nothing like asking your boyfriend, "what can i do to turn you on" after having.... you know.... and five hours later him saying, "im still recovering"

than

"well, more raspberry (lube) and you wearing a real bra"




wow. ouch to the max.

Today I have spent four days away from him. The first day was awful and I called him up and had a long convo that under other circumstances, we might have broken up. And I was devastated. Ut right now, esp adter the awkward phoone convo we had, if we broke up, it would be because I wanted it. He doesn't give me butterflies and he sure doesn't give me moments to remember. My mom called him a dweeb and its so true. I love him but not in the way I should. I need more from him, and I'm not sure if ill ever get that. I don't know. We'll see.

Dear Self,

I think you have a drinking problem. I'm pretty sure that in the past month, there has only been one or two days of soberness. i'm not sure if it's because you are afraid to not sleep through the night, or if it's just a habit and because you're bored. I really think it's just to pass the time. Regardless, it is hurting your body and it is hurting your relationships.

Speaking of relationships, you need to reach out to your friends. Just because you have a boyfriend does not mean that you can let go of your girlfriends. They were there before the boyfriend. Also, quit letting everything revolve around him. I know you love him very much, but you're becoming clingy and needy. That's not fair to either of you. I am worried that you are putting all of your eggs in one basket.

I think that if you stop/cut back severely with the drinking, start going back to the gym, make regular dates with your friends, and make some goals and follow through on them, that things will get better. Right now you are sitting around on your ass all day not exercising or doing anything productive other than relaxing. I know you enjoy watching tv and reading, but you are not DOING anything that will help anyone.

He loves you. It's obvious. But don't let yourself expect it. There will be a point where he starts to question why he wants to be with you, and the reasons stated above clearly show that if things don't start to change, then he won't be happy with you anymore and it's nobody's fault but your own. You are a strong woman who loves to be around people and working on projects. You don't need to fully rely on him. I know you tend to get in habits where you do rely on people too much.

You need to learn how to appreciate him and love him in a way that he understands. It would be best if you would let him focus on school and his goals right now. Just because you don't have a job and have way too much free time on your hands, doesn't mean you can take it out on him. School needs to take priority because it will, in a lot of ways, directly affect the future, which probably includes you.

Please, for your own sake, take a deep breath and look around to see how lucky you are. You have an amazing man who loves you and takes care of you. You have a house. You have a great family and have a little bit of savings to live off of. Be careful and stop thinking of how you want things to be, but stop and appreciate how great things are now. You have it all right now, you really do. So stop trying to sabotage yourself into thinking that you don't.

Have a little confidence in yourself, you used to have a lot of it. He knows all your secrets, he probably knows you better than you think. Keep it simple, it's best for everyone. They don't need to be complicated.

from,

you

last night's conversation

"what are you worried about?" -senator

"lots of things" - me

"like what?" - senator

"grad school, money, jobs, wondering if we'll get married someday" - me

silence

"lskdfjlskdjf" something senator said that i dont remember and didn't make sense

"huh?" - me

"it's like a magic 8 ball... chances are good" - senator

i've been neglecting this blog because my dear dear friend (that i have not heard from in OVER a month) has been going through some very hard times and i felt like i would be a bad friend for posting...


but i'm sorry, doppelganger, i really am. i'm sorry that things have been really hard for you. i wish i had better things to say, and that i could be there (physically for you).






on the other hand, i am totally in love with Senator. i never in my life thought i could be more in love with anyone than i am with him. i wish i could spell out in detail how amazing my birthday and how valentines day was, but i love him. i know that i will marry him someday, and we will have children together. i know that i could sound totally naive in many eyes, but i feel that this will last. i love him with my heart, my soul, and my mind, and i can not see myself spending the rest of my life with anyone else but him.

this is a scary post.

yesterday when senator and i went to target, i was admiring the adorable baby clothes (for my friends babies) when we got into a discussion about how they are ridiculous and the kids are uncomfortable and they outgrow the clothes etc. my response was "well, sure, but sometimes you have to let the fun side out of you and quiet the responsible part"

it was a silly discussion, but his response was, "that's why i want to make sure i'm stable in my career so i have enough money to provide for my kids"

or something like that.

first of all, holycowyou'retalkingkidswithme. second of all, isn't this the right route?

secondly. we've been looking at houses. our dream houses. he's super into "i want a strawbale house" which are cool. but the point is, we're looking at houses. we joke around about our future (together) without actually saying "one day when we get married"

and i really really really hope it happens, moreso because i wouldn't be able to handle the alternative. i know that i would always fall back on these conversations were we to break up, and be bitter about it my whole life (until i found someone new) because, this was supposed to be our future.

i have crossed the line from rational thinking to "i have these plans set up for my future" thinking and i can't go back, and it's really really going to suck if things don't work out. not saying they aren't, but i always have to look at both sides.

look at the facts
-he cooks, cleans, and does the dishes.
-he comforts me when i have a bad day
-he gives perfect bear hugs
-he's good, really good, in the bedroom
-he's got a great sense of humor
-he's smart... he's SUPER smart
-he's on a career path that will make him enough money to do what he wants, and to support a family eventually. more importantly, he's doing something he'll be good at and enjoy, and its the same as what my dad does
-he doesn't want to live where we currently live forever.
-he's got a great relationship with his parents
-we have very similar upbringings.

it's almost a little too perfect.

whatever. i'm happy with him. i just need to work on letting go of the little things. it's cuz i'm a girl. and a girl who is a wee bit jealous he's getting to be friends with the girl he sits next to in his classes, and who he has a study... session with later today. but we also have a fantastic date night planned tonight, so i guess i can't complain.

sometimes it's better to blogvomit everywhere. :)

i'm happy.

i'm a bit resentful that i feel that i make dinner ALL. THE. TIME. at our house, and that i pay for everything. I enjoy making dinner for the two of us, and i enjoy making him happy and full. but tonight i was like, dude, i pay for ALL THIS STUFF and you get to eat it all and i make it all.

so instead of being a bitch or making a mean comment, i just mentioned, "hey next time we go to "insert our grocery store here" could you please buy "this" ? i really like making meals for us but it would be easier financially on me if you would buy this."

and he said " i'm glad you like to cook. i appreciate you cooking and yes, i'll get some of that for you"

that's all it took. instead of an argument.

wish i would have known that earlier.

i love this man more than i could ever love anyone. ever.

did i mention that i made dinner? and because i did, i don't feel bad about him doing all the dishes?

i would TOTALLY rather make dinner than do the dishes.

this man is totally a keeper. and i love him. so much.