lot of people, but in the past few days he has shown me someone who is incredibly capable of loving someone else. And I like that about him.
So maybe this is a mistake, but I'm starting to think maybe it's not. Doppelganger, thank you for your comments and advice :) I appreciate it and it helps a lot. I'm going to send you a picture from our trip yesterday and you can tell me how cute we look :) haha just kidding. but we did get a couple of really cute pictures. :)
Senator is wonderful. He's so much of what I have always wanted in a boyfriend it's uncanny. But I'm terrified of being in a relationship and terrified of it ending badly.
The thing is though, I can totally see myself as his wife in five years. It's a very comfortable relationship. And we are both on the same page when it comes to many things.
We talked about it last night. I'm scared that we live together and ARE together. I'm nervous about what our friends will think. But the fact that we COULD talk about it was fantastic. And he and I both agreed not to have sex, which is even MORE amazing. I mean, trust me, I'd jump him right now if it was okay, but it's not. Not for me. It's my own personal choice and something I made a long time ago and he totally respects it AND agrees. Which is really nice. We cuddled all night long and he spent the night in my room and not once did it get out of hand. He's very respectful and sweet and almost TOO cuddly. It's funny. A few times i had to figure out how to stop him making out with me. Sorry, TMI. :) but he's a sweetheart. I was the one who forced him to get out of bed and get moving. he was content to cuddle all day. it's like, we jumped headfirst into this and while it's nice, and he's so perfect in so many ways, i am hesitant.
We went wine tasting yesterday with his fraternity brothers and actually had a really good time. He held my hand at points and wasn't afraid to show me off. I knew most of them, and while we never actually admitted to being girlfriend/boyfriend, everyone kind of assumed that we were. He told me later, last night, that when he was walking to the parking structure to get the car, one of the brothers was walking with him and he told him that i was really pretty and he wanted to know if we were engaged. I seriously could not stop grinning. it made my day to hear that.
i think i just need to take time to get used to being in what could be a GOOD relationship. So many of my past relationships have been messy, bad, me trying to fix someone or someone way below me (education wise, socially, religiously etc). Maybe "below me" isnt' the right word. More like, we were at two different points in our lives (my ex's and i). but i see senator more as an equal, and someone I can look up to. He's very reserved and not very... open to a lot of people, but in the past few days he has shown me someone who is incredibly capable of loving someone else. And I like that about him.
So maybe this is a mistake, but I'm starting to think maybe it's not. Doppelganger, thank you for your comments and advice :) I appreciate it and it helps a lot. I'm going to send you a picture from our trip yesterday and you can tell me how cute we look :) haha just kidding. but we did get a couple of really cute pictures. :)
Friday, June 6, 2008
oh shit.
so i just logged on to facebook and i see, "senator is no longer listed as single"
and immediately got terrified.
luckily he hasn't put anything else, but he got rid of his "looking for" section.
is it bad that i'm terrified of entering into another relationship? that im terrified of what our friends might think? we share the same group of friends. all i've wanted is a relationship and now all of a sudden i have one and im not ready.
i think i need to talk to him and tell him that.
i hate being a girl. :)
so i just logged on to facebook and i see, "senator is no longer listed as single"
and immediately got terrified.
luckily he hasn't put anything else, but he got rid of his "looking for" section.
is it bad that i'm terrified of entering into another relationship? that im terrified of what our friends might think? we share the same group of friends. all i've wanted is a relationship and now all of a sudden i have one and im not ready.
i think i need to talk to him and tell him that.
i hate being a girl. :)
Thursday, June 5, 2008
he kissed me.
we were watching a movie and towards the end we started cuddling and he kissed me. it was very sweet. there weren't any fireworks, but it was sweet.
i had to ask him, when did he start seeing me as more than just a friend, and he said a couple of weeks ago. and that he realized that the last few months would have sucked without me. and he called me pretty. and we kissed. a lot.
so theres no more doubting here. now it's just going to be... we'll see. it wasn't awkward at all later, at least i didn't feel awkward. i called my bff and told her and she was like, what are you doing.
i dont know what im doing. but im fine not knowing right now, and im fine taking it slow.
but he kissed me.
we were watching a movie and towards the end we started cuddling and he kissed me. it was very sweet. there weren't any fireworks, but it was sweet.
i had to ask him, when did he start seeing me as more than just a friend, and he said a couple of weeks ago. and that he realized that the last few months would have sucked without me. and he called me pretty. and we kissed. a lot.
so theres no more doubting here. now it's just going to be... we'll see. it wasn't awkward at all later, at least i didn't feel awkward. i called my bff and told her and she was like, what are you doing.
i dont know what im doing. but im fine not knowing right now, and im fine taking it slow.
but he kissed me.
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