wandering lights

Dear Self,

I think you have a drinking problem. I'm pretty sure that in the past month, there has only been one or two days of soberness. i'm not sure if it's because you are afraid to not sleep through the night, or if it's just a habit and because you're bored. I really think it's just to pass the time. Regardless, it is hurting your body and it is hurting your relationships.

Speaking of relationships, you need to reach out to your friends. Just because you have a boyfriend does not mean that you can let go of your girlfriends. They were there before the boyfriend. Also, quit letting everything revolve around him. I know you love him very much, but you're becoming clingy and needy. That's not fair to either of you. I am worried that you are putting all of your eggs in one basket.

I think that if you stop/cut back severely with the drinking, start going back to the gym, make regular dates with your friends, and make some goals and follow through on them, that things will get better. Right now you are sitting around on your ass all day not exercising or doing anything productive other than relaxing. I know you enjoy watching tv and reading, but you are not DOING anything that will help anyone.

He loves you. It's obvious. But don't let yourself expect it. There will be a point where he starts to question why he wants to be with you, and the reasons stated above clearly show that if things don't start to change, then he won't be happy with you anymore and it's nobody's fault but your own. You are a strong woman who loves to be around people and working on projects. You don't need to fully rely on him. I know you tend to get in habits where you do rely on people too much.

You need to learn how to appreciate him and love him in a way that he understands. It would be best if you would let him focus on school and his goals right now. Just because you don't have a job and have way too much free time on your hands, doesn't mean you can take it out on him. School needs to take priority because it will, in a lot of ways, directly affect the future, which probably includes you.

Please, for your own sake, take a deep breath and look around to see how lucky you are. You have an amazing man who loves you and takes care of you. You have a house. You have a great family and have a little bit of savings to live off of. Be careful and stop thinking of how you want things to be, but stop and appreciate how great things are now. You have it all right now, you really do. So stop trying to sabotage yourself into thinking that you don't.

Have a little confidence in yourself, you used to have a lot of it. He knows all your secrets, he probably knows you better than you think. Keep it simple, it's best for everyone. They don't need to be complicated.

from,

you